AxP - Will We Be?

You Make Everything Worse

March mock exams rolled around, and I had revised as hard as I physically could. Anything to take my mind off everything else going on. The first week of mock exams had gone by and were not too bad. On Monday morning was English Literature Paper 1 and in the afternoon Biology Paper 1. Tuesday, Maths Paper 1 and in the afternoon Chemistry Paper 2. Wednesday, English Literature Paper 2 and in the afternoon Physics Paper 1. Thursday, Maths Paper 2 and in the afternoon Biology Paper 2. Friday, English Language Paper 1 and in the afternoon Biology Paper 2. Feeling like I had done quite well, gave me the confidence for the second week.
One thing I have never understood is why there were 100 different papers for each subject.
For week two, on Monday morning was Maths Paper 2 and afternoon was Chemistry Paper 2. Tuesday, English Language Paper 2 and in the afternoon Physics Paper 2. Wednesday, Maths Paper 3. Thursday was both Religious Studies exams. Friday, Geography Papers 1 and 2.

On Monday after school, the English department planned an after-school session where they wanted to walk us through how the best way to do English Language paper 2 was. The whole year group was invited, and it was to be held in the sports hall, where all the exam tables were set up.

I had a really severe cough and I felt really stressed but I decided to go anyway. During the day, the school psychologist pulled me out of the hour long break the year group was given between exams. Apparently, I had lost too much weight and my teachers were worried. After briefly answering her questions, she let me go back outside. The reason I had lost weight was because I was finding it really difficult to swallow food. I didn't want to make a fuss or miss out on the chance of learning from my mocks, so I didn't tell anyone. I chose to keep it to myself and reduce how much I ate. Honestly, I think they were being really dramatic. I hadn't lost that much at all. Just a little bit on my face, and a little on my arms and legs. Nothing too alarming.

Entering the hall with the girls, we sat in some seats right in front of the door and pulled out our equipment. The big screen was down and was showing a live feed of a test paper that was on the desk at the very front, next to a microphone. I felt like I wasn't breathing properly, so I took in a deep breath, which was becoming a habit. Tapping my pen nervously on the desk, I looked at the practically empty hall.

My eyes land on Alex siting a few rows down, more towards the front, and as expected to his left was Gigi. He was sitting on his chair sideways, facing Gigi, leaning his elbows on his knees with a really cute smile.
Don't cry, don't cry.

After Alex unfollowed me on Instagram, I had avoided even looking in his direction if I could help it. Of course, there were moments where he would pass by and there were moments when I caught him watching me. But he didn't try to talk to me and vice versa.
I was starting to get used to seeing them together, but it still hurt, although not as much. Which was a good thing, right? Maybe I was finally starting to move on. Maybe.
Or maybe, I was just becoming numb.

Alex said something to Gigi, and she burst out laughing. When she playfully shoved him, he grabbed her chair leg, pulling it closer to him.
"Don't look babe," Jade advised me kindly, when she noticed me staring, next to her.
"Urgh, they need to get a room," Jesy rolled her eyes. When she turned around in her seat and saw my face she added, "sorry babe."
"They won't last," Leigh said spinning on her chair to look back at me.
"It's been like three months," I mumbled. Besides me, he'd never been with anyone even nearly that long.
"I don't buy it," Jesy replied, "I've caught him watching you."
"A lot more recently than before, but he has been," Jade added and I didn't reply, not knowing how to. 

The teacher started talking through the exam paper and I focused on what she was saying. Using her tips and advice, I answered the first two questions and then passed it to Jade when we swapped papers to mark. Then we talked through the third question, and my cough started to get a little vigorous.
You know that annoying student in the exam hall that keeps coughing non-stop? That was me.
Whilst everyone was trying to answer the questions, I tried to get my coughing to stop. I drank a little water, being mindful not to make myself choke. After a couple of minutes, I started to get perplexed looks from other students, so I packed up my things, deciding it was probably best to leave.

Bidding farewell to the girls, I left the hall as quietly as I could, and headed to my locker. After grabbing my jacket and shutting my locker, I slumped to the floor, taking in deep breaths, and taking some small sips of water. Finally, getting my coughing to calm down, I got up and headed to the exit. As I neared the school gates, I noticed Gigi getting into a car a little bit down the road, with Alex waving and then heading back up towards the gate.

I started debating about whether I should just wait for him to pass and head home, so we wouldn't have to walk at the same time in the same direction. Speeding up, I decided to walk as ahead of him as possible. He noticed me when I exited school grounds and headed up the road, a little faster than I usually walked. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to try and get ahead. Being a footballer meant he could probably catch up to me.

I'm such an idiot, I thought to myself as I heard his footsteps approaching. God, save me please.

"Hi," he said unsurely when he reached me, and I smiled in response. "You okay? You were coughing really hard." Nodding in reply, I kept my gaze on the ground. I wasn't trying to be rude, but I didn't want to speak in case I started to cough again. "You can't even speak to me properly, anymore," he mumbled quietly, but I still caught it and couldn't help but respond,
"Do you even care?" I sighed.
"You think I don't care?"
"Don't do that!" I exploded, "Don't say that to make it sound like you care and I'm wrong, when you obviously don't give a shit."
"You were the one who decided not to be with me, how can you say I don't care," he shot back.
"Don't get it twisted," I spat, coming to a halt, "I decided not to get back with you because I felt like it was ruining what we had. Two weeks down the line and you got into a relationship, three months down the line, you're still in that relationship and I'm still very much single, trying to move past this. If i was going to put a bet on which one of us didn't care, I would bet on you..."
I started to cough. Really bad. I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"Perrie?" he called, his tone laced in concern. He put his arms around me in an attempt of comfort but I shrugged him off,
"Don't touch me," I hissed between coughs.
"Let me help, tell me..."
"Help?!" I interrupted, "you make everything worse, how do you want to help me?" I pulled away from him and walked away.
"Wait..." he tried again but I ignored him.
"Just leave me alone!" I yelled back at him before taking a tiny sip of water.
I can't take this anymore.