Only Ever Best Friends

✪ 19 ✪

{Ellie's POV}

I can't believe I just did that with him...
The optics on this are so bad...why did he even want to... okay no, first thing's fucking first: WHY DID I LET HIM? What kind of person just up and does it with their childhood best friend? Am I deranged? Where did that behavior even come from?! I'm literally A CHILD. How did you go from talking about an eleventh grade bio project to full-on LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY in under ten minutes?!

And aren't you supposed to pee after?

I don't know whose advice that was but I decide to follow it.

Not long after, I hear the doorknob rattle. I pray for him to go away and I begin examining a mark on my neck in the mirror of the vanity - a mark which definitely wasn't there 15 minutes ago.

The door is being tried once again:

"El please. We need to talk about this, it's not going to just go away...you know that. Please."

I hate it, but he's right; I can't shut him out.
We need to talk about what just happened... and I need an explanation.

So I open the door.

There he is. His face shows a mixture of emotions: sorrow, confusion, shame, fear...

He motions for me to follow him (which I do) and we sit down on the floor with our backs leaned up against the bed.

I sigh.

"Okay you- you have a lot of explaining to do."

He sighs.

"I know."

"I'm listening."

He stays quiet for a few seconds.
"God this is so weird. How do you even start a conversation like this?"

"Hell if I know."

"So what d-"

"Why did you want to kiss me?" I interrupt.

His eyes widened.
"Wha-"

"On the beach today... why did you ask-"

"I...." he began slowly.

"You what?"

"I needed to know..."

"Know what?"

"I needed closure on something."

Now I'm getting impatient.

"CLOSURE ON WHAT?" I snap.

"GOD ELLIE, CAN'T YOU SEE HOW HARD THIS IS FOR ME?! DO YOU THINK I PLANNED THIS SHIT?!"

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU HAVE A CONDOM?"

"HEALTH CLASS, ELLIE, HEALTH CLASS. THEY MAKE EVERY STUDENT TAKE ONE.
So yeah I had it, but do you really think I was planning on using it? ESPECIALLY on YOU?"

Ouch.

"Grayson, I—I didn't—"

"The whole car ride here I was wondering what to say to you in case you asked about last night. And what I said on the beach earlier was barely even the half of it. I had never felt like such a stranger to myself as I did last night.
I had never been more afraid of and disgusted with myself as-"

"Grayson what happened at the party was out of your control. If anything, it was my fault. I'm sorry I ignored you when you were trying to tell me to stop, I should've listened to you, I—I shouldn't have let-"

"NO!"

"What do you mean, 'no'?"

"You don't understand."

"Grayson what do you m-"

"What if Erica and everyone else had a point? What if I was wasting time waiting around for the right person to come into my life... what if they were right in front of me... what if it really was just a matter of time and I just happened to be the twin that would be the mistake..."

he takes a deep breath

"...then you did the dare. And I haven't been able to think straight since. Coming here I thought I could restrain myself but it was driving me fucking insane not knowing what it all meant. So I kissed you because I wanted...needed...to find out. And I found..."

His voice started to shake.
He's never this open with me about his feelings.

"I f-found..."
I could tell he was struggling to get the words out, so I reached over and took his hand. For a moment I honestly thought he might combust before my eyes because of how hard he's trying not to say whatever it is that's on his mind.

"Please say it."