𝑹𝑼𝑰𝑵 𝒀𝑶𝑼

𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝕱𝖔𝖚𝖗

"Soooo?" Alyssa said awkwardly as Apunda and I sat across from each other, silent and cold.

"Are we gonna communicate or sit here like children?" she asked bluntly.

"I'm fine with the latter." Apunda shrugged.

"Baby.." her new boyfriend or whatever said while giving a pleading look.

"Let's just start over," Alyssa sighed.

"Both of you air your grievances—like adults!" She quickly added.

Apunda looked to as we exchanged a common look.

She sighed and started speaking, "Joshua I love you, I do, we were so close after only a few months. I felt like I'd known you as long as I've known Alyssa." She admitted, "but, you are not a person I need in my life right now. I understand what you're going through and I tried to help, but when I started to feel like there was nothing I could do I had to distance myself. You were a toxic person in my life and despite that I still tried. Even after you undermined my relationship with Lekan and basically implied it wouldn't last I still stayed." She ranted.

I stayed quiet as she talked and honestly, everything she said was true. I allowed my pain to changed me and I took it out on those around me.

"You're right, you're right and I'm sorry. I'm so tired of being abandoned, that I'd rather push people away to avoid the pain." I said truthfully,

"But about me disrespecting your relationship, it wasn't on purpose. I didn't imply it wasn't gonna last because of you, but rather because I was still in that mindset that EVERYONE leaves. How was I suppose to react when I'm heartbroken and my friend falls in  love. Of course I'm happy for you, but sometimes I get tired of always being the one happy for others. Why can't somebody be happy for me?"

"Joshua we were happy for you! Even when we found out who Clarence "truly" was, we were!"

The sound of that name instantly gave me chills.

"DONT!-," I paused myself suppressing an outburst, "Don't say his name," I said much quieter.

Everyone one at the table gave me sympathetic looks even Lekan, who I barely knew.

"And that just proves it Joshua, even his name still affects you," she shook her head and stood up giving me a sad look.

"I love you but I can't have this in my life."

Lekan stood up beside her as she began to walk away from the table.

Alyssa stayed silent in shock while Lekan gave me one final look of sympathy, "I can try to talk to her."

I waved him off, "it's ok, I want her to do what's best for her. If that means cutting me off then I understand." I said truthfully.

He sighed and jogged out of the restaurant to catch up with her.

I then looked over to Alyssa who still sat silent. "I appreciate what you were trying to do, but you shouldn't have." I shook my head."

"She's much better with out me and all I'll do is continue to push her away."

"Josh, you won't pu-"

"I will though," I said cutting off her first words. "Even after her airing all her grievances I still felt nothing. Yes I said I was sorry, because I am, I just don't feel sympathy. Even though she just left I'm not sad," I shrugged.

"I don't feel anything anymore." I said lowly while staring at my own tattooed arms.

"That isn't right...." she said sadly.

"So, how do we fix it." She said ignorantly, eyes full of sadness.

I shook my head and scoffed, "there is no 'fixing' it."

"He left with a part of me that I can't get back......my heart."

"Josh you've got to stop letting him control you, he's gone, you can't change it! But what you can change is the road your on, the drinking, smoking, suicidal thoughts. It's all got to stop."

And there it was again, people telling me what was best for me as if they had and inkling of the pain I had.

I stood up without responding and began to walk out.

She sighed from behind me but followed me on my way out.

After we got her car she began to drive, I didn't even ask where we were going because I didn't care. I'd let her have her day of "fixing" me.

I knew it wouldn't work but I also knew she wouldn't give up.

She was still looking for the light in a body full of darkness.