Inconvenient To Adore (bxb)

LIX

Onyx

     It has been about a month, I haven't step foot in the hospital sense then instead I went to my therapist, a group therapy and another one specifically for people with Bpd and every day I came up with the same answer.that boy is toxic. I didn't know when Genacis became toxic for me but I realized most of my triggers were from him. I put that boy through hell the past months and that made me feel even more guilty. But I didn't think most people understood. I could deal with him having a baby on me, I could deal with him killing someone— I couldn't deal with a drug dealer. I couldn't deal with someone messing with that shit voluntarily when my life was shit because of it. Now the boy gotten shot, I was doing so good until the anger filled my body. That night I crashed my car, it was either that or kill Arrius in the ER. There was limited things my mind was telling me but all were negative and all ended with me harming myself or others.

    Some filled with guilt, it was my fault it was all my fault, I should've been paying more attention. I should've just had him move in with me. Not to mention his mother practically yelled that us college kids fucked her som up and he was doing better with out us which I was with her on that one. No matter how many times I seen the boy back as my neighbor upset I've never seen him get rushed to the ER.  A part of me hurt that I wasn't laying next to the boy in the hospital bed but another part of me hurt more that he did this. I was being selfish in my head and I knew it.

I couldn't even bring myself to look at Xavyer who from Kendrell I heard was going through it. Like Kendrell stayed with Xavyer and Xavyer not only knocked Jezebel up but is and could still be dealing. Not to mention the large sum of Molly, Xanax and lean they could in Genacis system even if he did get out he was going straight into rehabs. Then it hit me, I never really cared about the age it was the mentality. Francis was mature in many ways but socially he was still a 18 year old boy who would experiment with drugs and want to go out to party. He should be able to live like that. Then I made my decision. I had to let him go. I thought that boy was my savior. Maybe he still was just he couldn't be right now, he had to figure shit out for himself. So did I - we needed to be apart to grow because us together obviously didn't work. Not once but many times; like my therapist said I spent times thinking when me and Genacis were actually good and it was slim. That hurt a lot; that most of it was us fighting,me lashing out or being in a bad state of mind. We never really got to become anything- never got to be anything.

Dear Genacis

You so fucking stupid man, I thought you was the love of my life. Shit maybe you are, but this right now? I cannot be around. You messing with them drugs you know that shit trigger me and I'm getting better- I'm trying. I got mad love for you Genacis but right now it's just not ur time. I mean you gonna go through life living it and shit. Imma just hold you down, this ain't forever so don't start them ugly tears save them for your pal Arrius funeral cause I'm for sure killing his ass. Next time we meet you getting a ass whooping too. You know them streets ain't for you, but I can't try to convince you. It's just inconvenient for me to adore you right now baby.

- onyx

I closed the envelope and sighed as I slowly walked out my house. "Are you going to see G?i heard he woke up" Malia asked as soon as I got on the front porch. I didn't know why the female was out here but she looked as if she was waiting for someone.

   "Why?" She asked

"Cause I don't fucking need to, don't question me" I started. I handed her the envelope she examined it flipping it over where his name was printed and she shook her head giving it back.

   "If you got something to say, say it your fucking self" She then spit back at me.

   "I got to go pick up your brother I don't got time for that shit"

  "I thought you loved that boy?"

"Backwards ass people, when I put my mental health first it's all the sudden a problem. Genacis will be fine without me he never needed me I always needed him. He calms me down, he keeps me sane- I loved him as much as I knew how"

"So why are you leaving him?" She yelled back

"Because he's gonna fucking break me!" I finally yelled " he does all those things but he triggers me in ways I don't fucking know, the littlest things he does makes me either mad or upset! We argue more than we do anything fucking else"

  "Normal relationships are like that-

"I'm not fucking normal!" I yelled in my little sisters face. She went quiet, "do you not get that shit, I got to fight my own demons before I deal with someone who barely even started opening theirs!" I finally took a deep breath before shaking my head.

  "The fact I got to explain myself to y'all proves how much y'all don't get. Think what you want Malia but Ian leaving ole boy inna dust forever. Imma get my baby back as soon as I get better"

  "How are you gonna get better?"

"By focusing on myself, and getting better for me. Cause I want too"

...............

•y'all gonna be like omg this was so rushed and nasty.

•but let's think, Genacis and Onyx were a bad ass couple. Let's be fucking honest here, Onyx had episodes every week and half the time Genacis pushed him too it. The two both have a lot going on in their lives even though Onyx is more obvious Genacis was already struggling with his own problems.

• Genacis basically was gonna break himself if he kept trying to fix Onyx, he kept putting his all into onyx and expecting to much out of someone who just started accepting his mental illness.

•onyx himself was a mess, his emotions and feelings from his whole life on top of his BPD he had no room to love someone in a healthy way because him himself wasn't healthy. That's why you'd see him trying but it would usually fail because of his own problems that were now spilling over and projecting out.

• Genacis dealing drugs was a big one I wanted to include misty because it wasn't out of the character of Xavyer to start. Xavyer fell into the stereotype and his father dying to the streets made it easier for me to show how limited their mind were. The boy went to selling as if it was the first option and Genacis started it for quick money due to him being lazy. Then it mentioned how he loved the feeling, most people love the feeling of the fast money and how you got to be quicker then everyone else. The boy loved the chase and honesty I think it was because he was always told to stay away from the streets. 

•last but  not least, they were never gonna end up together. Misty because onyx has to love himself before he can love Genacis the way he deserves and Genacis has to figure out a lot about himself before he can even know what he wants in a realtionship.