something to do (Pavel Chekov)

26

Pavel walks back to the beach huts and spends a few minutes alone trying to calm down. His head is running through far too much. He doesn't understand himself anymore and he tucks his knees up to his chest. He used to be so in tune with himself. He used to understand every feeling that he had, to break it down and analyse it like his scientific mind was fantastic at. Now his head is a washing basket of miscellaneous items that he can no longer categorise or label. Every item, every thought, melts as he picks it up and sifts through his fingers back into the basket. Nothing feels certain anymore. He realises he's getting teary and he wipes his eyes, frustrated at himself.

Eadie finds Pavel. She wants an explanation or something tangible, but he apologises, telling her what he can; that he can't label what's going on. She blames herself for scaring him away, for pressing a button or flicking a switch that caused some kind of panic. He promises it wasn't her but that doesn't settle her unease.

The next few hours in the sun are far less bright. They do their own things next to one another in the beautiful weather and act like they're okay with it. Pavel is trying to sleep on his stomach but finds himself doing nothing much other than overthinking and shedding a few involuntary tears.

'You're broken,' he tells himself. He believes it more now than he ever used to. He tries not to get caught up in the spider's web again, but he's already wrapped in silky sadness, already bound together by his own mental toxicity.

Eadie knows Pavel's struggling. He wakes up and looks lost, though he knows exactly where he is. She puts a hand tenderly on his shoulder and he makes an attempt not to shy away from her touch. His skin is warm and he asks when they're supposed to go back.

"Have I upset you?"

"That doesn't exactly answer my question. No, you haven't. I just worry about going back."

Eadie nods, not having any answer for him. She feels guilty. She feels like she's pushed him away. She tells herself not to initiate anymore contact. He doesn't even notice.

They head back to medbay and McCoy is asking if they feel better. Eadie speaks for them, telling him about the sunshine and how real it felt. McCoy figured they'd appreciate their time together somewhere other than medbay. He checks them over and gives them another nutrient filled gel pack to consume. Pavel has no appetite but takes it anyway, telling himself he needs to do anything that might improve how he's feeling.

"Pavel's in a mood," McCoy notes, as soon as Pavel's taken elsewhere for a counselling session. "Any idea why?"

"Yes and no," Eadie mutters. "I have a vague idea but I feel like he isn't even entirely sure what's going on. I think I upset him or something... I'm not sure."

McCoy nods, pulling up Eadie's vitals on his PADD. "And how have you been feeling? You seem a little stressed. I thought a day in the sun would relax you."

"It did. I'm just worried about Pavel. I'm scared I'll hurt him. I don't know how to approach certain topics with him. I don't want to tiptoe around everything," Eadie mutters. She brushes the hair from her eyes and lies back a little.

"I might chat to him and see if it's something we can help him fix. He's very reluctant to open up to anyone but you. I've probably said this before, but he cares about you so damn much."

Eadie smiles a little. She knows this already. It feels good hearing it regardless.

McCoy lets them go back to their apartment to sleep and Pavel is just as cold as he was earlier. Eadie doesn't try and make conversation. He's lost in thought. She doesn't try and disrupt him. They eat together in a painful silence and Eadie feels empty being so close to him, yet so emotionally far. She feels her own sadness start to set in and disappears into the bathroom for a few minutes. Her eyes are watering and she tries to just wipe her tears away as they come. Pavel's lying on top of the bed when she comes back out.

"I don't know how to start living again," Pavel mutters. "Everything used to make sense. Study, exams, navigating. It was all so clear. I'm scared now. I don't... I don't what I'm doing. I have responsibilities that I didn't prepare for. I'm sorry I'm not the boy you met in the cell. It was easier then. All I had to worry about was making it through each day. That was all. I just had you to worry about and try and make it out alive."

"Pavel..."

"I'm sorry. I tell myself I won't pour all this out onto you and I always do. I should go to sleep."

"Rest with me. Let me run my fingers through your hair."

He takes a few seconds to consider her proposal and nods, waiting for her to join him. She gets changed in the bathroom and comes back out, getting under the covers and putting her fingers in his hair. His eyes melt closed and he breathes out, feeling some of the knots inside his head loosen a little.

"I love you," he mutters in Romanian, just before he drifts off.