This Time I'll Make It

Trouble

I found my Hardin Scott...

And you know what? I wish I hadn't.

We've had sex five times but it wasn't until the last time that I fell in love. I didn't mean to but the things he said that night... Those words ruined me. I didn't want nothing more than sex, I never did. But hearing him say he wanted me to be his.. he wanted us to be together every day.. he wanted to stay with me in that room just the two of us forever.. hearing him say that I was beautiful and adored me.. that he really liked the way I touched his face and kissed him.. that he didn't want to leave marks on me because I didn't deserve to be hurt like that.. All those words ruined me. But the worst part of it all was finding out he meant those words for someone else. The person he actually loves...

I don't blame him, he was drunk and doesn't even remember. I blame myself for saying yes when he asked me to come inside. I should have just gone home. But the look in his eyes when he said all he wanted was for me to hold him in my arms.. how could I leave?

I always thought he was a player, only looking for sex. But after talking to a friend we have in common, I realized he's just damaged. Someone broke him. And I know he's not that bitch he shows, he's so much more than that. I've seen it. He just doesn't let anyone in. I can't save him, even if I wanted to. I can't even save myself.

It's not fair, you know? Falling for a guy who is only going to wake up to life after someone comes and breaks his heart again. He's only going to wake up once he falls in love and realizes he has to fix his heart and let her in.

But that person is not me. And that is what hurts the most. Because I hate seeing him ruin his life like this, getting drunk every day just so he can forget everything, just so he can numb the pain. But there's nothing I can do to help him. He doesn't even let me get close to him.

So even if it hurts me, I'm just going to have to let him go. I can't allow him to hurt me more than he already has. But he will never know that. He will never know how broken he left me.

What's the point of having a bad boy and amazing sex if they're so damaged they only end up breaking you too? I deserve better than to have my heart broken.