something to do (Pavel Chekov)

46

Pavel is spaced out on their walk back to their room. Eadie takes his hand and swings it idly as they walk. He doesn't say anything. She wonders what he's thinking about and she nudges his side and loosens her grip on his hand so that she can sign to him. As soon as Eadie signs he just shrugs and mutters that he's tired from swimming. Eadie doesn't quite buy it.

They get into their room and Pavel pulls off his shirt and puts it on the bed. He tells Eadie he's going to have a shower and she looks at him, confused. They were just in the water, she goes to sign to him asking about it but she can't think of how to get her meaning across and he turns around heading towards the bathroom.

She clicks her fingers really quickly and he turns to look at her, asking if she's alright.

"W-water ag-ag-again?"

"I just need to get clean," he mutters passively, turning back to the bathroom.

Eadie waits for him to get out but he's in there a while once the water stops running. Eadie thinks little of it initially and tells herself he might just be shaving or something but even that barely seems plausible. She knocks on the door softly and gets no response. She knocks again, louder this time and she hears him mutter something.

"I'm out," he mutters, a towel around his shoulders. He won't make eye contact and she follows him to the bedroom. She sits on the bed and he puts a clean shirt on dries his hair a little. She clicks at him again to try and get him to look her way but he doesn't respond this time and she knows it's intentional.

"P-pav," she says, waiting for him to look her way.

"I need to sleep."

"T-t-talk t-to me."

He puts his towel down on the dresser and joins her on the bed. She can't get him to look at her and she gets annoyed, tapping him until he does.

Why? What's wrong

He signs back nothing and lays his head on the pillow. She rolls onto her stomach and starts running her fingers through his hair, brushing it out of his eyes. He clenches his eyes shut and takes a deep breath. His eyes are starting to water and Eadie thinks she might finally be getting somewhere.

Eadie hates how difficult and time consuming it is to say anything and she huffs before trying to ask him to speak his mind. He sits up and wipes his eyes. He takes a few deep breaths.

"I feel awful. I shouldn't have... I can't go doing things like that! I'm not like that, it's not the right thing to do. I don't know why I let myself, why- why I let that happen."

"Y-you're al-allowed to enjoy it P-p-pavel."

"I don't want to enjoy it! I don't want it! I don't want to feel anything! I don't want it to exist. I want to get out of my own damn head, Eadie. My head is the cell and I'm still stuck inside."

Eadie goes quiet and puts a hand on his shoulder. She picks up her PADD from the bedside table and starts typing, frustrated with trying to talk.

'I'm sorry I encouraged you. If you don't want to do anything sexual, we don't have to.'

Pavel reads over it and frowns. He shakes his head and pauses for a second to collect his thoughts. "It's not you. It's not about you. This is my problem. I have to live with it."

Eadie looks at him and says nothing. He seems angry and shut off. She can't tell if it's at her or not. She can't think of anything to type and she sits up and puts a pillow behind her, gesturing to her lap. He realises what she's trying to do and he sighs. He lays his head in her lap and she starts running her fingers into his curls. He lets out a shaky breath and wipes the corners of his eyes. He apologises for snapping, continuing to stare up at the ceiling and wiping his eyes.

"I'm sorry Eadie. I'm sorry."

"Rest," she says, in one quick breath. He nods, letting her hands in his hair drag him under.

Pavel wakes up sweating in the night and finds himself breathless. Eadie is asleep still and he climbs out of bed, heading into the kitchen. He shakes his hands out and wonders why his stomach feels so tight. He tells himself to go for a walk somewhere and he leaves Eadie a note, slipping some running shoes on.

The holodeck is in use and Pavel finds the ship's gym to be reasonably empty at this hour. There are a few others milling around but he finds a treadmill and starts running. He knows he can make a few miles at least and he starts breathing through his steps. He has music in his ears to drown out his thoughts.

Three and a half miles in, someone interrupts Pavel.

"You trying to get somewhere, kid?"

"Away," Pavel mutters, bringing his treadmill to a slow and pulling his other earphone out. "Need to be somewhere other than my own head for a while."

"I came down here looking for you. Eadie dobbed you in. She said you were upset. I want you to come back and talk to someone."

Pavel returns McCoy's comment with a huff and an eyeroll. "Yes, I get upset occasionally. Everyone does. I don't need to get shipped to a psych evaluation every time. I'll pass, thank you."

McCoy raises an eyebrow. "You do realise I'm not asking, right? If you want to work on the bridge and if you want to get better, which I know you do, then this is part of it; whether you like it or not. Eadie is looking after you, I'm glad she sent me to check up on you."

Pavel wipes his face with a towel and sighs. "I'm going to go have a shower first. I will come to medbay after."

McCoy decides not to argue any further. He watches as Pavel leaves and is pleased to see him a half hour later. He greets McCoy with the words 'I don't want to be here' and takes a seat on one of the biobeds. McCoy checks his vitals before sending him over to Doctor Kotir.

(Author's Note)

Last update was small, here's another