The Blurred Line

Day 22- the day after the operation

So I am now amputee – the deed is done. But to be honest, my bum is so sore that I hardly notice. I think it didn't move all day in surgery which went on a long time. I almost have bed sores and they are absolutely killing me.

I'm giving myself a day to be sad and to grieve. It's only when I look at it that I truly remember that the lower half of my leg is gone. I'm not going to lie and say that I am positive today. I think it's completely, and my mum says it's completely normal, to be upset today. I can still feel a big toe that isn't there anymore. I'll be completely okay tomorrow but I feel weak and tired today.

Thankfully I have my hero – my mum. She's a ray of sunshine in the morning which I look forward to seeing all night when I can't sleep when I'm so sore. I want my mummy said Bill. She and a lovely HCA, Annum (I hope I've spelt her name right), washed me like I was a princess who couldn't lift a finger. I felt so pathetic and helpless but Annum called me humble and a diva which made me cry again.

Chatting with V (I don't think it would be right for me to give the real name of a patient online) always makes me feel better too. It was a close call last night when they almost put me in a dreaded side room! I said that I wanted to stay in my bay with the window and they couldn't separate me from V! Most people would kill for a side room and they were thinking that I would need privacy after everything but the side room makes me feel so lonely and they can't separate me from V! The happy look on V's face when I came back so late from surgery was really lovely!

I finally managed to open the present that had been left on the door step of our house by our lovely neighbours, Maureen and Frank – a really lovely bag, which is actually something I was looking for, and a lovely toy lamb and a chocolate bunny, which has lost its integrity in the very bright sunshine and I think mum will have to refreeze in the sunshine. Tim also sent Blood hound Gang, "Bad Touch", which he got me and Laura absolutely obsessed about for a good two weeks at least, and a DVD of Pollyanna which I look forward to watching when I'm a bit more with it. Mum says I'll really like it and that he knows me so well.

I also got a couple of cards sent to my ward from some of my lovely fellow ballet dancers which was fantastic! Jill and Solveig, thank you so much! All you love and support is really keeping me going and I can't thank each and every one of you enough in this stressful time J

Susanna tried to feed me sticky toffee pudding – it was an experience. The sticky toffee pudding was actually really lovely with vanilla ice cream too but the portions started off a bit big but they were given lovingly.

The lovely Louise is looking after us today and Ayisha came to see us too – I've been looking forward to seeing her all weekend. I've also been seen by the pain specialists and the wonderful Nina, Lydia and Rebecca, the occupational therapist and physiotherapists (I hope I have got this right). They gave me exercises to do to strengthen my muscles and promised I'd be in a wheelchair which made me cry because I was so happy!

Mr Lawton came around in the morning and then Mr Simmons and Sally came around later. So busy morning. Mr Simmons seemed so enthusiastic about everything – it was sure a pleasure to see him! He said that during the operation they had realised that the very bottom of the fibula was well supplied with blood so could be used and plated to the end of the 6cm of good bone at the bottom of the knee. The two bits of bone are plated together and hopefully will fuse and I'll have a good 11cm underneath my knee which is a good length to have a prosthetic fitted. They used skin from my heel and sole so I didn't need a skin graft. Mr Simmons reckoned it would look like a Cornish pasty but the iodine bandage kind of gives it a streaky bacon or gammon appearance – sorry that's pretty gory I know!

My mum spent a great deal of time in the afternoon massaging my bottom – sorry for the details but I think it's important that if anyone experiences bed sores, massaging the site is a great idea. She spent a long time trying to disperse the build-up of fluid from

I had a bad episode at six O'clock. I experienced extreme pain which started in the right side of my stump. I always have a feeling of a stubbed toe at the bottom and a graze below my knee but this was unbearable. It was like pins and needles and just an unbearable amount of pain. Rather than screaming which would let people know how much pain I really am in, I tend to curl up inside myself and concentrate on the pain, trying to keep the rest of my body calm. I cry, especially when I have to talk and only occasionally last night did we hear "the howl" because I was so conscious of the people around me whom I loved. My mum has a new phrase – "the furrow" – which is when my eyebrows crease when I'm in pain.

My nan kept saying that I was going to sleep which just made me more distressed – of course I wasn't going to sleep. Unfortunately, my wonderful godmother (my second mum really), Helen, had come just as it all started and just held my hand. I felt so sorry especially since the pain went on for over an hour and a half. You feel forgotten about but you have to remember that the NHS is very pressured – grin and bear it and they'll come to you, I promise!

The anaesthetist came around and increased the dose of my epidural which helped my pain a lot but still didn't get rid of it entirely. The whole episode pretty much knocked me out and I was exhausted with very puffy eyes.

I still managed to reply to all the messages I'd received – I managed to do it but I was very exhausted and could barely see! And then I went to sleep though I did have to have another transfusion in the night.