Nothing Left To Lose

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“There is, in fact, an incredible freedom in having nothing left to lose.”

― Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia

Astrid

The moment I woke up it felt I was still dreaming. The blue sky that my eyes met when I opened them seemed like it was torn out from a dream. My eyes adjusted to the light emerging from the room and I thought that I was still living in my dreamland. If was lucky enough to experience something like this. But then reality crept into my consciousness and I realized where I was. I had slept in my old room. The sea next to me reminded me of a time long forgotten, a time when I thought I could forget my destiny and do something completely different from my life.

I had been so torn up by my brother’s passing that I had decided I would never dance again; of course no man can escape from what he was meant to be. Not even me. I buried my head to my pillow and prayed to fall back to sleep a few more hours. My pillow smelled so familiarly of Harry from the last time I was here with him. I wondered if Marian ever bothered to come here to clean after I left in May with Harry and the rest of my friends to go to U.S.A. for the tour. Probably not. I had strictly forbidden her to come here when I was not around.

I had forbidden almost everyone to come here when I was gone. The only person who had spent more than five minutes in this room was Harry and everything around me reminded me with memories of him and how good it had felt him sleeping next to me.

Even when we were on tour and he managed to sneak into my room at nights and we spent our nights declaring our love for each other with the same passion and abandonment that we lived and breathed and as we both reached that moment of pure bliss, he would look at me straight in the eyes and chant my name whispering how much he loved me. But nothing compared with how much he loved me. But nothing could compare with how good it felt waking up next to him. Then I would try to hit the snooze button on my phone but he would fight me urging to get up and I would kiss him till we were both late and we would be the last people down for breakfast.

Now all of those memories hurt so much knowing that I would never again be like that with Harry. I regretted my decision but it was the right thing to do and I had to stick to it. I sighed and got out of bed. I went down to the kitchen to try and find something to eat for breakfast. Marian was already cooking me eggs so I sat down at the table.

“Morning.” She said smiling.

“Good Morning, M.” I smiled.

“How did you sleep?”

“Fine. Where’s Mum?”  I asked. I needed to speak to her.

“She is in the garden.”

“Can you bring my eggs to the garden? I need to speak to Mum.”

“Sure thing, honey.” She said and I left the kitchen.

Mum was reading a book sitting on a bamboo armchair. The sun was making her blond hair shine. She looked so much younger. “Good Morning, Astrid.” She said as she saw me. I took a sit on the armchair opposite her.

“Morning, Mum. Thanks for letting me staying here.”

“Astrid, this is your home. You can come here whenever you want. You can stay here if you want.”

“Well, thank you for letting me back, anyway.” I insisted.

“It was the only thing I could do after what I had done to you.”

“It’s okay.” I said. It was time to forgive her. Yesterday, I realized how ephemeral everything was.  I wanted my mum back.

“So what are your plans for today?” she asked.

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