This Time I'll Make It

Me

Heartbroken. That's how I feel, all the time. Things were never easy for me growing up. I'm not skinny or pretty. The guys I liked never liked me back and the who did I liked me... Well, I'm not sure I ever liked him that way. I think I just liked the thought of someone being in love with me. But even that became toxic. The thing is, it's not just boys. I never had many friends either. I was always there for everyone when they needed. No one was ever there for me when I needed. When I lost my grandma, almost three years ago, I was still dating my ex and even he didn't give me the support I needed. 2016, that was the year I started making friends. That was also the year I lost her. It was so hard for me that I even considered putting off college. But then I realized, she wouldn't want me to do that. So I didn't. I met so many absolutely amazing people. I even had the opportunity of having something I had always wanted, a guy best friend. We hit it off immediately and quickly became inseparable. Or so I thought, because one year later, things between cooled off. To the point where he stopped talking to me. I never understood why, he just stopped. Even after I told him all I had been through and him promising he wouldn't leave me like everyone else did. That's when I learned that promises are just words, they don't mean anything until you actually show you mean what you say. I also learned friends really can break your heart too. It's hard for me to trust people, they always end up leaving and I'm always the one who's left hurting. I'm so used to it that sometimes I don't really feel anything, I'm just numb. Anyway, moving on. I also met three people that are really important to me. Two of them I still have by my side, the other one not so much. I screwed up this time. She had a crush on a guy and I kissed him. Honestly, I don't regret it and my conscience is clear, which means the world to me. The thing is I didn't have a chance to tell her, she found out before I could. I was going to tell her the following day, but when I woke up the next morning, she already knew. Now she's mad at me. And I get it, I truly do. I miss her so much, I love her. But I'm still not sorry that I kissed him. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I doesn't change how I feel. I mean, yes she had a crush on him, but she still kissed a different guy every time she when out. Sometimes more than one. If that crush was such a big deal to her, why did she go and kiss whoever she wanted instead of going for him already. She had plenty of opportunities and she never took any. Besides, he wanted me too. I know this things are complicated, but if it were the other way around, I would have understood. Not everyone is like me, I guess. But karma's a bitch and I ended up falling in love with him. And you know what? Now I don't have either of them. And yet I still don't regret kissing him, nor would I change anything if I could go back. I know she's pissed, but I'm giving her some time and space. In a few months she'll be back in town and I will try to talk to her. She seems open to the possibility so not everything is lost. About those two other friends, neither of them is from here. In fact, none of the friends I made in college are from here. Which means I will be spending the summer stuck at home, completely alone. I'm trying to focus on my goals, but it hasn't been easy. Once again, I feel alone. I fell in love with a guy who doesn't love me and all my friends are away. Yup, that sounds like the sad life I always had. But you know what's worse than that? I used to be able to close my eyes and see my future me, glimpses of how my life will be like, and it was amazing: I had my dream job and the family I've always wanted. Now? Now all I see is me and baby girl. No career and no man. Just us two. Not that it's not a good future, it is cause at least I get to be a mom. But it's not the future I want, it's not what I had dreamed for myself. And it hurts, it hurts because I don't think I will ever have that dream come true. There's no prince charming, and no damn fairy tale. There's no love for me and I just have to accept it. But being a mom is my greatest desire so I'm happy that's still happening. I just wish I could have other dreams come true too. I guess I just have to accept that happiness isn't for me. I don't believe in God, but I do believe that there is something greater and bigger than all of us. And I do believe things happen for a reason. But I don't believe in "if it's meant to be, it will be". Call it whatever you want, but that's not how it works. We are constantly making choices, so it will be whatever you decide you want it to be. Yeah, sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time because life isn't fair. But maybe if you're lucky, you get to meet that person again at the right time, when you have finally gone through through everything you had to to make the second time the right time. Not everyone is that lucky, I know I'm not. I'm not sure I will ever meet the right person, let alone meet him at the wrong, and right, time. Hell, I don't think I will ever meet him. I don't think love is part of my life. All I've ever known is heartbreak anyway, so maybe that's for the best. Right?