The Blurred Line

Day 25 - all the visitors!

Ketamine makes you feel very weird. It's a trauma taking it because the liquid is absolutely disguting! I always feel very spaced out on ket and I get distracted so easy. I'll be in the middle of a conversation and then see my sister's earring and, like magpie, my eyes widen and I just want to play with it. Watch out Susanna, your earrings might go walkies to Manchester! I've also lost so much weight that so might your clothes!

The epidural acts as a nerve block and means that I don't feel pain in the leg but in the night it leaked which caused a bit of panic. I thought I just had a bit of a sore on my back but the wonderful Alma noticed the leak which probably was something continued from transferring to the wheelchair. Luckily they've decided to take out the epidural tomorrow and not today because that would have been interesting with so many visitors coming!

The anaesthetist came in the night to check it and also the sister to put a new cannula in. Earlier, when we'd looked at the old one, it had just fallen out! Something that genuinely surprised me! Then, the antiobiotics had to be hooked up and then taken up. Everyone apologises for waking me up but I tend to wake up, sleep while they poke and prod me, wake up to say thank you and then fall back to sleep really quickly. I don't mind being woken up as I sleep so easily.

The morning pretty much went like until mum wanted to change my sheets. The only thing that happened was that I was asked if somebody else could use my wheelchair. Apparently they had asked before and I had said yes but I don't remember this. I said no, I'm sorry to say. I felt like I should help but I'm quite protective of my wheelchair. If you don't have another means of getting around, you become quite dependent on something like a wheelchair to give you hope. I really would be so upset if it got lost and, in any case, I wanted to transfer into it after my wash anyway which was about to be set up.

After being washed, mum thought I could transfer into the wheelchair and just something instinctual in me felt like it didn't want to use the banana slide which is quite awkward as there isn't much space. The instinctual part wanted to get up on the one foot I had. I'm sure all physios scream and would say that I don't know my limits and that it was too early but it felt good to stand and I actually felt very balanced – with a little support from the bed and my mum standing, half astonished half bricking it, in front of me so that I didn't fall over. All those years of training and late nights and so much money were not wasted in that singular moment when I could feel my balance.

My mum says that I've got to remember that my leg is like eggshells. I might move my leg and stand on my left but what nobody sees inside is that for 25 days now my leg has been made out of eggshells in my mind. Getting out of the mind-set that I can move my leg, even my knee for exercises, without excruciating pain has been an odd sensation and not one I'm likely to forget soon. I'm not saying it's something I won' forget. I'm very conscious that I might and it's the most important thing that I don't. When the physio came later on when I transferred for my friends, he told me not to stand up but it was so much more awkward and I almost fell into the chair! I'll mini experiment tomorrow with mum but surely it's better to transfer the way that I'm better balanced?

I prettied myself up for my dad coming to see me and got into the wheelchair. I think he was quite upset not to see my "first steps" in the wheelchair yesterday. He brought goodies from home. A very snazzy box full of tooth-rotting but delicious sweeties from a dentist no less. There was also a book which was actually not tooth-rotting as I don't intend to eat it... I don't think at least. Thanks Charlotte! He also bought a package which had some very funky pens and a Harry Potter colouring book, which has given me lots of entertainment this evening, from Haleema. I also received some lovely cards from Sonje and Anise and Greg and my uncle Kev. Thank you all, it's so lovely of you!

I was supposed to go to the wedding reception of my wonderful friend Lizzie. It was going to be the first wedding (ok reception) I've been to or at least remember. Me and my friend Laura (another one!) were so excited about going but she's promised to have a boogie on the dance floor for me. Charlotte has been sending me pictures too and Lizzie and Ben, you look just so beautiful! Congratulations! I hope you had a wonderful day and I'm sending you all my love!

JT, who happens to be Chuck Norris reincarnated which is astonishing when you consider he's not dead, came to see me first today. I have a couple of JT Chuck Norris memes which she has heard far too often but I think you'll like. Firstly, when JT says scramble, she doesn't mean eggs. JT is not lost on the mountain, the mountain is simply in the wrong place (thanks Laura ;) ). Finally, JT doesn't get snowed under, she gets Snowdon. Ok so that last one is properly better said out loud but seriously she's a proper legend! On the same day of my accident, JT broke her wrist whilst snowboarding and has since run a marathon with the cast on!

Colin and Dave, who I was supposed to meet in the seafood restaurant but I was unavoidably tied up (or more appropriately down) in A and E, visited a little while later. Dave knows me very well as he brought a whole array of goodies including rose hand cream (my favourite scent) and chocolate and some nice pea crackers things among other goodies. JT had made scones and Dave had brought tea cakes so we had a very British tea party (without tea). Colin brought his lovely puffy jacket to hug and pork scratchings which I think I am still decided on. I think they're probably a bit rich for me.

It was just so nice to be reunited! It always is with all my visitors but Colin and Dave were there. Colin said he actually drove past the road diversion set up for me – I caused a bit of chaos as per usual – bought thought nothing of it. He say the ambulance and the helicopter but it didn't run through his mind that it was any of us except in the seafood restaurant. Tom rang him there to say: "Emily's okay but..."

I also had a fleeting visit from Matt, which is always a pleasure, who was passing through Paddington anyway and thought it would be rude to not pop by.

There were so many wonderful visitors today and the last two to turn up were Caitlin and Tikhoze. Caitlin wanted a special mention in the blog because Tikhoze is already famous in the blog. I can't refuse the lady who has agreed to be my wife if we're still unmarried at 45. We've decided to become creepy ladies who push their many cats around in pushchairs and when we're too old to push cats around we'll push really creepy lifelike dolls around. We'll also have a house the children run past because they're scared. This bizarre (and probably ket fuelled) idea came from Tikhoze asking how women could go through childbirth. I replied that I wasn't sure they had much of a choice at that point and then one thing led to another and now me and Caitlin are engaged.

Whilst preparing to use a bed pan tonight, Aurora told me a very funny story about meeting an employee of Easy Jet whilst checking into the flight. The man recognised her and asked where from – did she work in a restaurant? Aurora replied, "I've seen you're bum!" The poor man had been a patient here and quickly checked in everything not just the one item rule! She then congratulated me on giving birth, how kind of her!

I promised you I'd write Day 7 but I'm so drugged up on ket that I get distracted and it's now midnight so I think I might leave it for a few days when I have a bit more concentration.