Blue Eyed Stranger [COMPLETE]

Chapter 25: Idiots

"I feel like such an idiot." Castiel mutters, stroking Mittens on his lap.

Alfie sighs with him. "It's not your fault, Cas, you were just trying to make a point."

The two are sat in their apartment on the sofa, staring blankly at the TV. Cas had come home from work, feeling to flustered and embarrassed to return after the palaver that occurred in the office between him and Dean.

"I was trying to make a point, not create a stupid scene." Castiel grumbles again. "I, I just wanted for us to y'know, be established. I wanted him to understand that I was unhappy with the way we were together but not together together. Does that make any sense?"

Nodding at him, Alfie scoops up a leg onto the couch and faces him. "Of course it does, Cas. You were hurt and you just wanted to tell him, maybe you just went around it the wrong way."

Groaning, Castiel leans his head back. He knew Alfie was right — he shouldn't have approached Dean like that and brought up their relationship in the environment that makes him sensitive about his sexuality, it's his own fault.

"Maybe Dean's right," he sighs. "Maybe my flamboyancy is a huge pain in the ass. The stupid need to make everything dramatic and out there. I'm your stereotypical gay guy, aren't I?"

"It's not bad, that's just you." Alfie says softly. "And being you is what made Dean interested in the first place."

"And Dean is just him, I can't force him to act like a camp ass like me." Castiel concludes in return.

"No, you can't." Alfie laughs softly. "There's nothing wrong with the way you are, Cas. He's just a bit more... closeted than you, literally. You're affectionate, loving and you want to show it in every way possible. That's not bad, that's sweet. He's lucky to have somebody so caring." He compliments Castiel, making him smile.

"I'm lucky if he still wants me." Castiel scoffs, pulling at the loose hairs on Mittens. "After that stupid argument I caused, it's no wonder he feels embarrassed of me."

It still hurts, hearing the echo of Dean calling him an embarrassment. The insecurity that lay deep within him has risen to the surface, making him feel worthless. He knows he shouldn't be so reliant on somebody else for his confidence, but his whole out there, gay boy facade is built on such compliments instilled from others. You know, strangers in gay bars who he would dance with and reflect his outgoing false-self, screaming about how good they looked to one another. Perhaps that makes him shallow, he doesn't know.

But recently, hearing the degrading comments from others like Ben, having conflicting situations with girls like Lilith and just being with somebody as beautiful as Dean has been damaging to his self-esteem. He doesn't need to relay his insecurities, how his older self doesn't resemble the person society deems perfect. He needed that reassurance that Dean happily provided, and now it's all gone to shambles.

"I don't think he meant it." Alfie replies, bringing Castiel's mind back into the room. "It's like I said, he seems kinda uptight, and insecure in himself. I think he's just embarrassed of the situation he's got himself tangled up in." He shrugs. "I think he really likes you, Cas, especially from what you've told me. The fact that he wants to commit to you too, albeit in a weird way, is a really big thing."

"It just confused me, the way he's like expecting me to move in with him, y'know, take my cat and off I go. We've never properly spoken about it, and we haven't been seeing each other long." Castiel frowns. "It's so cute that he's so excited about it all though, that's what gets me. Like with the cat tree." He laughs. "Yet... he doesn't want our relationship to escape those walls. It's odd to me."

"Would you want to move in with him?" Alfie asks. "Is that what has made this take a tow on you? That level of commitment is scary for people that haven't known each other that long."