young & wild | chaeyu

nineth ; smile

 Truth to be told, Chaeyoung was surprised. She'd kinda expected to break down or cry when she got home, but all she felt was empty.

When Chaeyoung was younger, she loved the books that gave her thrills-- cool, calm, and cold characters who wielded great powers like magic, athleticism, and guns. She loved how alive and excited it made her feel, reading and watching great stories of heroism. But she couldn't help but feel emotionally distant from so many of the characters displayed in that kind of novel. They were always cold, and unfeeling. Or maybe they started out real and human and at least somewhat relatable, but almost every one of the heroes she read about ended up empty and emotionless, distancing themselves from the humanity they tried so hard to protect. It left little Chaeyoung somewhat regretful that she couldn't ever be "a main character" like in the action filled stories she was raised on. It seemed that Chaeyoung wasn't strong or clever or talented enough already, but to top it off she was so emotional.

From a young age, Chaeyoung was very passionate and felt strongly about most opinions she had. She could be stubborn too, and these overpowering personality traits paired with her anxiety attacks she'd occasionally have left her a victim of her own mind and feelings.
This was the first time in her life she could remember feeling like she had wished she could when she was reading about the unfeeling protagonists in the silly novels she'd been so dedicated to in her childhood. Never before had she felt so empty, so plain. It was like a void had been carved out from her chest, where her heart might have been.

A cold, heavy blanket settled over Chaeyoung's thoughts, making every conscious idea or realization dull and forgettable. Her limbs felt suddenly and immensely heavy.

Chaeyoung was almost asleep, sitting there on her bed, leaning against the wall behind her and breathing deeply, when a sharp bing! disturbed her rest. She opened her eyes, glancing over at her phone, which lay only a few feet away. Groaning softly in annoyance, Chaeyoung leaned over to see what was so important as to disturb her rest.

Dahyun: are you okay, chae? do you need anything?

Chaeyoung smiled halfheartedly at the kind message. Honestly, what she needed was someone to make her feel warm and comfortable. She was craving the kind of love and physical affections she'd been lacking. Truthfully, she just wanted a hug or two and a reminder to take care of herself, but she didn't want to bother anyone.

Chaeyoung: thank you dubu, but i'm good, just tired. i'll see you tomorrow?

Dahyun: ofc baby chae <3

Dahyun: goodnight!

Chaeyoung: gn :)

Chaeyoung sighed, looking at how she'd shut down their potential conversation before it had even properly begun. Why did she have to do this to herself? Why did she have to feel as though she was lacking friendship when it was right there?

Her chest ached with the emotion of loneliness, and Chaeyoung lowered her head onto her pillow, her mind empty and body energyless. Slowly, her eyes slide shut and she melted into a deep and dream-filled state of sleep-- restful, but not all that pleasant.

The next day, Chaeyoung woke up to the sound of her alarm in a dazed and forgetful state, her mind fuzzy and her memories dull. Even so, she didn't try to think about the events of the previous day. She knew she'd been rude to Dahyun, and that made her feel unbearably guilty. It was easier to pretend it had never happened. So she went on autopilot, her mind blank and her movements robotic and plain

When Chaeyoung arrived at work the next day, it was with the intention to get in and get out, to just make it through the day. Not that there was anything waiting for her at home or anything, but she just felt empty, and without motivation to speak with anyone. Of course, that didn't happen as she intended, whether for better or worse.

The short brunette sighed, dropping her head to the desk and watching out of tired eyes as Dahyun approached her. "How are you feeling?" asked Dahyun, tilting her head in concern.

"Eh. Tired," answered Chaeyoung honestly. "I noticed you were talking to Momo yesterday. Were you training together?" she questioned with a small smile. If there was one way to distract Dahyun, Chaeyoung knew all she had to do was start talking about Momo or dance training. Either way, it immediately made Dahyun suitably preoccupied, and including both topics at the same time immediately ensured Dahyun's distraction.

As Chaeyoung expected, a small smile appeared on Dahyun's face. "Yeah... She's so nice. Isn't that unfair? She's talented and pretty and kind too."

"So are you," Chaeyoung reminded her, one eyebrow raised as she lifted herself back up into a sitting position.

Dahyun laughed. "As if."

"Well, you are," pointed out Chaeyoung stubbornly, glancing at the blinking time displayed on the corner of her computer screen. "And my lunch break started three minutes ago, if you'd like to go eat somewhere together. But we'd have to be fast, Nayeon wanted me to edit some notes from her meetings so I need all my work time today."

"The cafe with the lights isn't far," pointed out Dahyun. "And I'm hungry too. Do you want to go there and get a muffin or something?"

Chaeyoung laughed lightly. "That's so like you to say. There's sandwiches too, and they're healthier and taste good."

Dahyun shrugged. "Muffins taste better and they have sugar, which provides energy which I definitely need because I'm this close to crashing."

Not for the first time, Chaeyoung found herself concerned about Dahyun's eating habits. "Sugar doesn't provide you with long lasting energy, so you're gonna be even more tired after practice than you are now. And what did you eat for breakfast?"

The sheepish smile that Dahyun gave her was enough information for Chaeyoung to know the answer. "Really, Dubu?" she said with exasperation. "You need to eat breakfast, no matter how annoying or trivial it is."

A few moments ago, Dahyun had been cheerful and happy. But now, she seemed immediately downcast and guilty. A jolt of guilt hit Chaeyoung. Dahyun was so cheerful and strong that Chaeyoung often forgot that her money was always stretched thin. Being a trainee did not give her a paycheck and she was only able to work a side job for two days a week. 10,020 won an hour. Practically minimum wage. At least Dahyun received a small monthly allowance from her family for the next year, Chaeyoung knew. After that, she was on her own. Understandably, they wanted to support the young trainee, but there were limits, also understandably. They'd given her some time to have a chance to pursue her dream-- but still, it wasn't a stable path to keep being a trainee without debut or success.

Chaeyoung hadn't become a trainee like Dahyun, but maybe that was a good thing, as she received no financial support from her family, which was on the lower side of middle class and in a different section of the large city. Being a secretary that worked on simple stuff like editing papers, guiding guests or new employees, and organizing phone calls and meeting was boring work, but at least it gave her enough food to keep her apartment and a reliable amount of money for food.

Shifting uncomfortably, Dahyun forced a smile. "Thanks for worrying, but I'm fine, trust me."

Chaeyoung paused, then slowly nodded. "Okay. Let's go to cafe then, shall we?" She dropped the subject, knowing that it would only end badly if she kept pursuing the topic.

"Yeah," agreed Dahyun, wrapping her arms around herself. Not for the first time, Chaeyoung felt a pang of appreciation. Even amongst her own troubles Dahyun always found the strength to comfort and reassure the younger girl. She was stronger and braver than she appeared.

As they began to head down the street to the cafe with the yellow-gold lights and muffins, the sky opened up and it began to rain, tears from the heavens tracking paths down their cheeks and washing them in sorrow.

a/n: the jihyo fancams from this era are already killing me... which member do you watch the most fancams of?