On a remote, desolate Scottish hillside, a climber lays trapped under a boulder. A simple decision to turn left rather than right has devastating consequences for the rest of her life. On her journey of recovery, she makes the most unbearably tough...
I got hit by a bus today. Technically not literally but one of the plastic surgeons, Sally, said that was how I'd feel today and boy did I feel like that. I had another transfusion last night and still might need another. I woke up with still puffy eyes which they think was due to some sort of allergy but I could barely open my eyes. My head ached and my back ached ad everything ached.
It wasn't long before I had another episode like last night. I'm really grateful to my mum who can communicate how much pain I'm in when I can't because I've curled up inside. Later on, we decided the sequence of pain goes "the furrow", "the whimper", "the sob" and then "the howl" and then after I got this weird thing where my face contorts to scream but just can't scream. I'm not really me when I'm in this state. I was saying that I couldn't do it and I wasn't strong enough but mum kept holding my hand and saying that I can. Well I'm a lot better now so I guess she was right. The anaesthetist increased the dose but settled me but was still painful and the pain specialists prescribed oral ketamine – not again! They also reassured me there was a lot more options if it didn't work.
The oral ketamine tastes worse than oral morphine which is probably a good thing – you wouldn't really want such an awful drug tasting like juice. It kicked in relatively quickly but the pain was still just as painful. The ketamine just makes you feel dissociated from the bit of your body in pain so I wasn't in the same state as before. I was in an entirely different state. I was trying to tell my mum that I was in still in pain but that they had told me I wouldn't be in pain but I was saying it... I was singing it! Or at least sort of singing it. To communicate that it was a shooting pain I was opening and closing my hand like a star and saying "shoom, shoom!"
The lady over the way is a bit of a difficult patient. We other patients have a bit of a giggle every time she catches someone for a half hour argument – she's broken her neck and wants her collar off but she risks being paralysed if she does. She thinks it's a scarf she's put on herself but thankfully can't get it off. It must be so uncomfortable, the poor love! And the poor nurses are trying their best but there's only so much they can so. Unfortunately, while I'm on ketamine, this is a great source of hilarity to me.
Thankfully they have increased my epidural dose to the maximum it can be and now I am much more comfortable but still have to take the oral ketamine. Mum and Susanna then washed the pretty much paralysed by exhaustion Emily – the lucky devils.
Mum went down for some drinks from down stairs when I was feeling a lot better and brought up with her a lovely surprise – my dad and lovely friend Solveig! She even brought me a CD player and CD to listen to and the book of Owl Babies!
A huge shout out to all the lovely people in my adult ballet class at home who have been so supportive and the Manchester Dance Society both who I have danced with for many years. I'll mention this is Day 21 as well but the dance society are donating half of the proceeds from their show on Sunday to Mountain Rescue Torridon and Kinlochewe which is absolutely fantastic and I can't thank them enough!
Solveig left after a little while when a doctor wanted to take rather a lot of blood from my groin. It looked like a giant mosquito but didn't hurt at all because of the epidural. My mum, sister and I settled down to watch Pointless. We got some of the favourite authours questions and of course all of the Disney questions.
The lady over the way got her collar off! Anarchy on the ward!
My mum's so amazing with the lady over the way who is very confused. She just says in her "teacher voice" that she understands and that she has had an accident. She says over and over again that she's broken her arms and her neck but she's managed to get through to her to get her to take her pills and convince her that she needs to keep her collar on. She is telling my mum all about her life in Kenya and her two boys. She's calmed down so much. Mum has also written a note down saying that she has had an accident and has broken her neck and wrists. If I believed in angels, I would say she is heaven sent. She is so kind and empathetic and cracks people open like a nutcracker to a walnut – but a gentle nutcracker not like me using a nutcracker!
Susanna is upset that I have managed to control my oral ketamine trips. She wanted to video me, the mean lady.
Sally just dropped by to see how I was and to say that she hadn't forgotten about our letters to Susanna's and my universities for mitigating circumstances – she's so so lovely! And she said I looked a lot better than this morning.
Mum read us owl babies before they left. We all said "I want my mummy said Bill" together. As I write to you, I am pretty sure I am sinking in my pressure mattress – it's a bit temperamental and deflates every now and again.
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