You wake up to Colby pressed up against your side, shaking and holding onto your arm so tightly that his knuckles are white.
You know what this means. He's having another nightmare, and a bad one from the looks of it.
He gets the worst panic attacks after he wakes up from his nightmares and you wish you could make them stop. It's heartbreaking to see him wake up and start freaking out while not knowing how to make him feel better.
He twitches and grips your arm tighter. You feel so bad that he has to go through this.
You check the clock on the table beside the bed. It reads 4:27 am. The last time he had a nightmare was two weeks ago, at 2:00 am. Lately, he's been getting a lot of these nightmares. He looks more tired and drained than he ever has.
He makes a slight whimper noise and all of a sudden jolts awake. He's breathing hard and he looks so scared.
He looks around for a second before turning to you.
He always seems embarrassed by the fact that he gets nightmares and has panic attacks. He sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed. He puts his face in his hands and shakes his head.
You can hear how fast his breathing is and you hope he can calm down before he gets another panic attack.
You move and sit next to him on the edge of the bed but he gets up and goes into the bathroom. He shuts the door and you wonder what's going on.
You give him a couple seconds while you listen to see if you can tell what's happening with him before you get up as well. You go to the closed door and knock lightly.
"Colby?"
No response.
"You okay?"
Still nothing. You press your ear against the door and listen again. You can faintly hear his breathing but nothing else.
You very slightly crack open the door and he pushes it shut again. He's sitting with his back against the door.
"Colby, it's just me. Can I come in?"
You try again and he moves so you can come in.
He sits back against the door, his head still in his hands. You listen for a minute and pick up the very quiet sound of him crying.
You crouch down in front of him and gently put your hand on his shoulder. He flinches and tries to push himself farther into the corner.
Your voice is barely a whisper as you start to talk him down.
"Baby, it's okay. It's just me. I won't hurt you."
He relaxes a little bit at this and you calmly sit next to him and lean against the door.
This time, he lets you touch him without flinching as hard as before. You start to rub his back slowly and comfortingly. He's still shaking and the onset of a minor panic attack is not helping in that aspect.
For about five minutes, you sit and don't say a word as you rub his back. The sound of him crying hurts your heart and you just wish you could be the one going through this and not him.
He leans his head against the wall and rubs his eyes.
Poor baby, you think to yourself, wondering what's been setting him off so much lately. He's been drained and tired and very quiet for the past two weeks. You don't want to be pushy or make him feel bad about anything but you have to admit that you're curious.
"Why does this have to happen to me?"
He sniffles and rubs his forehead before propping his arm up on his knee.
"Aww Colby, come here baby."
He moves and lays his head on your shoulder. He wants to hold your hand so you let him.
You put your arm around the back of his neck and gently rub your hand on his cheek, which is still wet with tears. He cuddles up against you and starts to cry a little bit again.
"I feel like a fucking kid. This is so stupid, I shouldn't be crying..."
"It's not stupid. It's okay to cry. You're going through a lot right now and I couldn't imagine what it must be like."
He squeezes his eyes shut, hoping for all the nightmares to stop and for everything to just stop. His mind is racing and he feels jittery and just scared. He makes a slight whimpering noise because he's still breathing so fast.
"Hey, shhhh... it's okay Colby. You're alright."
He squishes closer to you and you search for something to say to him, anything that could help.
"I just want it to go away. Why won't it ever stop?"
"Why won't what stop?"
"The panic attacks and the nightmares and stress and the pain. Why can't it just stop?"
As he says this, you realize that there might be something bigger at hand.
"Colby. Is there something bothering you?"
"I... haven't told you anything about it but lately I've been trying so hard to keep you loving me but you don't seem to notice. I've been so busy with stuff for YouTube and everything that I've hardly had time to sleep or hang out with you and I'm trying so hard to keep it all together, I really am, but stuff keeps getting in the way and my anxiety is coming back and..."
You kiss his head.
"You think I'm getting tired of you?"
He nods ever so slightly.
"It might not seem like I notice all the little things you do but they never fail to make me happy. I don't think in a million years I could ever get tired of being with you. You're my best friend, my person, and nothing could ever change that."
He stays quiet.
"I've noticed that you've been really stressed and tired lately and that you've been getting headaches and panic attacks and nightmares way more often. I think you just need to take a break for a while to clear your head and so you can rest and reset. You do so much for your fans and for me but you never watch out for yourself."
He sits back against the wall and rubs his forehead.
"Maybe you're...right. I take on way too much at once and I guess I haven't been watching but I'm definitely past my breaking point."
You nod.
"How about we go back to bed and talk about it there?"
You take his hand and both of you get up. You lead him to the bedroom and lay down. He lays next to you, with his head on your chest and he cuddles up against you. You put your arm around his neck and play with his hair.
He's still a bit shaky but not as badly as before. He talks about a lot of things before he finally falls asleep, about an hour and a half later.
Having some of that off his chest must feel a lot better, you think to yourself as you play with his hair until you too find yourself falling asleep.
this lowkey pretty cute
anyway
why are crushes so painful? like that shit HURTED
i always fall for people who will never like me back or are out of my league and it's so sad because i know how it ends, i tell myself every damn time that it won't work and that i can't get attached but part of me still allows it. this has happened way too many times to be considered a beginner's mistake but something still makes me get attached no matter how much i don't want to.
on a slightly better note, im going to be making that tea time/advice book thing soon because i need something else to occupy my time
luh u guys
gracie xx
