Matty Healy // i think we've done it all

back in time

we entered the party to be greeted by flashing fairy lights and loud music.
"aaaa" i laughed quietly to amelia, she gave me a puzzled look when my eyes went wide at the girl doing coke
"babe? this is london yeah? we all do coke and drink until we can't and then wake up tomorrow and go to work" , she spoke with such confidence that it felt like being 16. of course our drug of choice was weed, acid and occasionally MD. never coke, not for me anyways, this was ... grown up parties alright.
i nodded at her while she rushed off to see her friends she knew, liam stood with me and offered to get me a drink
"yes please" i told him, he smiled and went to the kitchen.
i lent against the wall, this was a world away from what i knew. i thought i was going to enjoy it but i kinda ... i kinda wasn't? maybe i just needed to get into it

"here you go" liam said handing me a bottle of red wine, i smiled remembering matty at the house party when we were 16.
"my favourite" i said examining the bottle. i looked at his own to see he was drinking straight out of a vodka bottle
"i know i've been gone a while but ... when did we start getting full bottles to drink out of at house parties?" i laughed to liam, he smiled at me
"the guy who owns this place is super rich apparently, we never see him, some great gatsby shit i know. but he throws this like every night. london never sleeps" , i nodded taking it all in. it really was some great gatsby shit and i was here for it.
i raised the wine bottle to my lips and began to gulp it down, not something you should do with red wine. it instantly went to my head and i felt light and carefree.
amelia reappeared and hugged us both, she was either high or drunk and at his point i didn't care.
"heyayyyy" she sang her eyes gleaming
"heya baby" i reciprocated. she pulled my hands and we moved into the living room where people were dancing. our hands still locked we started to dance, swaying side to side and our foreheads resting against one another's
"have you got any?" i asked, her eyes flashed and a smile found her face. she passed me a small baggie.
"come with me?" , she nodded and followed me to the bathroom.
we locked the door behind us and she passed me her debit card, i made three straight lines
"you sure?" she asked as soon as i began to snort the first line
"mmh" i gestured with my hands as i moved onto the second. i was feeling it, my head was even lighter and i just wanted to party. amelia did the last line and before we left we shoved some in our gums for good measures
"iiiiii feeeelllll goooowwwd" i told amelia, she giggled and pulled me in by my waist
"me tooooo" she mumbled as we found our way back to liam
"liaaaam" i said
"iths been too wong" , he laughed
"it has" he said only tipsy
"i love you too" i told them gesturing to both of them
"i wuv you too" amelia declared, swaying to the music. i started to join in, closing my eyes and just feeling at one with the music.

i don't know how long we had been there but the music started to die down and i knew the come down was coming, i didn't feel as high. i still had half a bag left, i snuck back off into the bathroom. i checked my phone, 4am. shit. i had work at 9.
i quickly put coke in my gums and the baggie tucked safely into my bra i left the bathroom to find amelia and liam sprawled across one another. i shook them gently
"hey" i said, liam mumbled
"heya"
"i need to leave i've got work soon, is that okay?" , his eyes opened wide and he nodded
"yeah we end up like this all the time don't worry. thanks for a good night" he said
"no. thankyou liam i needed this" i told him still whispering. he smiled before his head hit the back of the sofa and he dozed back off.

picking my way through the house i picked up a pack of half smoked cigarettes and a bottle of red wine. laughing i slipped the cigarettes into my bra and the bottle of wine in my oversized north face coat.
i opened the front door to be greeted by the sun nearly fully risen. i shielded my eyes before ringing for a taxi.
it pulled up within 5 minutes and i told him my destination
"long night?" he asked
"ha, you could say that mate" i replied, he laughed from the front seat
"i've got a daughter around your age, 20 right?" he asked again
"yeah" i mumbled
"she's probably better put together than me" , his eyes flashed to the mirror and he smiled softly
"you'll find your way don't worry"
the rest of the car ride was spent with me gazing out of the window with my elbows rested on the window.
"thanks mate" i said as we pulled up and i handed him the money
"be safe" he said as he pulled away and back into the morning sky.

sighing i pulled out a cigarette and sparked it up, i started to walk up the stairs before i opened the wine to take a swig, as soon as my lips made contact with the bottle matty came out of his door. his eyes met mine and he looked sad
"maya" he started
"don't" i told him coldly as i took another sip of wine
"it's 5 am .. what are you doing?" he asked
"partaying" i said the wine and coke taking their toll on my body
"the maya i know would never"
"well i'm not your maya and you don't know me" i snapped. he raised his arms in defeat
"i'm sorry" he told me in a small voice, i was taken back by it. i didn't let it show. my eyes flashed with anger as i raised the bottle once more before taking a drag of my cigarette
"i don't care" i said pushing pay him and fumbling in my pocket to find my door key, he appeared beside me
"i really am sorry"
"and i told you" i said turning to face him and dropping my cigarette on the ground
"i don't care" i opened the door, mattys mouth opened like he had more to say but i don't give him the chance before i slammed the door in his face.
i heard a small sigh at the other side of the wood, ignoring it i set my keys and wine down and let my coat slide onto the floor. i unlaced my docs and left them strewn.  next i discarded my dress and underwear, i re found the baggie and my eyes went wide as i recounted last night
"jesus" i said aloud while clutching me head
"what the fuck happened?" i thought aloud