Only Ever Best Friends

☆ 24 ☆

{Grayson's POV}

We get home late. Or "late" for a school night.
Nevertheless, as soon as I step in the house, I'm greeted by my mom:
"How'd the project go?"

"Uh good. It went really well," I answered, praying that I sounded convincing.

"Good," she said, relieved. "I heard the weather was great this weekend."

"Yeah it was really nice... I'm gonna go shower," I answered.

I padded up the stairs, dropped my stuff off in my room, then walked to the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I threw my head into my hands and cursed.

Grayson what have you done...

I force myself to look in the mirror... to confront whoever the fuck this guy staring back at me is. He wasn't a virgin, he wasn't an obedient kid, he wasn't a good guy, and honestly, he didn't know WHAT he was anymore besides a liar and a shitty brother.

I sighed, pulled off my clothes, and climbed into the shower. I leaned my forehead against the cold shower tiles, wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

Did I really just do all that?
Did I really FUCK my best friend?

• • •

I headed back to my room, which I quickly remembered wasn't solely mine when Ethan began speaking to me.

"How's the project?" he asked in a congested voice.

"Oh, it was kind of a pain in the ass, how are you feeling? Are you feeling better?"
I followed, quickly diverting the subject.

Real smooth, Gray.

"I feel like shit, thanks for asking," he answered, flipping over and turning out his light.

"Well goodnight then," I said, pulling on some pajamas.

I climbed into my bed and turned out my light. But I couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard I tried. I was busy replaying each day of past week in my head... trying to figure out how things ended up like this.

Monday.

Monday was the first day of junior year and I hadn't seen Ellie since the Fourth of July. Football tryouts started in August and Ethan and I were both busy pretty much all month with practices and training. I didn't realize how weird it was to have been apart all that time until Monday... best friends should never go that long without seeing each other. I felt like I got a part of myself back that I didn't even know was missing. But that doesn't mean I liked her... right? It just means I care about her.

That's why I reacted the way I did that morning when Oliver went and grabbed her ass for no fucking reason. Don't get me wrong, I definitely would've said something about it no matter whose ass it was... but there was something about it being Ellie's that made me furious. And from the way Ethan reacted, I'm guessing that we both really care about how guys treat her. She's amazing and deserves to have someone who notices that about her and never treats her as any less.

I'm not implying that 'that guy' is me...
But I am the one who will make sure he stays in check.

Tuesday.

Ellie and I were going to have to go to the beach this weekend and collect rocks, but Ethan was going to come too, so I saw it as a nice opportunity for us to catch up and spend some time together without our parents getting in the way or nagging us about anything.
Then Erica invited us to a party which, again, seemed like a great opportunity to hang out, as well as a pretty dope end to the first week of school.

Wednesday and Thursday were pretty uneventful and when Friday morning rolled around, everything was still normal. The plan was to get our homework done, go pick Ellie up, and then the three of us would go over to Erica's.

But then Ethan got sick out of nowhere and it became just Ellie and I - which, I guess could look a certain way to someone on the outside, but it's never been like that between any of us.
It's kind of like an unwritten rule that you don't get romantically involved with your best friend, so I wasn't worried... I had no reason to be.

Just the two of us should've been fine.
It's always been fine.

Until that game.
Until that dare.

Things people said that night replay in my mind like recordings:

"Who would've thought that this would be the way we finally got her with one of the twins?"

"It's only a matter of time..."

"...bound to end up with one of them..."

"Scared you'll like it?"

The last one echoes in my brain.

Daring her to do that to me was way over the line. A major violation. And I would've never done anything if Ethan were there... but he got sick which meant I had to go to the party with Ellie and I had to go with her alone on the trip. So this is Ethan's fault...? If Erica would've just kept quiet about the whole falling in love by accident thing, none of this would've happened, right? It's all Erica's fault.

But no matter how much I wanted to blame this on someone else, I knew it was my fault.
I knew the dare was a bad idea, but I somehow ended up falling into it anyway.

And I was horrified by what happened.
I felt like I'd broken a law.

It's almost like the dare flicked a switch.
It broke a long-established boundary.
Rather, it SHATTERED the boundary.

If I hadn't kissed her yesterday... would I ever have done it?

I don't know, but I don't think I regret doing it.
I probably would've done it years ago if I'd known it would feel like that.

And I don't think I regret what I did after either, even though I probably- no, definitely should.

I should feel disgusting.
Ashamed.
Repulsed.

But I don't.

And even worse, I'd do it again.

God, what is she doing to me?

Maybe it'll all make sense tomorrow.