Love Can Be Confusing

Nightmares

"Dad no! Dad please don't do this! I'm sorry please!"
The echoes in my ears going from right to left hurt my ears, my dad throws a punch, I sit up waking from my nightmare. My body covered in sweat, Jax sits up looking at me, sobs break in my chest. I feel the depression get me again and this time I don't know if I'll be able to get away.
"Do you need a glass of water?"
I nod, trying to catch my breath, the light and dark mix, weaving into each other in and out in a huge haze. I can hear us screaming at each other still, I get up and start the stereo.
Jax walks in looking at me like I'm mental as I hold my ears sitting on the floor with my legs crossed rocking.
"Stop, stop!!!!"
Jax runs to me,
"Stop what? hats going on?!"
"I c-can hear me and my dad yelling, fighting, it's so loud! I cant stop it!"
Jax picks me up running down the stairs quickly, I feel coldness surround my body and the voices stop completely.
Our bodies rise up for air, my body still in Jax arms, I look at him.
"You give me a quiet mind."
I whisper out feeling weak against his body, that meaning, the song from Blue October plays in my head.
'You give me a quiet mind and I, I love you, until the end' I sing it in my head, Jax smirks at me.
"Until the end."
He says making my heart drop, his lips kiss my cheek gently, reality hits me and I remember this asshole has a girlfriend.
"So where is your girlfriend these days?"
"Busy in college."
I push away from him,
"So I'm like a flavor of the week till she comes back?!"
He stutters as I walk out of the pool and back inside, putting on dry clothes quickly I run outside.
I run even hearing Jax calling out my name, I'm not ready for this! I'm not ready to feel this kind of hurt. I run to the only place I know they wont think to find me
HOME
My legs slow down as I reach my house, caution tape still crossed the front door. My fingers rip it away in anger, my hand shaking as I open the door.
The lights hurt my eyes as I flip the switch, the hardwood floor creaks under my feet, the house is cold, colder than ever. The stench of rotting food fills my nose, my dads door left wide open.
I go in and grab one of his t-shirts and breath in his cologne, is it fucked up that I miss him? I sigh as I walk in the closet finding all of my baby pictures scattered on the floor. I take some of them stuffing them in my pockets.
"Ahmina!"
My heart falls out of my body from the scare, his hand taps my shoulder, Ty...
"Ty."
I turn around his eyes filled with worry, my legs fall weak at the sight of him. His strong arms catch me.
"What are you doing here?" I ask quickly,
"Jax called everyone told us that you ran away, they all went looking for you at the beach thinking you were going to drown yourself, I knew you'd be here."
Tears streaming down my face, his thumb wiping them away,
"Hey, I'm here."
"You wont always be, no one ever stays. I always end up alone."
"I wont abandon you. Let's go."
"No, I don't want to go back to Jax house."
"Come to mine then?"
I nod following him to his truck, I listen as he calls the guys letting them know I'm okay. He hangs up the phone,
"Danny seems a little upset that your coming home with me."
"He likes me, I don't like him."
"Who Do you like?"
"You and Jax.... but I'm not ready for all of that happiness and drama yet.... I just need friends for once."
"Okay, I understand."
"Ty what am I supposed to do? I don't have a home anymore..."
We walk up to his room and he looks at me
"Home is where the heart is."
"I'm afraid my heart is dead."
He chuckles and unbuttons one button and slides his hand on my chest.
"No, no I'm pretty sure its alive."
He slide his hand out,
"Do you wanna sleep alone or with me?"
"I definitely don't want to be alone."
He nods, I watch as he makes a bed on the floor, he pulls off his shirt then takes his pants off. Oh good lord he is hot! I avert my eyes and lay in his bed,
"This is very gentlemanly of you Thank you."
"Where did Jax have you sleeping?"
He asks as I lay on my stomach on the edge of the bed as I look into his beautiful light brown eyes.
"In his bed...."
"Oh, did uh-"
"No, nothing happened. I'm not ready for any of that, I'm an innocent."
"Keep it for as long as possible. I regret my first, I wish I could have lost it to someone that mattered."
"She didn't matter or the sex?"
"Both I guess."
"You are just a wide open book huh?"
"I don't have anything to hide honestly, you could ask me anything and I'd tell the truth."
"Do you want to have sex with me?"
"When and if your ready too."
"How long have you liked me?"
"About a year and a half."
"What made you like me?"
"I saw you at a Blue October concert, you sang every song with so much passion.... You looked so beautiful singing to Quiet mind and Chameleon Boy. I could feel a little part of what you were feeling. I watched you the whole concert, everyone was recording or on their phone but you, you were on the moment, the whole time. It beautiful... you were, are beautiful."
"I don't know if that was the most cutest, most sweetest thing I've ever heard or the creepiest."
We both laugh,
"I like you Ty.... like a lot. I've been crushing on you for a while now. I saw you at that concert too, I had this fantasy in my head that you'd stand my by side and just hold my hand as they played."
"I wish I had the balls to have done that."
"Me too, we could have already been a couple and I could have lived here or somewhere else while my dad got help and everything would have been okay."
"I'm sorry for hurting you."
"You never hurt me really, you just watched."
"But I didn't do anything to stop it either, I'm just as bad."
"You aren't bad, your just a pussy."
"Because I wasn't man enough to state that I liked you huh?"
"Exactomundo."
He looks Into my hazel eyes,
"I want to kiss you."
My heart starts to race,
"Then come kiss me."
I whisper, he stalks towards me on the bed, my back on the bed, my heart racing so fast.
His lip hover close to mine, they touch lightly for a second, I wrap my arms around his neck deepening the our kiss. Our lips linger there till he pulls away, my body aches for his lips again.
"That was the best kiss I've ever had in my life."
I pull his face to mine feeling sparks and heat shoot throughout my entire body. I whimper from the amazing feeling,
"I'd like to do that more often." I whisper out, he smiles,
"Good I'm not the only one." He smile at each other,
"I'm gonna go back down to the floor now. We should get some sleep for school tomorrow."
"Thank god it'll be Friday, I'm still exhausted."
He lays on the floor making me giggle.
"You don't have to sleep down there. I know your a good guy."
"I don't know if i can be a good guy sleeping next to you."
I nod,
"Okay, good night Ty."
"Goodnight Ahmina."
Goodnight mom and dad.
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"Hey, its time to get ready."
I groan as I sit up,
"I don't have any clothes."
"Wait here."
I do as he says and get up looking in the mirror, my bruises still intact making me looks like a monster.
He comes back with a beautiful white lace summer dress.
"Who's dress is that?"
"My sisters, she is in Germany for college."
"She wont mind?"
"Not at all."
I go shower and put the dress on, when I come out Ty's face lights up.
"You look beautiful."
"Um, my bruises... does your sister have make up?"
"Uh yeah, come."
I follow him to her room and start to apply the makeup quickly, on my face, neck, arms, legs....
I finish and meet him downstairs,
"You really are the Phantom huh?"
I giggle as he looks at my applied makeup, he takes my hand dragging me outside to his truck. We take off to school where all the guys are there waiting for us. I look at Ty feeling nervous,
"Hey, don't worry, I'm here."
I nod we get out an walk to to the guy's, they all hug me making people whisper all around me.
"Yall are making a scene guy's."
They all look around,
"Hey, mind yall's fucking business!"
Danny yells out causing people to walk to class already, Danny laughs knowing the horror he brings into peoples bodies.
Ty wraps his arm around my waist, I watch as Jax and Danny look at us, Jax's jaw clenches, Danny's fist do the same. I look up at Ty and he nods slightly letting go of me,
"Let's go to class guys."
"You know what, fuck you Ty!"
I jump as the sound of Danny's voice, he sees me jump and closes his eyes.
"Fuck, I'm sorry Ahmina."
"I-its okay."
"Ty your a fucking asshole!"
Jax yells out pushing Ty, what the fuck is going on?!
"Guys, what's the drama?!"
I yell out feeling frustrated,
"Ty, Ty is the problem. He swore up and down that he didn't like you, he fucking lied! He always made fun of us for liking you before all this even happened but now we know why! He was waiting till the perfect moment to finally man up to how he felt so we wouldn't know and whisk you away! Ty isn't the nice guy you think he is Ahmina!"
Danny yells out,
"Yeah, you thought I was the pack leader the one that always fucked with you but it was him that made us do it or had the ideas! He is the reason we all bullied you! He is the one that played us like puppets and made us do the bad shit!"
I look up at Ty with tears in my eyes,
"Is that true?"
He sighs,
"Yes, it's all true.... I told you I wasn't a nice guy, I told you I was a pussy for never sticking up for you but, that's because I was the one responsible.... I'm sorry Ahmina. I really do like you, a lot...."
I wave my hand in the air,
"I cant deal with this."
I walk away quickly only to be pulled back by Ty,
"I promised I'd never leave you, wont you do the same?"
My body melts as his thumbs gently grace my lips, I almost fall weak but I close my eyes.
"I cant do this drama right now Ty, my dad just killed himself!" I walk away heading straight to the bathroom, tears slide down my cheek.
"Fucking men."
What the hell is up with these guys?! Danny has rage, Jax has a Girlfriend and Ty was the ring leader, Eric and Quinn have girlfriends. They are all crushing on me or have been, I don't know what to do, I feel so lost. I wish my mom was here to help guide me on what the hell I am supposed to do.
I like Jax, I really like Ty and I kind of feel tempted to get to know Danny more.
I feel my arm get yanked and I fall into someone in a dark hall closet, I look for the string and pull it quickly. My heart speeds up when my eyes adjust seeing Ty, I back away feeling weird and scared but also heated and lustful.
"Please Ahmina, don't be scared of me."
"You do remember that one time yall threw rocks at my back really hard and one hit my head making me bleed? Yall just ran off, didn't even check on me...."
"It was- it was stupid i-"
"You didn't throw one stone and you looked in pain watching but you were amused by it, you told them to do it.... Didn't you?"
"That was in 7th grade. We were meaner then."
"Were you? I mean I could handle the physical assault but its more the mental one that I couldn't handle, it ripped me apart...."
He grabs my hand gently, I look up at him feeling weak,
"Ahmina, please just get to know me, the real me, if you still don't trust me I'll stop trying....."
"Promise?"
He nods placing his hand on my cheek,
"I need to go to class."
I walk out of the hall closet running to class, my mind crashes as I remember that fucking Jax is in this class and I sit behind him. I sigh walking in as the class fills in the empty chairs, Jax walks down the row. He sits not looking at me, he is mad at me?
"Get with your partners, Ahmina i took what you said into consideration and my decision is final. Sorry."
I sink into my chair as Jax turns around looking at me, he gets up talking my hand pulling me up. Jax takes me to the back of the class room into the club house where we aren't supposed to be.
"Did you put in a request for a different partner?"
"Y-yeah, but it was before everything..."
He backs me up against a wall, he is so sexy, my body heats up quickly for him.
"I want you, in every way...."
"You have a girlfriend Jax... it wouldn't be right."
"I'll leave her... right now. I'll call her and tell her it's over. Please Ahmina.... I cant do another day where you aren't mine."
"I cant be anyone's Jax, I'm cursed, everyone that loves or cares for me kills themselves... All of yall deserve someone better.... A blessing."
He crashes his lips on mine making my legs fall weak again for him,
"Please Ahmina.... be mine."
"I-i don't know what I want yet Jax, it would be selfish of me to have you leave your girlfriend when I don't know what or who I want...."
"But you do want me, even if you don't know who you want fully.... you do want me?"
I want his lips on mine again, I don't want to talk.... I crash my lips on his roughly devouring every feeling. He bites my lip as I pull away slowly.
"Yes Jax, I do."
He chuckles and nods,
"That's good enough for me.... You wont give me a real chance if I'm in a relationship. I know that so I already ended it."
"Why did you do that?"
"For you, Chula."
"You make this really difficult, for me to be good."
"Be whatever you want to be, Chula."
He walks away when the bell rings, my core tingling for more.
I walk out to my next class feeling hot and frustrated, I need more, I see Danny in the hall and grab his hand.
"Where are we going?"
I ignore his question as we go into a hall closet,
"Ahmina what's going on?"
"I need you to kiss me."
"W-what?"
"Just do it!"
"Don't yell at me!"
"Just hurry up already! You said you like me, what the hell is the hold up here?!"
Before I know it I'm pinned against the wall, my feet of the ground, Danny's lips make contact with mine and I'm hooked!
"Holy fuck, your really good at kissing."
He whispers out, I nod and pull his face to mine, my back on the floor now as he gets between my legs.
"Wait, wait... slow down Danny."
He nods kissing me slowly before stopping completely.
"Wait, I thought you didn't like me..."
"I never said that.... I just was nervous I guess..."
"Don't be nervous babygirl."
"I should get to class."
He pulls me to my feet, the into a tight hug,
"I'll go out first, then you."
I run out and around the corner leaving him behind.
I have Ty next class, he sits far away from me thank god but we also don't have assigned seating. I enter the class and see all the desks are full except the one next to Ty, I sigh as he waves me over.
Unwillingly I sit next to him, his hand on my thigh as the lights go off.
"Okay class, we have a documentary to watch on addiction."
I move Ty's hand as we all scoot closer to the screen on the wall, Ty gets a chair and sits right next to me.
"Please forgive me."
I shake my head,
"I don't know if I can Ty."
He puts his arm around my waist and grips my hip roughly, I wince at the pain.
"You know you want me."
"Don't grab me like that." He looks into my eyes seeing the fear in me and smirks. His whole good guy act last night was all bullshit!
"Okay." He let's go of me.
"Sir can I go to the restroom?"
My teacher nods and I storm out, I'm not going back in there! How dare he grab me like that after knowing how my dad was abusive! Tears streaming down my face, i bump into Eric and try to clean my face but I fail.
"Hey, hey what's wrong?"
"Ty, he, he grabbed me aggressively and I got uncomfortable."
"Are you fucking serious?!"
I nod and he sighs,
"Okay, I'm going to see if you can just stay with Cristina from now on. You need to be away from all of the guys."
I nod as he hugs me,
"I gotta get to class, here take my car and meet me at my house. You know where it is right?"
I nod wiping away tears,
"I'll be there after class with Cristina."
He walks away, I run fast to Eric's car and sit in it letting sobs escape me. I jump as I hear knocks on the window.
"Danny... fuck."
I slide the window down,
"Hey, what's wrong?"
"Ty, he was aggressive with me in class. I didn't like it."
"Why are you in Eric's car?"
"He told me to go to his house and he will meet me there with Cristina, to see if I could stay with her."
"You can stay with me, I swear I wont touch you or pressure you, you'll have your own room and my mom would love to have a girl in the house. It's always just been us."
"Are you sure she wont mind?"
He smirks,
"No, I promise. Come on to my place, she's home now."
I put the keys in the cupholder and follow him to his jeep, he drives off to his house.
"My moms name is Faith."
I nod as we pull up to his big house, we walk in hearing music playing through the house.
"Mom?"
"In the kitchen sweetheart!"
Danny nudges me to walk with him and I fall eyes on a beautiful woman, she smiles at me and Danny.
"Is this your girlfriend?"
"No, mom this is my friend, um she is kind of homeless and needs a place to stay. I was wondering if she could stay here?"
"Hmmm are you a good girl......" she asks searching for my name,
"Ahmina, and yes ma'am I am."
"I'm Faith, Hmmm it would be nice to have a girl in the house. Where are your parents?"
A tear picks my eyes and she notices, she walks around to me taking both my hands.
"Honey, did I say something wrong?"
Danny looks at his mom for I cannot get the words out.
"Mom, um, they are.... they passed away."
Her face changes as she looks at me and pulls me into a hug,
"Oh my god sweet girl.... shhhh, it's okay. You can stay here for as long as you like."
I hug her back feel oddly comfortable with her, she pulls away wiping my tears away.
"Danny, show her, her new room and show her around the house."
He nods and takes my hand for me to follow him,
"Oh sweet girl, do you have a lot of clothes?"
"I don't have any...."
"Okay, let me know your size for everything and I'll have my personal shopper get you clothes."
I nod and follow Danny up stairs, he opens the door, my eyes widen to a huge room. It looks very Victorian and dark, I love it!
"I hope it's not too old looking, all the rooms look like this."
"Its beautiful."
He chuckles,
"Okay now to tour the house."
I follow him around the house, we go to the relaxing room, it's cold and dark, a TV, stereo system, books.... Its amazing.
"I think I'll be spending a lot of my time in here."
He chuckles,
"Its one of my favorite places." He says looking at it, he is a gentle soul huh? Makes me wonder why he hung around with the bullies. Oh yeah, his temper.
"Dinner is ready!"
Music blast playing Sit next to me by foster the people, we go down to the kitchen finding Faith dancing. She hands me a glass of wine and spins me around, the music fills me and we dance together. I feel free here, weightless, hopeful. Faith pulls me into a hug and looks into my eyes,
"You'll be safe here."
I nod and we eat, we laugh, we smile, have fun, joke around, Danny throws food at me. Causing me to throw something back, his mom just smiles as Danny chases me around the kitchen. His arm snakes around my waist picking me up, my back to his chest.
"I got you now!"
He tickles me then lets me go,
"Alright kids, I'm going to go lay down, I have a lot of paperwork to do. Ahmina, help yourself to anything in the house."
I nod, she leaves to go upstairs to her room, Danny and I look at each other.
"What should we do now?"
I ask feeling nervous, he smirks
"You like video games?"
I shrug,
"I used to play racing games."
She smiles,
"Let's see if your any good." He runs upstairs to his room and I follow, we start playing Need For Speed.
"Your going to get your ass whooped boy."
"Pshhh whatever girl!"
The race starts and god lord do I suck!
"I thought I was going to get an ass whooping. Looks like I massacred your ass!"
I punch his shoulder making me laugh, he looks at me getting serious.
"So can we talk about the hall closet for a second...." I shrug looking at the controller in my hands.
"Why did you want me to do that?"
"Um, I- I wanted to feel more.... I was frustrated in a weird way."
"Sexually?"
I bite my lip and nod feeling it again.
"You can like make yourself feel good... you can masterbate...."
"I don't know how."
He chuckles and takes my phone and starts to type, then hands me my phone back.
"Go to your room and watch this, then look for a video that makes you feel good down there."
I look at him then run out of the room, I lay on the bed and press play, I watch as a girl plays with herself and sneak my hand down to my core. An explosion of pleasure fills me, oh okay.... that... feels so good... I click on the next video of a guy and a girl having sex and the pleasure heats up my body 10× more! I hear music play louder and I can finally moan out without anyone hearing me. I keep going till I feel this euphoria fills me, my fingers wet... so wet. I smile feeling the best release ever, I put my phone down and laugh to myself. Washing my hands and walking back to Danny's room leaning on the door way. He looks at me smirking,
"How did it go?"
"Oh, it went... really.... well."
We both laugh, I sit next him, he bumps shoulders with me.
"If you ever feel frustrated like that again just play with yourself so you don't make any mistakes with losing your virginity."
I nod and lay on my back feeling good! He lays on his back, but sits up as we hear honking outside.
He leaves the room and comes back with the guys, I sigh feeling heavy again, Eric pushes Ty.
"Ahmina I'm sorry for how I acted. If I ever do anything like that again tell the guys and they will beat me to a pulp which I'd deserve." I nod and he leaves the room, Eric looks at me.
"Can I speak with you alone?"
I nod and we go to my room,
"Are you sure you want to stay here?"
"Um, yeah, I actually feel really comfortable here.... Danny's mom is really nice and Danny doesn't pressure me."
"Except the night of the party."
Eric says, I look at Eric,
"I think that was just a mistake. I get a really good vibe from him...."
"He is a good guy, I just want you to be sure."
I nod and hug him,
"Thank you Eric."
We head back to Danny's room,
"Your clothes are here."
Danny says, the personal shopper or my new PS lays out some of the clothes. My eyes widen seeing very cut, sexy and beautiful clothes, most dark clothes like I love. Combat boots, converse, Van's, tank tops lace ones, tight skirts and crop tops. She even got me hair products, straighteners, a wand curler, jewelry.... it's all so beautiful.
"How did you know what I like?"
I ask and she shrugs,
"If I tell you I'd be out of business."
I look at all the guys and see Faith looking at all of us.
She walks in and grabs my hand,
"You like it?"
I nod and hug her tightly,
"Its perfect, thank you so much!"
Faith giggles,
"If you need or want anything else just text this number and Clara will get it for you."
I nod and she leave the room, I grab the bags and take them to my new room, the guys follow and help me put away the clothes.
"Oh god!"
Quinn drops a big bag and walks away I laugh,
"What is it?"
"Your panties and stuff."
We all laugh at him, I put it away and shake my head,
"I'm sure you take off you girlfriends underwear all the time."
The room falls silent and I look at the guys,
"What? Did I miss something?"
"Lacey is Quinn's beard."
"His what? I'm sorry?"
"His cover up." Danny says, I look at Quinn and it snaps....
"Oh.... Oh! Oh shit.... woooow!" I have a mini moment and bring myself together,
"Your gay...."
Quinn nods and shrugs.
"Okay, well that cool dude, love is love. And damn I applaud yall for not bullying him." We all laugh,
"Where did Ty go?"
"That fucker went home." Quinn says sitting on my bed,
"Oh well. I'm very happy I'll have GBF I've always wanted one."
"I'm surprised you haven't asked why I'm not OOTC."
"OOTC?"
"Out of the closet."
"Oh, it's none of my business, you'll do it when you're ready."
He nods and the room becomes quiet,
"Okay well.... I'm going to shower and and get comfy.... so yeah."
I state, the guys leave the room except Eric,
"Call me if you need anything." I nod and he walks out, I start the stereo blasting
So. Young by Portugal. The Man,
I dance as the music plays, the water hitting my skin nice and hot. I think I'm going to really like it here, i rap a towel around me dancing to the song as I get dressed in my black silk pajamas shorts and tank top.
I hear a knock on my door and open it, I walk into my room letting Danny in as I continue to dance. It feels good to feel free, he watches me as I dance for a second the lays on his back.
"Hey, what's wrong?"
I ask climbing on my new bed next to him,
"I just want to respect you at all times, like when you were dancing I wanted to dance with you but I didn't want it make you uncomfortable or make you think I was trying to do something more than just that. Don't get me wrong i do but I don't want to bother you."
I grab his hand pulling him to his feet as When the night is over by Lord Huron plays and start to sway with him. His hands gently on my hips as i wrap my arms around his neck, his hands are warm and strong but soft on me. This feels good,
"You think to much." I say making him smirk, my head on his chest hearing his heart racing. He is nervous like me, my teeth biting my lip trying not to laugh.
"I hope you'll be happy here, my mom seems to like you a lot."
"Your mom reminds me of my mom..... your lucky to have her."
We lock eyes our faces getting closer,
"I'm lucky to have your forgiveness...."
"Yes you are." We both laugh killing the moment, he kisses my cheek.
"Its getting late, I'm gonna shower and head to bed." He leaves my room, leaving me alone, I haven't been alone in 2 days.... I go downstairs getting a glass of water taking it up to my room, I jump finding Faith on my bed.
"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to frighten you sweet girl."
I giggle,
"No, no its okay."
"I just wanted to see how you were settling in."
"I feel very comfortable here.... completely weightless."
"That's good, well I'm off to bed sweet girl. Goodnight." She gets up and hugs me tightly, the door closes behind me. I lay in my bed turning off my table lamp, the room goes pitch black and I freak out from the darkness which is usual because its never bothered me before. I turn the lamp back on and run to Danny's room, I knock on the door. He opens it shirtless, of course, he looks like a damn Greek god.
"You okay?" He asks snapping me out of checking him out,
"I uh, it really dark in there...."
He bites his lip as I fix my shoulder strap,
"Danny!"
He snaps out of it,
"Fuck I'm sorry, I uh oh! I have like three lava lamps here."
"Who has lava lamps anymore?"
I say laughing, he looks at me faking being mad, I hold my hands up in surrender.
"I have red blue and yellow. You'll need all three." I nod and take them,
"Thank you Danny."
I go back and plug them all in different corners of my room, I test the darkness and feel content. Okay now I can sleep, i close my eyes letting sleep take me away.....
Peacefully
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