Only Ever Best Friends

⌁ 30 ⌁

Thursday.

"I'm riding with Gray this morning mom!"

"Okay, love you sweetie! Have a good day!"

"You too!"

From our living room window I see the familiar Jeep pull up and rush outside. Grayson signals for me to get in next to him.

"How and why is this motherfucker STILL sick? Did he contract the bubonic plague or something?"

Grayson's eyes sparkle as he chuckles at my joke, and I pretend to myself that I don't notice it.

"They put him on antibiotics yesterday, so we should have his annoying ass back very soon."

"And I'll resume my status of queen of the back seat?"

"Indeed, your highness."

I laugh and glance into the main view mirror, catching sight of his forehead, eyebrows and eyes in the reflection.

It felt really good to be on speaking terms with him again.

• • •

In chemistry we were continuing the worksheet we'd started yesterday. Or at least some of us were.

"I know you need help, El."

"That obvious?"
I roll my eyes at him and he motions for me to show him where I'm stuck.

"Ahhh."
He scoots closer to me and begins comparing his paper with mine.

My heartbeat quickens and I find myself struck with the urge to be physically touching. Just to be even closer... why?

"The theoretical yield is the maximum amount of product that could form from the given amount of reactants."

"How do you understand this, Gray?"

He doesn't answer, he just glances over and a corner of his mouth turns up, forming a small grin.

"Fine, keep your secrets. I'm gonna fail this class."

"No you're not."

"You're dyslexic and still better at this than I am."

"Chemistry is mainly math, that's why. You're still better than I am at English, I promise."

He was the same old Grayson.
I just have to keep telling myself that.
This was how it should be between us, nothing more. We're just friends. Best friends, but JUST friends.

I can do that.
If he can do that, I can do that.

• • •

Gray doesn't have practice today, so we head to the car right after study hall ends.

After the normal day we've had, I'm kinda expecting us to talk during the drive home.
But being alone with him changes things.

It's too quiet. It's never been like this.

He looks over at me for a moment and it's like his eyes are trying to tell me something, but his mouth won't cooperate.

Then he looks forward and we sit in silence the whole way home.

And though I try not to, my mind goes back to the beach. To Saturday.

Trying to remember how it felt the moment we first touched, when I guess I knew things wouldn't be the same.

How safe I felt looking into his eyes.
How electrifying it was to have him that close to me.

I think about running my fingers through his soft brown hair, and what it's like to smile at him and see him smiling back at me.

And I think about all the things he said after we slept together. How vulnerable he'd been with me.

Wondering if he really meant all of it, or if we were both just caught up in the moment.

High on dopamine and endorphins.

"Ethan will be back tomorrow."
He says pulling in front of my house.

"About time."
I reply, getting out.

"Oh and do me a favor - ANSWER YOUR TEXTS."

• • •

It's crazy to believe that this whole thing began only a week ago. Last Friday, we were all planning to go to the first party of the year in our friend group. The three of us.

I go up to my room, throw my stuff down and shut the door.

But the back of my door is a collage of pictures. Pictures of my family, of animals and vacations. And of friends - especially best friends.

I see Sophie, Ethan, me and Gray.
I look at me and then at him - at pictures from a time long before now, when our biggest problems had to do with hogging toys or who was actually the best at Just Dance.

Nothing to do with sleeping together.