WAR STORM (Red Queen 4// Alternate Version)

Epilogue 3

Mare

The fire in front of me burns and burns, eternal and immortal. Its flames are always dancing, sometimes in quick, lively steps. Sometimes they waltz slowly, taking their time with the silent music. Gold and orange, the base of the fire the blue of an ocean in the night. 

Though I rarely leave my place in front of fire, I don't spend much time looking at it, even if it might seem that way. My thoughts are scattered, dwelling on the past and never daring to look into the future. 

Cal.

My fingers squeeze the blankets as the name of the fire prince floats past my lips. Too lost in the pain, I don't know if I say it aloud or not. 

I was so utterly stupid. Wasteful, naive. Stupid. 

The last days have given me time. To mourn, to think, to breathe, even if I forget the fundamental action every so often, caught holding my breath as I think. 

Maybe I loved Tyton. But those days, whether or not the feelings were genuine, are long gone. It hasn't been that long, maybe seven or eight days since the Lakelander invasion, since... other events, but it feels like a hazy nightmare, a dream that I can't recall specifics of. 

Tyton made me... happy. I bite my lip and have to force myself to stop before it bleeds, drips on the white blanket I found in one of the apartment closets. I used to smile when he'd touch my hand, and I wanted to be with him, let him make me forget all the old troubles my heart held heavy. At the same time, I don't know if it was real or not. Cannot push through the fog of that hazy nightmare, back to before Cal's wedding, when it was just me and Tyton. I can't remember if even then, some part of me knew that I was still in love with Cal.

While the Electricon may have stabbed Cal, I killed them both. Long before either of them lay dead and dying on that hallway floor, silver and red blood splattered into a gruesome painting. I should have chosen sooner, made up my mind. Not lied to both Tyton and myself about what I really wanted. 

He was so angry. Tyton wanted to kill Cal, and he succeeded. He was so angry. 

And I can't help but think if I hadn't lied, and told Tyton the truth sooner, neither of them would be dead. And I wouldn't have to lie about who killed Tyton. Because if Davidson knew the truth, if much of anybody knew the truth...

I come out of the chair, throwing my blanket to the ground. In my hurry, I did a decent job of finding a habitable living space, one of the apartments above the common Silver's jewelry shop. I traded Mareena's priceless jewels to him, and he gave me a year's rent on this apartment. 

No, I won't stay here that long. Won't. 

The rooms are small, but tidy enough that I couldn't care less. Whitefire will do me no good, not when it's a constant reminder of everything that I've lost. Here, there's a living room with a lovely fireplace, a long hallway of closets, bedrooms, and bathrooms that leads to a kitchen and a dining room. The floor is covered in soft grey carpeting, and the walls are eggshell white with paintings of black and white. 

I pad down the hall to the kitchen, my legs weak from disuse. The food's running short in here, and if that's how I find my motivation to leave this place, then so be it. I've given myself the luxury of stopping, of spending my long and miserable days doing whatever I please. But soon... soon I'll need to start again. Recover, pretend that I'm fine. 

That I didn't spend every moment staring into that fire, thinking about where it went wrong. What I'm to blame for and what isn't my fault. How stupid and stupid...

I wipe the sleeve of my cardigan against my eyes, reaching the kitchen. Like the rest of the apartment, it's quaint, made up of a wooden island, a stove and cabinets, nothing interesting nor boring.