Broken Charms

Coming Back Around

“Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you.”

― Audrey Hepburn

Astrid

I spent the whole day in my bed after what happened with Harry. If I wasn’t that stupid and could control myself I would still have his friendship and I needed someone who knew what I was going through. He hadn’t called me back. I was kind of counting on that. He always let people go. I had always known that and I took advantage of it when I urged him to let me go. He always believed that he was the worst kind of person which of course wasn’t true but he had to let me go in order to find his happiness. I couldn’t bring myself to drag him down to the chaos that I had to cal my life right now.

I somehow found the strength to crawl out of bed and somehow managed to get ready for work. It was a slow night so my mind could easily ran back to the previous night and how perfect everything was. I had destroyed everything afterwards, of course but that was what I was good at. At least I could pretend that it would be okay. If I had stayed he would soon have realized how broken I really was and when he would leave it would hurt so much. So, I did us both a favor and left before he could hurt me. Everything was so messed up.

After that fall on that godforsaken stage, my life had been nothing but chaos. I had no idea what I was going to do in the future. How would I be able to cope if something happened to my dad? What about my mum? She had changed those few months I was away, as my father had told me, but could I trust her again and accept her back to my life or would her grief swallow me once again?

Her mental illness had affected me so much through the years. She was the reason I didn’t get attached to other people that easily. The way she treated me when I was a child, how she blamed me for everything had destroyed me completely. It was so hard growing up with her. There were days that I would hide under my bed till my dad came home hoping that she wouldn’t find me and yell at me or worse. I was avoiding my mother at all cost back then.

My cousin had told me once that I had buried my mother alongside my brother and for years I believed that.  My mother had died with my brother or at least a part of her. But now according to my father she was different. My dad’s illness had changed her and forced her to see the world to face the reality.

Only one question remained. Could I trust her?

I was running low on people I could trust. Anne was in London studying at the academy, meaning she was far away from here. Daniel was teaching in the Academy and Alex, well, I hadn’t spoken to Alex after I left. I feared to confess to myself that I had no one to help me. It sucked having no one to speak to.

I always believed that I could live on my own and be happy. Even since I was a child, people around had been hurting by moving on with their lives and leaving my behind. I was tired of people letting me down and that was why I was used to pushing people away from me, but then Harry came into my life and changed everything. He showed me that I could be happier if I let people approach me. Liam, Zayn, Louis and Niall had become my friends. They had all showed me a new aspect in life.

A life full of friends and happiness but that it came down and proved me right. Sadly, people acted out of selfishness and even those who I believed were my best friends, like John. He acted out of jealousy. His betrayal was hurting me even at that moment.  I had forgiven him, though. Deep down, I had understood why he had done all those hurtful things, why he had acted that way. But that didn’t mean that I could forget how much pain his resentment had caused me. It felt like that butterfly affect when one simple butterfly could a hurricane in the other side of the world. He was like that. His jealousy and selfishness had brought my life upside down. I couldn’t help but think how much different my life would have been if he would just told me how much I meant to him.