Broken

Mistakes

3 Months Later

I sit here in total darkness, thinking of how to word the thoughts in my head. I feel the pain of the loss. My head thumps of it, of the dreadful thoughts and painful feelings. I think of my life before I was fourteen. How innocent I was, how naive. 

I thought I would get married, have children, live a normal life.

A pure life.

But now I only think of loss. The loss of Him.

I believe I can get over it, though in my heart I know I cant. I want to, so badly. I want to be able to go a single day without a thought of him. Of the way my body fit so right against his. Of how he could make my day with a single smile, a single laugh, a single kiss. 



I want to think he used me, that deep inside he was horrible, and that I shouldn't miss him a bit. Though I know that he has hurt me by sacrificing himself, my heart still aches for Him. Because deep inside I knee that he was my savior in a time of darkness. 


I want to belong to another, to feel their racing pulse when I'm against them, to feel their warmth wrapped around me.

But only he gave that to me. 



I’ve had so many embraces since him, just to feel that warmth, but none of them has felt right. I've deluded myself in thinking that I don't miss him. That I could move on if I find somebody with a kind heart. I have only now realized that when I was last in an embrace, I only thought of the way HE always held me, of that sweet warmth that soaked through my skin. Of the way his hands held my tightly around my middle.

As if he never wanted to let me go.



I now wish only to feel that sweet warmth from him again, to feel his hard body against me as he held me tightly, and to, feel the slight pressure of our first kiss that we gave one another every morning.

I know I am sounding selfish, that I should be thankful he sacrificed himself for me, and I should make good of my life for it, but I can’t. The only thing I can think of is that he left me. Why didn’t he fight? He could have won! He could have killed him! But no, he just had to save me. He should have known I wouldn’t want to be in this lonely place without him, without that air of protection he radiated from his magnificent form. His face flashed through my mind, and I couldn’t help the sad smile that graced my lips. The only time I smile now seems to be when I think of him. I miss him more than I ever thought possible.

His touch.

His scent.

His heart.

I have tried to find that feeling with others, though I know I will not. Only he gave me that. But yet, it seems like I can’t help myself, it’s like I burn for his touch and look to others to give it to me. Yes, I have been sleeping around. What’s the point in trying to be chaste anymore when there’s no one to please? These men I go to, they are just nameless faces, bodies of lust that try to satisfy my needs. But none of them ever do. Only he could. Only he could bring me to that brink of pleasure that felt as if we were the only ones in the world, like at that moment, we were one. With him, it was love and passion; caring caresses and strangled gasps. With them, it’s lust and hurried embraces. I feel nothing for them, and they feel nothing for me. Perhaps it’s for the best, but still I can’t help but want more. I may want it, but I know in my heart the only one who can is Darian.

Only one who ever will be able to.

I was currently lying on someone’s bed. Who? I have no idea. Some guy from school.

I looked over at him and instantly felt disgust. At him, at me, at...everything. Even this bed, where I can smell all the other females that have been in it. Man whore.

Not that I have any room to judge I guess.

I rolled out of the bed and started to put my clothes back on, flinching when I remembered the stranger’s slimy hands rubbing across my skin, and his breathing in my ear, trying to turn me on when I felt nothing. Still feel nothing.

I looked around the dank room until I located the door and strode over to it, letting myself out and back towards my car and drove away, never looking back at the man who I just let into my body.

It’s been 92 days since Darian had died.

Only the rest of my life to go.