The Blurred Line

Day 20 - the day before the big day

So today is the day before the big day. I still can't believe it's happening to me – surely it's happening to someone else and I can just walk out of this bed? But I can't, I have no bones to walk on.

I had an odd dream because the alarm of a lady on the opposite side of room went off which sounded like my parents at home and I was convinced my mum was trying to get me up. It was quite a nice dream actually – for a couple of minutes I felt normal.

I just feel so odd today. I'm really nervous about what it will feel like waking up after surgery tomorrow. I'm not nervous about the surgery itself – I completely trust the surgeons. I have just never had to imagine what it would be like o wake up with a leg missing. They say I'll wake up and be able to still feel like there is a leg there but the epidural should help with that. I hate epidurals as well – they're so uncomfortable!

I had an odd dream because the alarm of a lady on the opposite side of room went off which sounded like my parents at home and I was convinced my mum was trying to get me up. It was quite a nice dream actually – for a couple of minutes I felt normal.

I had some messages from friends that completely overwhelmed me and brought tears to my eyes. All of the messages my friends and even people I don't know have really touched me. Cat Diamond sent a picture of her and her colleagues doing a duckface for me, mimicking my preop post on Facebook. I really really loved it! I think it should become a craze, like take a picture of a duckface and raise money for Mountain Rescue – maybe I will start something like that! Hmmmm.... Ideas!

Another friend, Tara, came yesterday and gave me some bracelets which said "badass", "XD" and "lmao" which I'll post a picture of. She then posted such a touching post on Facebook that really made me cry. Everyone's so kind!

But I just feel like me. Lots of messages say "badass" and "brave" and "inspiration" and I guess I must be but I like I said, I just feel like me. I can't do much else but look on the positive side, try not to wallow but also allow myself to cry when I need to. I do cry too, of course, and I don't shy away from that. I do confront things head on and am open about everything which has really been a positive as all my friends can then see I'm aright and send the support that at times I desperately need.

My mum is semi back at work today. She got me washed and dressed and was here when the surgeons did their rounds which was especially needed today. I needed a hug from my mum in the morning. However, she also has a duty of care to her year 11 students whose GCSEs are coming up soon. She didn't want to leave me but I said she had to go and Susanna had turned up by this point to look after me. I can't believe how grown up and glamourous she is. I'm so lucky to have such a beautiful, kind sister.

She brushed my hair gently but we got quite silly with the dry shampoo. My hair gets quite sweaty at night as I sleep on a rubber mattress with just a sheet and hospitals are always too hot. At one point, she said "Attack!" with her dry shamoo which made me chuckle and then I attacked her with a hug round the waste. She does look after me well. We then just sit contentedly with Susanna doing her work and me writing my blog. She did go on a mission to find some chewing gum for the lady next to me.

It's really easy to get institutionalised if you're in hopsital for a long time. My mum, right from the beginning, has been keen to keep me independent and it is really important that I feed myself, wash myself as much as I can and do as much as I can to keep myself independent. I've always tried to be quite independent though some mornings I really do depend on her just to hold my hand. For anyone going into hospital for a long time, I recommend to you to do as much as possible for yourself to keep yourself independent but don't feel embarrassed or shy to ask for help for the things you can't. I can't pick things up or wipe my own bottom but I can get most of the things out of my cupboard. .

Last night, I almost forgot to put my stocking, which prevents blood clots in my left leg, on. It was tied to the bottom of my bed. I managed to untie it with my left foot and then put it on. I'm really very grateful for all those ballet lessons now! It was a very little thing but felt like quite a big achievement.

I signed my consent form to have my leg amputated. What a weird thing to do that I never imagined I'd ever do. My signature is now on a piece of paper that allows the surgeons to remove my leg. I have visions of this poor leg being removed and then disposed of. Sorry that's really morbid! Mr Simmons came a little later on to explain everything again and he said that I would not have the same experience as last time – of waking up and nothing had changed – but would wake up and everything will have changed. There's no going back after tomorrow.

My old ballet teacher, Brenda Garrett Glassman, came to visit today and is one of the people that truly inspired me growing up. She was the first black ballerina in the Royal Ballet School and every Christmas we all look out for her as one of the tap dancers in the opening sequence of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I know I always say it was so lovely to see people who visit but it truly was so lovely to see her after all these years and reminisce about old times. She's known me since I was 3 and she bought me some lovely pillow spray which smells so nice, some lip balm and some minions haribo.

My parents and grandparents also came. It's really hard for my nan who is in the early stages of Alzheimer's disease though she's markedly better when she takes acetyl-choline. Every day she asks what's happening to my leg and every day I have to explain to her that it's going to be amputated. "But nobody told me. Do they really have to? Any leg is better than no leg at all!" Well no Nan, no leg is better than the useless leg I would have and, in any case, I'm going to have a leg; it just won't be flesh and bone.

Later on, a while after Brenda had left, Jack spent the rest of the evening with us doing the crossword and telling jokes. It was just relaxing being able to be completely honest with everybody around me without any awkwardness at all. Jack's really cute cat pictures also helped. We've decided we're going to go to Avenue Q.

Anyways, everything's pretty quiet now and I've ow just got to try to go to sleep before the big day. Once last uncomfortable night but also one last night with my toes – weird.