Only Ever Best Friends

✰ 23 ✰

I made sure the hood of my sweatshirt was effectively covering all evidence of last night before stepping inside.

"You're home!" My mom exclaimed.
"How was the weather out there?" My dad asked.

"Really nice, not too hot, but not chilly either,"
I answered.

"Sounds great," my mom agreed.

[Yeah...]

"I'm gonna go up and unpack and take a shower."

"Okay sweetheart."

I walked up the stairs with my backpack slung over my shoulder. I dropped it on my bed and walked into my bathroom.

I thought I had worked through all my confusion and doubt before we left the motel, but as soon as I saw myself it all came back. I stood for a moment just looking at the girl in the mirror. This girl was different from the one who had looked into it before. She was no longer a picture of innocence. She wasn't a good daughter or an obedient child. But most of all, she was a liar and a bad friend.

I took off my clothes and examined myself: hickeys on my neck that I'd need to cover with makeup, soreness I'd have to come up with an excuse for.

Why can't this have just never happened? Everything would be so much simpler and easier if we just... didn't. How do I hide all the signs that say it did? Hell, I have at least five deep pink and purple bruises going all the way from my neck to my left collar bone and I'm walking like I can barely support my own weight. But the worst of all is the acute soreness in my hips and pelvis.

But my worries weren't just about hickeys and a sudden walking impediment, they were behavioral and ethical too. Were Gray and I already acting different around each other? How did we even act before? I can't remember.

And how could I do this to Ethan? I feel bad for lying, but what if I could go back and have him and Grayson swap places? The dilemma would be exactly the same. Someone would always end up hurt.

I turned on the tap, switched the diverter to the shower head, and stepped in. The water was warm and I felt somewhat nurtured by it so I sat down and just let the water rain down on me. Then I began to cry.

I cried because I was confused. I cried because how I felt last night wasn't worth how I feel now. What's the point of me finally realizing that I want him when I can't even have him anyway? I knew that wasn't like I'd ever be able his girlfriend, or anything of that nature. There's no place we can go just the two of us without people asking questions like:

"What are you two doing?"
"Where are you going?"
"Where's Ethan?"
"Is there something going on here?"
"Are you guys together?"
"Are you hiding something?"
"Why isn't Ethan with you?"

And because of this, Grayson and I... well, there is no Grayson and I. It can't happen again and it shouldn't have happened in the first place.
It was a mistake...

I kept crying because I knew that the sound of the water covered up my sobs. I cried until I ran out of tears, and then stood up and washed myself.

I dried off and put on pajama pants and a turtleneck.

Then I got a text notification. From Sophie.

"FT NOW."

[Get it together Ellie.]

I called her and she picked up almost immediately.

"I HEARD ABOUT YOUR TRIP OMG! WHAT HAPPENED?? DID YOU KISS? OHMYGOD TELL ME."

[We did a lot more than that...]

"SOPH, CALM DOWN. He and I just talked about how awkward it was and then moved on."

[Complete bullshit.]

"YOU ARE SO BORING. ERICA TRIED TO HELP YOU TWO AND YOU JUST THREW IT AWAY!!! UGHHHHH, I thought you said you liked him!"

"I did and I do, but I'm not willing to risk our friendship," I replied.

"BOO!" she protested, "now some twat is gonna come and take him away from you!"

"That's completely fine with me."

"Fuck you, Ellie," she said, frustrated with my mentality.

"Goodnight girl," I said laughing.

"Goodnight stupid ass," she answered, and hung up.

She was right about one thing: I am very stupid.

I shoved my backpack off the bed and then climbed in under the covers.

*bing*
New Text:
[Gray💞😁✌️» Me]:
You can delete this message after
you've read it.

[Gray💞😁✌️» Me]:
We'll figure this out together. Sweet dreams, El.

I know I should answer, but I can't. I'm scared. Only two days ago I was telling everyone at Erica's party how crazy they were for imagining me with one of the boys.
I told them no way. I told Sophie no way. I told myself never in a million years. Impossible.

Then images from last night flash through my head like a slideshow:

click

Grayson's hands are in my hair.

click

Our clothes are scattered throughout the room, littering the floor.

click

His naked body is tangled up in mine, and mine in his and it's frightening and euphoric all at once and then-

click

Ethan.

How could I have done this? And how long will I be able to keep it from him?

My life will never be the same now.