young & wild | chaeyu

thirty-five ; realization

    The guilt that Momo felt was very disorienting. Her emotions towards Jeongyeon had always been slightly complicated but putting Nayeon and Dahyun in the mix made it all about five times more complex. She wished she’d never expressed any interest in the older girl from the very beginning. Maybe things wouldn’t be so messy if she’d just kept her gayness to herself.

    But there she was, waiting for Dahyun to arrive to practice rapping that morning, feeling bad for someone who’d never really had genuine mutual feelings. If anything, Momo felt the worst for Nayeon. The poor girl hadn’t had anything to do with it. Momo wished she’d known the two were dating from the beginning, and she would’ve stopped herself from becoming as emotionally connected as she did.

    Hopefully, the damage was salvageable. Momo figured it’d all be okay in the end, but for the time being, she was somewhat worried.

    The idol’s stomach twisted when she considered the entire situation. Clearly, she was not doing everything as she needed to. Nayeon and Jeongyeon, in an influential position, weren’t exactly her biggest fans. She could speak Korean casually, but writing it and speaking under pressure was a weakness she had yet to find a remedy to. Momo just felt like everything was falling apart, and all she wanted to dance. It made her wonder if the idol life was really the right choice-- but she couldn’t think like that.

    Before Momo could stress herself into a panic, she was suddenly enveloped in a familiar embrace from behind.

    “Hey Momo,” whispered Dahyun gently into Momo’s long dark hair. Immediately, Momo let herself lean back into the comforting figure, feeling more relaxed just by being in her presence. Dahyun simply existing brought solace and calm to the idol. 

    “Are you ready to practice?” mumbled the trainee into the older girl’s hair. Momo smiled at the soft, slightly teasing voice of the pretty brunette. “You seem tense.”

    Momo sighed, gently shrugging out of Dahyun’s arms. “Just thinking. About a lot of things, I guess.”

    “Wanna talk?”

    Momo smiled at her half-heartedly, drinking in the features of the hopeful trainee. Her pale skin shone softly under the sharp lights of the practice room, and her eyes sparkled brightly, alight with mischief and affection. Her soft hair was pulled up into a bun, revealing the pink and orange highlights in the back. Dahyun’s v-necked shirt showed more of her pretty, soft looking skin than Momo was used to, and she couldn’t help but stop and let her gaze linger on her collarbone for a moment longer than necessary.

    Momo looked but up at her face, slightly flustered as she realized how much she had stared. But Dahyun seemed anything but uncomfortable, as she stared Momo down, her eyes pausing as she looked over the dancer’s body. Momo’s heart skipped a beat as she noticed the way Dahyun bit her lower lip ever so slightly.

    “Dubu...?” mumbled Momo, trying not to show how taken aback she was by the outright boldness of Dahyun’s actions.

    She laughed lightly, meeting Momo’s eyes with her own. Again, Momo noted how brightly they sparkled. “Ready to rap, Momo?”

    The older girl nodded slowly. “Yeah,” she breathed. “Yeah, I am.”

    “Let’s get to it then!” said Dahyun cheerfully. “Chae recommended I listen to a rapper she told me about a while ago, and observe their technique.”

    Momo nodded. “Sounds good.” 

    The entire practice session soon descended into  an atmosphere of tension and slight awkwardness. Momo felt as though she couldn’t concentrate hard enough to learn as much as she should have, her mind unable to rest and focus on the present. She kept thinking, and thinking, about the night in the practice room from not long before. Momo remembered the mix of adrenaline, wistfulness, and guilt that had consumed her, giving her the courage to order Dahyun closer, and how her desire to forget the entire mess surrounding Jeongyeon pushed her to have the courage to kiss the younger trainee. Her motive in the moment wasn’t right, but Momo figured a kiss wouldn’t hurt. And now, she couldn’t stop thinking about it, the way her heart had lept when she felt Dahyun’s lips connect with her own, how their hands had laced together. How her lips had moved against her own, gently and affectionately.

    As she watched Dahyun laugh as she told the older girl something she found amusing, Momo felt her heart speed up, ever so slightly. She wondered if Dahyun had felt the same way as she had, or if it really was just a kiss to her. Momo wished it was as easy as just asking, but she didn’t feel it was right, especially considering the guilt she harbored thinking of the way she’d played a major role in Nayeon and Jeongyeon’s split. She couldn’t express her feelings towards Dahyun until she could properly express her remorse to Nayeon and Jeongyeon.

    It made her emotions messy.

    “Momo?” The sound of Dahyun’s voice broke Momo away from her own thoughts. 

    “Yeah, Dubu?”

    She looked at the older girl, her eyebrows furrowed in slight concern. “You look worried. Are you okay?”

    “Just… thinking.” Her accent thickened slightly, Dahyun noticed. That detail brought her back to a certain night, and her stomach twisted. “I’m kinda tired, actually.”

    Dahyun frowned a little. “Do you need to rest Momo? I want you to be healthy!”

    She laughed a little, but it was forced. “I’m okay, Dubu. Just dealing with some internal stuff right now.” 

    The young trainee exhaled shakily. She wasn’t sure why she felt so quivery all at once-- perhaps Momo’s tensions were contagious, and she had picked up on them too. “Okay. Can I… Can I help?” Dahyun wanted her to say yes, she wanted to be able to cross the chasm that seemed to be separating them. She wished she could even know the topic of Momo’s distress. She hoped she wasn’t bothered by Dahyun. Maybe that was a selfish thing to think of, wondering if Momo was bothered by her first, but she couldn’t help it. She wanted the beautiful idol to like her.

    Momo shrugged. “I don’t know, Dahyun. I need to find Jeongyeon soon. I think she will be able to help me.”

    “Oh,” sighed Dahyun softly. “Hopefully she will, then.” She couldn’t explain the way she suddenly felt heavy with disappointment, her heart sinking in her chest. It was unreasonable to have any sort of negative feelings about Momo taking a step towards internal peace, but she couldn’t help but feel at least somewhat bitter. 

    Momo nodded. “Yeah.” Internally, her mind raced. She hadn’t really considered the obvious until she’d said it-- she did need to find Jeongyeon and talk to her. She couldn’t just keep dwelling on her guilt, she needed to find some peace, and at least try to resolve the raw emotions that plagued her. “Yeah. You’re right.”

    Dahyun quirked an eyebrow. She didn’t know what Momo was referring to when she told her she was right, and she wasn’t going to ask, not now, not when Momo looked so determined and so much less distressed than she had moments before. Whatever the case, she was glad the older girl seemed more calm than she had moments before. “Thanks,” she responded, trying not to laugh.

    “Would… would you mind if I ended practice early? I kinda want to just get this over with now…” Momo trailed off, not wanting to blow Dahyun off but really wanting to get closure.

    “Yeah, of course Momo! Go talk to Jeongyeon. I hope you will get the advice you are looking for.”

a/n: updating from my phone rn, i hope the formatting still works fine! some big chapters coming up, and i hope to finish ch36 in a couple days :D and happy belated mina day btw <3
have u picked up any new habits or hobbies due to quarantine boredom?