latch :: calum hood (rewriting)

xxi.

I paced around my room in circles, thousands of thoughts racing my mind. Ashton had called me, sounding a bit worried, telling me he needed to talk. It seemed pretty urgent and very peculiar, especially since it was Ashton who wanted to talk.

Luke and Michael acted a bit strange after school, ditching on our plans to hangout, along with Calum. He gave me some excuse saying that Mali had the flu, although Mali hasn't gotten sick since she was 15.

I sighed heavily, texting them back but constantly receiving nothing but very vague responses from the all of them. It frustrates me when I have no idea what is going on. It makes me feel helpless, especially if there's nothing I can do to help fix a situation. I groaned loudly into my pillow, waiting as seconds turned into minutes, and I still received no responses.

I heard knocks on my room door, causing my head to turn. Ashton softly smiles at me, letting himself in. He wore sunglasses, inside, something he normally never did.

"Nice shades." I complemented, breaking the tension. He nods, accepting the complement and sat down on my swirly computer chair. I bit down on my lip, watching him spin around, contemplating.

Time seemed to trail on longer than I anticipated and I was getting bored watching him mumble things to himself as he spun. I tried my best not to display my agitation, but was still slowly losing my patience. 

He exhaled. "There's no way of telling you this without it being devastating."

My eyebrows raised at him. "Devastating how?" I sat up, waiting for his answer.

He avoids making eye contact with me, hence the shades. He swears a ton underneath his breath, letting out a heavy sigh.

"How much do you love Calum?" he asked me, with a unlikely voice crack at the end. I stared at him weirdly.

"A lot. Why?"

It seemed a bit strange for Ashton to ask me such. I think it was a bit obvious how much I loved Calum. He meant the world and much more to me and I thought everyone knew that.

"You love him enough to stay with him, even if he fucks up?" Ashton questioned, looking down at his hands, sighing constantly to himself.

"Ashton, what the hell is going on?!" I nearly shouted, not intended to. How exactly could Calum have fucked up? We were finally back at it, clean slate, fresh start. Anything that had happened is in the past and the only think I am concerned about is our future together. And dammit, our future together seems pretty bright 

"Um." Ashton licked his dry lips, clearing his throat. "I can't — I can't say it."

I paused, looking up at him, with his face that was becoming increasingly pale. He ran his fingers through his hair more times than I could count. Whatever was going on, it was evident that there was a lot on Ashton's mind.

"Ashton." I spoke softly, inching closer to him. I put my hand on his shoulder, the other gently taking off his glasses. His eyes were a bit swollen, and red rings circled around his irises.

"What's wrong?" I asked concered, sulking in my spot.

I didn't want to blatantly point out that he had been crying or that I had noticed for that matter, but whatever was going on made Ashton upset.

"You know," he began, wiping his eyes as water began to brim at the sides. "I try my best to make sure everyone is happy. I come off a bit as a little grumpy, some may say I'm an ass, but I mostly am a happy person I would say." His voiced seemed a bit weary, his words shaking a bit, along with his breath. "But for some reason, lately everything is not going right. I feel that I'm happy one second and then one tiny thing happens and I'm back at square one."

I couldn't say anything or much for that matter. It was scary to think about the realism behind Ashton's words, and how well they correlate to what has happened to him and the rest of us. And I always saw the effect it had on me and Calum, but I never considered the others, so having Ashton sit here, with blood-shot eyes, did not help at all.

"Ash, if this is about the accident, we're fine. Calum's going to walk again soon, and we can get the band going. Everything will be back to normal." I did my best to assure him of the positive outcome that we all will soon see. And I think that thinking about all the good yet to come is what has gotten me through all of this.

He scoffed a bit, wiping more of the over flowing tears. Ashton was never the type to cry, nor have I ever seen him cry. "I wanted to die."

"Ashton don't say that !" I pleaded, not wanting to hear any of it, or replay any of the scenes of it in my mind. About the countless times Michael begged Ashton to wake up, and how he screamed to the sky because he thought one of his best friends were gone. "Don't you ever say that again." 

"I wanted to be with someone, if a so called, afterlife, existed." he argued. I gulped harshly, blinking away to another direction. I couldn't look him in the lip without trigger my bottom lip to quiver. I sighed.

"Who'd you want to be with?" I asked, curiously. Ashton never mentioned a significant death in his family by any chance. As far as I know of, his family is in well condition, even if he doesn't get to see them that often. 

"Two people actually, two very important people. I lost two of the most important people to me a few years back. And I wouldn't want you or Calum to know what it's like to feel like —"

"Feel like what?" I cut him off, unclear of what he was saying. He shook off whatever he planned to say.

"Jenni's pregnant." he bluntly says, hitting himself in the head. "I don't believe it but apparently she's four months in and — dammit, I'm sorry Scar." He apologized, quickly. 

I felt my chest cave in swiftly, my throat locking up. I clench tightly onto my bed sheets as the whole room seemed to spin. Once again, I was left speechless, and just as Ashton said earlier, back at square one. 

"I guess I know what you meant when you said devastating." I added a soft chuckle, trying to hide what I was really feelings. "And I'm assuming the child she so happens to be pregnant with is Calum's."

Ashton nods, putting his shades back on his eyes. He smacks his lips louder than he must have intended, playing with his thumbs.

We sat there in silence for what seemed like hours, but was only roughly ten minutes. I was trying to find the strength to speak up, possibly ask questions. However, I was in-between the threshold of wanting to know more and wanting to keep my sanity. 

"I'm guessing that's why you guys ditched our plans earlier." I spoke up. He nods, not wanting to say much either. I laid back on my bed, staring absentmindedly at the ceiling. My breaths became heavy and loud enough for anyone to hear. 

In the mist of all of this, both of our phones ring simultaneously. I look at the screen with a name plastered on it, that would normally give me butterflies at the pit of my stomach, but rather made my stomach turned. I looked at Ashton's, which he quickly declined. Whoever was calling him obviously wasn't important.

"You should probably answer that." Ashton tells me. I shook my head, throwing my phone across the room angrily. I bit my tongue, silencing a tremendous yelp from escaping.

 "It's not fair!" I cried out. "Everything. Everything that had happened and continues to happen, i-it- it's not fair!"

Without having to say a word, I knew Ashton agreed.

"We're supposed to grow old together. Have maybe two children and I don't know, three dogs, because we all know how much Calum's loves them. Jenni isn't supposed to be the one having his children." I confessed to Ashton, my words breaking every so often, with a unwanted gasp.

"That doesn't mean it won't happen Scar." he says, "Doesn't mean you both still can't grow old together."

I shook my head, disagreeing. I felt myself breaking down right, feeling helpless once again. I sobbed heavily, looking down as  tears hitting my denim pants.

"Ashton, I don't think me and Calum are going to survive through this."

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did this filler even make sense ?!?!?!

next update should be better, i swear