young & wild | chaeyu

eighth ; concern

 "I don't know," managed Chaeyoung, a strange and all too familiar feeling filling her as she watched Tzuyu's retreating figure. "She came over to say hi, but I think there was something she didn't say."

"Well, that much is obvious," remarked Dahyun, laughing softly in a way Chaeyoung would have found attractive if she wasn't such close friends with the older girl.

Chaeyoung turned back to face Dahyun-- Tzuyu had walked through the company building doors and out of her sight. Strangely, she felt almost defiant, as though she needed to disprove Dahyun's comment about Tzuyu's reluctance being "obvious." Besides, why had Dahyun been watching her? Chaeyoung folded her arms as she thought of that, completely forgetting that she'd been looking at Dahyun and Momo's interaction mere minutes ago. For that brief moment, Chaeyoung had turned into the hypocrite she often hated, but she didn't realize it. How could she, when her brain was still scrambled-- from her longing for affection, and the closeness she'd just felt with the young model she was meant to be tutoring? It was amazing she could still remember how to speak in that moment.

Or maybe she couldn't. Facing Dahyun and her familiar presence, Chaeyoung couldn't pull herself together enough to say anything comprehendable. So she didn't, and just stood there, clenching her fists closed and squeezing her eyes shut.

"Chaeyoung, are you okay?" Dahyun's now concerned voice floated from the darkness Chaeyoung was seeing, her eyes still closed as though she was a child trying to wish away her problems. The ocean of dark she was viewing in that moment was almost comforting, if not for the fact that she knew she couldn't just dream away her own confusion.

But how could she go about fixing her confused state when she didn't even know what she was confused about? All she knew was that she'd watched the trainees enter the main lobby, and then exchanged a few words with a girl of her own age. However, the feelings that had come with the painfully ordinary minutes of activity were far from comprehensible for the young girl.

"Chae, open your eyes."

Slowly, remembering that she couldn't hide-- that while the monsters of her childhood could be ignored, now she was old enough she needed to learn to face her own emotions-- Chaeyoung opened her dark brown eyes, her gaze cast to the floor. Color swam back in an almost dizzyingly way.

"Are you okay?" Seeing and hearing Dahyun's concern, Chaeyoung was reminded that she was supposed to be the strong one-- Dahyun worked tirelessly to debut one day, and Chaeyoung was nothing was a regular employee. She was supposed to comfort Dahyun, not the way around. The same applied to Nayeon. The older girl deserved much more support from Chaeyoung than Chaeyoung deserved from Nayeon, at least according to the younger girl.

If Chaeyoung was to falter-- to crack as she was doing at that moment, was she really worth anything? In her own eyes, she had already proved herself to be useless. Sooner or later, they'd all see it-- Dahyun and Nayeon and Tzuyu and even Jeongyeon, who she'd been close with until recently.

Come on, Chae, she reminded herself. Back to the present. Dahyun asked if I'm okay. I am, right? Then tell her.

And although her throat was dry and the room too bright, Chaeyoung managed a small, clearly fake smile and slowly, slowly, let her hands drop loosely to her sides, no longer clenched into a painfully tight fist. "Thank you, Dahyun," she said quietly. "But I'm okay."

"Are you sure about that?" While Dahyun's wording could seen as judgmental and rude to those that didn't know much about the two girls' friendship, Chaeyoung knew Dahyun meant it positively, and in the most genuine and appreciative way possible. "I'm done for today, can I take you home or hang out for while?"

Yes please, screamed Chaeyoung internally. But while her mind begged for some company, Chaeyoung found herself outwardly rejecting Dahyun's offer. Her ears, feeling as though they were under a seemingly endless sound-blocking blanket, barely picked up on Dahyun's reply.

"Okay, maybe later then." Dahyun smiled. "But isn't it time you left anyway? Most people are getting ready to leave."

"S-sure. I was about ready to go, actually." Suddenly, Chaeyoung remembered that they weren't alone, and that anyone could be eavesdropping on their conversation. A rush of self-consciousness overcame her, and she nervously glanced around. However, it appeared that no one was paying attention to them-- It probably just looked as though she and Dahyun were having a conversation, like normal. Another jolt passed through her. Normal. It seemed like such a foreign word.

"Good," exhaled Dahyun, sounding somewhat relieved she hadn't needed to fight Chaeyoung to go. It had happened once before, when Chaeyoung had first joined the company and the two had bonded after Chaeyoung tried to overwork herself to somehow prove she was fit for the job. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

"Mmm-hmm," Chaeyoung responded openly, not having the heart to openly lie just to soothe Dahyun's worries. She would try to be healthy, but she already knew that she was moody enough she was going to end up doing the extremes-- either one hour of sleep or ten, a small snack or a bag of junk.

Dahyun bit her lip. "Are you sure you don't want me come over? I promise I'm not doing anything tonight."

Again, Chaeyoung denied her. "No, I'm good. Besides, I can already tell I'm going to be particularly irritating tonight. It's just something that happens when I get stressed. I never know when my... moods are going to be triggered, Dahyun, I'm sorry."

These kinds of panics had happened throughout Chaeyoung's childhood, and had lapsed for a while after she finished her basic education. But after she got her first job-- working near minimum wage in a grocery store as a cashier-- they'd started back up in earnest. People at store, both her customers and fellow employees, treated Chaeyoung badly and dismissively. Though it hurt whenever a customer flew by in a rush and didn't even look at her, she knew it wasn't at personal. In fact, it was rather the opposite, as they didn't even know Chaeyoung and likely never would. Still, the lack of caring and rushed ambiance that surrounded Chaeyoung almost daily as she worked was smothering. She was employed there for five months, and the last three had gradually began to blend together until the last month was a blur-- until The Breakdown, which Chaeyoung could remember in almost vivid detail. She wished she couldn't, though. It was a dark, scorched mark of shame in her history, and she hated it.

But at the same time, such panics had happened many times before-- they'd just been handled differently, with different people around her. So Chaeyoung couldn't distance herself from that one particularly bad panic attack because it was part of her. And that hurt more than anything, knowing and being fully aware of her one, huge shortcoming that had shaped her life so much. She tried to ignore it, the anxiety problems she had, but that meant her frustrations just built and festered and multiplied until she couldn't handle it. The sudden burst of emotion paired with her irrational fears about the change in people and her concern for Nayeon and Jeongyeon was going to be too much. Chaeyoung at least wanted to be at home and alone when she started crying.

Dahyun blinked in surprise. "Please don't be sorry."

The other girl shifted awkwardly and mumbled under her breath, "But I am." Thankfully, Dahyun didn't seem to hear, and continued on talking to her without showing any sort of reaction.

"I'm going to check up on you, so check your texts, though. And please reply, too. I know you have a habit of not doing that."

"I'll try to remember," reassured Chaeyoung, smiling so convincingly that Dahyun could almost ignore the fact that she was only a few minutes from catastrophe. "I should go now."

"Of course," reluctantly agreed Dahyun. "Take care."

Chaeyoung shot her a smile, scooped up her materials, and exited the building almost as fast as Tzuyu had, just minutes before.

a/n: i'm so in love with fancy ahhh :D girls like us and hot are my favorites, but i've got a lot of love for the whole ep <3 what's your favorite track from fancy you?