190517 02:42 this open letter is dedicated to skam france! x
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dear eliott,
the first time i saw you, i knew from that moment that my soul will ache for you.
the first time you kissed me, i knew from that moment that i can no longer live without you.
and the first time i realized that i fell in love with you, i knew that from then on that everything in my life will change.
and so it did. everything that i believed turned out everything i never thought it would be. and when i thought i completely knew who i am, i was wrong.
my mind was a mess. i couldn't sleep. everything was new to me. i was afraid. i was terrified of the world. i was scared of what others will think about me. i tried to get rid of those thoughts. oh god knows how much i tried to ignore those but everytime i go to school i will visualize people laughing and mocking me. and i didn't want that. i didn't want to feel small. i didn't want to feel abandoned. i was afraid people will never accept me for who i am so i had to hurt you. i made a fool out of myself so no one would notice, i tried to pretend someone i believed who i should be. i didn't want to be hated for falling for a man. I was completely blinded by my fears that i forgot that everything doesn't matter as long as i have you.
I'm really sorry for all the moments that i turned my back on you when i should've held your hand. i should've listened. i should've known better. but i didn't know your situation back then. i didn't know what you were going through. and the moment i knew, my world turned upside down. your ex told me i was just a passing craze like the others. i was extremely hurt. my heart bled. why fate doesn't want us together?
i lost my hope until my friend told me about his mom, she's a bipolar too. he told me that there are times that it will get annoying, that there are moments that it gonna suck but if i really like you, it shouldn't stop me. and that woke something inside me. i need to fight for you but i was still afraid. remember the moment when you asked me if when will i introduce you to my family? i told you that it doesn't matter to my mom because i don't talk to her. you asked me why and i hated myself for answering that i don't need crazy people in my life. i fcked up bigtime. I've just realized that maybe that's the reason why you got back to your ex again. i wasn't really aware that i might've offended you back then because all i was thinking was that you were just playing with my heart, that you were all over me and one second you were back with her again. that i was nothing to you and that thought alone breaks everything inside of me. for a moment i felt like a fool for falling madly deeply inlove with you.
I went to church with my mom one friday evening after not seeing her for so long. your ex texted me that you went missing and they didn't know where you were but i ignored it. i suppressed myself even though deep in my heart i wanted to be in your ams again. i tried to focus and just listened to the homily.
"God gives us all the strength that we need. no matter your sorrows, no matter your sins. God understands and accepts you. you will never be alone, as long as He is with you."
and i lost it. everything flashed before my eyes. i knew i couldn't just let you go. you made everything better. you brought colour into my life and i don't want that happiness gone. you filled my night sky with stars and made me feel not alone. you don't know how your smile makes me weak and i wanted to see it for the rest of my life. i wanted to drown again in your eyes, to feel your lips against mine and savour your every touch. i wanted to spend every waking moments with you and sorry if it took me too long to have courage but this time, i'm braver and i'm ready to be in this fight with you. i'll fight for you.
I ran as fast as i could, i ran for my life and as i expected i found you in your secret place. my heart broke when i saw you crying and from then on i swore to myself that i will never leave you ever again.you'll never be alone anymore .
i accept you no matter who you are and whatever you want to be. i'll protect you from everything that could hurt you. i wish that only beautiful things will come to you. i'll pray to God to guide us. i'm ready to face every challenges ahead of us. i will be right here whenever you need me or not. i will wait for you until you feel running back to me. i will never get tired pouring my love for you because I'd rather have you annoy me than to not have you at all. and if someday you feel tired of loving me, i will remind you day by day, no, I will remind you minute by minute until you feel my love. so please also be patient with me because i know there are times that i could hurt you and shut you out too but please know, that at the end of the day i love you and i will choose you over and over again. you are everything to me. you are more than my fears and everything inbetween. I'll make sure that in every parallel universe, my heart will only live for you. that it will always be you.
