Only Ever Best Friends

⍟ 17 ⍟

I answered by pulling his shirt off over his head. I stared, tracing my fingers over his warm skin.

It's not like I haven't seen him shirtless before; of course I have. But this is different. I never had any reason to look at his body as anything other than just that: a body. A body that I wasn't drawn to at all. No particular desire for it to be close to mine... but right now I see it differently.
I put my hand on his cheek and ran my thumb over his lips.

His eyes meet with mine, asking me if I'm sure.

Being this close to him in this particular way put me in a trance. It didn't seem to register or even matter that this was the exact wrong person to be doing anything with. I'm full of lust and void of logic.

"I want to," I say firmly.

He glances down and I realize he's looking at my breasts.

"C—can I..."

"If you want to,"

Slowly he reaches his hands behind me, carefully undoing the clasps of my bra. It drops a few seconds later, revealing my bare chest.

"Oh my god," he smiled, "you are so beautiful."

I blushed.

"Do you have a-"

He leaned over the side of the bed, reached into a pocket of his backpack, and retrieved a small packet. Foil rips and he rolls the packet's contents on inside his boxers, as if he isn't ready to let me see him yet. He dims the lights and then joins me under the covers, sliding both his and my underwear off, and situating himself over my body. While he was hovering on top of me, something touched my leg and startled me.

"Grayson!"

"It's just me."

I laughed: "so that's what that feels like then."

He blushed so hard his eyes closed.

       ["sO tHaTs wHAt tHat FeELs LikE tHeN"
                     SERIOUSLY ELLIE?]

"I'm sorry—keep going."

He looked down and after a few seconds I felt it again but this time he slowly started pushing it into me. It hurt like hell.

I whimpered and wrenched my eyes shut.

He immediately stopped.

"Shit, are you okay?"

Though the true answer was a definite, 100% 'NO', I nodded.
A tear escaped my eye and he gently brushed it away with his thumb.

"I'm sorry, I- " he stammered.

"It's not your fault."

"Do you want me to stop? 'Cause I don't wanna keep going if I'm hurting you."

"You're doing just fine," I said as I pulled his chin down and kissed him. He leaned down and touched his forehead to mine. He sighed and I felt his warm breath fan over my cheeks and neck.

"Okay?" he asks.
"Okay." I confirm.

He continued pushing a bit farther, then stopped. The amount of pressure between my hips was almost unbearable.

"Jesus Christ..." I breathed.

We both waited a few moments. I was waiting for him to adjust to the feeling of being inside me, and him waiting for me to adjust to the feeling of having him inside me.

"Mmm fuckkk," he moaned.

"I think the real question is are you okay?"
I giggled.

"Yep, I'm... fine," he said panting.

He moaned again even louder and I laughed at him.

"Why are you laughing?" he insisted, mildly pissed at me.

"It's funny to hear that noise come out of your mouth," I said.

"That's so fucked up, man," he said shaking his head.

"So is this. If anyone knew that we were doing this..." I started.

He leaned down and kissed my chest. God help me.

"I won't...tell anyone," he said, biting my neck.

"Grayyy."

He kissed me again.
"Mmhmm?"

"Never mind... just...don't stop..."

                         [I am going to hell.]

"I wasn't planning on it," he answers.

And so it continues:
the pain is still there, and it's still completely foreign, what we're doing together. He seemed to continue by some sort of animal instinct, rolling his hips into mine; easing himself in and out and becoming progressively more confident but still moaning desperately.
I decide to wrap my leg around his waist.

"Ohhhh," he said uneasily.

"El..."

"Yeah?"

"I think I'm gonna c—"

Before he could finish the sentence, the condom began filling up with a warm liquid and he seemed to go limp as it went. He pulled out, threw the condom into the trash, and collapsed, next to me.

I realized then, after the act had been done, how non-take-back-able it was.