𝐫𝐞𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝, shawn mendes

𝟥.𝟩

shawn mendes
03/03/18
3:08pm
sorrento, italy

"Can I ask you a question?" I clear my throat and ask, knowing that I need an answer more than anything. I've decided, subconsciously or otherwise, that if the answer to this question is yes, then I might have to leave. If she says no, that's all she needs to say for me to stay.

"Uh, yeah..." She mumbles, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"Are you still in love with Kal?" I say quickly, exhaling once the words were out. A knot forms in my stomach as she opened her mouth to speak, dreading what she was going to say.

"I think..." She pauses, gulping noticeably. "I don't think I am."

"You mean that?" I ask, desperately wanting to be sure that was an effort to convince me, and not herself.

"Yeah. I mean, I have love for him. I care for him. But not in the way I did when we were together. In fact, I don't really think I loved him in that way while we were together, for some parts."

"What do you mean?" I raise my eyebrows at her confession.

"It's a long explanation. You don't really wanna hear it." She attempts to assure me, but my curiosity is piqued.

"No, I do. I'm supposed to be figuring you out, aren't I?" I suggest, setting my guitar to the side and gesturing for her to sit between my legs. She does so, resting her head on my chest as I rest mine on the railing of the boat. "Tell me about your love life, and I'll tell you about mine."

"Ok, fair enough." She shrugs. "So, I met Kal at my first photoshoot. It wasn't his first, so he sort of helped me ease into it." She pauses. "Is this weird to be talking about? I feel like it is. If you're uncomfortable, tell me." She rambles.

"I'm not uncomfortable. Keep going. I promise it's not weird for me."

"Ok, so after that we went for coffee, and we became good friends." She pauses again. "That was in July of 2015. And we were really close friends up until new year's eve at this party, and we did the whole cliché kissing at midnight thing and everything. Anyway, we were together since that night, boyfriend and girlfriend and all that. He was my first, in all the senses of the word. Which is probably why I stayed with him even when things got bad."

"Why did things get bad?" I ask.

"It wasn't his fault. Last April his dad died and it fucked his whole family up. He just got really depressed, and I felt so helpless because I couldn't do anything to help. So I put all my energy into trying to make him feel better, that I completely forgot how to take care of myself." She sighs. "For his birthday, I bought him this ridiculously expensive vintage watch and we flew out to Paris and I planned everything and made sure it was perfect."

"And then what?"

"For my birthday, he was doing a modelling job in Japan, and he didn't even call. No gift, no card, no 'happy birthday to my girlfriend'. Nothing."

My heart aches as she tells me this, because I know how much better I could treat her. "What did you say?"

"I didn't. I told myself it wasn't his fault, and that I shouldn't care. But I did. And it wasn't just that, no. There was so much more, so much more shit he did to me." She chuckles wryly. "I should've been relieved when he left me. Thankful, even. I used to think I'd always love him, but I don't anymore."