The Blurred Line

Day 15 - the day after finding out

So today is the day after out that my leg can't be reconstructed. I'm going to try and write at least two posts a day with one from the past starting from day 1 and also one from the present starting from today so that you can find out what happened and why I'm here now but also what's happening at the moment so you don't have to worry about how I am now.

Today has been an odd day - I'm very uncomfortable and sore after the surgery yesterday and keep having highs when I read the beautiful posts and messages my friends have set and lows when I think about what has happened and what will happen. All in all I feel a bi numb and like this isn't happening to me. I've made the decision; I was never going to argue for reconstruction with them anyway when they explained yesterday that I had a much bigger bone defect than they thought and that the leg would be relatively useless even if reconstruction was successful. I don't want a useless leg when I could do so much more with prosthetics. I want to be hiking again soon.

Mr Simmons, one of the plastic surgeons came to chat earlier and I think he was quite relieved at what I'd chosen from a view that he didn't want to see me go through the trauma of failed reconstruction. The operation will probably be on Tuesday especially if they decide to take some of the bones and skin from my heel but the prosthetic team will decide whether that's necessary. Otherwise I could possibly have it removed tomorrow which will make me far more comfortable.

Laura from prosthetics will be round in about half an hour to explain what they think is going to happen and to expect of rehab. I've lost basically all the bone below the knee but miraculously the knee is intact. If they want to add a bit more length on, they will take bone and skin from my heel and the surgery will be on Tuesday. If they don't think there will be much benefit to that, I could potentially have the surgery tomorrow. I'm hoping for tomorrow. I just want this uncomfortable dead weight gone. Last night, after the epidural in surgery, I had no pain or discomfort and my foot felt really warm – it was really bizarre – but now I just I really hope that she will say I can go to the annual hiking club dinner I've organised. I'll be rocking the maxi dress!

Talking of rocking the fashion, my sister went to see Adele at the O2 arena yesterday, hence the T-shirt she kindly bought me. The tickets were a Christmas present from her to me and she spent such a long time trying to get them. She was so chuffed to get these tickets and we were both so excited! But of course I was here last night in the bed I've been in since the Saturday night before last so Susanna went for me with her bestie Ryan and took videos and bought a really nice but probably severely overpriced t-shirt and program. Also rocking the junior doctors strike sticker. With you all in spirit you amazing people! I've already met one junior doctor that has said that after this year she's going to go into financial consultancy instead. Such a shame! These people are fantastic and don't deserve to be treated so despicably!

About 5 hours later...

So went for an x-ray and then Laura from prosthetics came. I told her I really wanted to go to annual dinner and though she said it wasn't impossible, she said it was probably unlikely but we'll see. I'll be in a wheelchair for a little while but they'll try to get me up and moving about as soon as possible. I won't get a prosthetic for a little while and she said to wait a year and a half until the swelling had gone down before getting one of those proper fancy ones. May need to crowdfund for it though.

It just keeps going through my mind why me, why did this happen, what if?

I became very uncomfortable and had a bad episode where they've had to give me more drugs. I should be more settled tomorrow though as the first day after surgery is always very sore. But just got to keep positive and the amazingly strong and positive ladies in the ward with me and all the fantastic nurses, doctors, surgeons, porters, catering staff really make the experience a lot less distressing and far more comfortable. I can't thank them enough. And my grandparents, they're so funny but I love them so much.

Last night I posted on Facebook: "Hi again, thought I'd update you all on how my op went today. Unfortunately they had to abandon surgery as there was a lot less viable bone than previously thought and the best option for me to get back on to the hills and the things I love doing is amputation below the knee. If you've arranged to visit me please do still come as I'd really appreciate a friendly face. I'm just going to have to be the trendiest scrambling amputee with flashing lights on my leg J sorry if my post distresses anyone, I've known since day one that this has been on the cards but will be a swifter recovery so I'll be back in Manchester in Laura's new flat and will be able to enjoy my sickly sweet ciders all the sooner. Thank you all to your messages and kind words, they really put a smile on my face. And I'm still me, the awful jokes won't be amputated too, sorry ;) Love Emily J xxx "

I thought I'd post it because I'm not going to be ashamed of my leg and I don't want to hide i. I couldn't believe the love that all my friends gave. How many people wanted to visit and all the positive messages that people sent saying that I was inspiring; they really made me feel so much better and made me feel special and accepted. I don't feel inspiring exactly, I just still feel like me. I know I'm strong and brave – I've had to be unfortunately. I love all my friends so much. I'm ready for my sleep now though it's only 8. Have a good sleep everyone.