Who Is The Right One?

Part 6/ Getting Back to Myself.(Emma's 1st POV)

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   I don't have any idea about how I should move on and forget. I know I will but how though?

   This is so weird and complicated to me! How will I be the gloomy and negative person anywhere or in the circle? I always got used to being the positive one as everyone said. Should I pretend that I'm okay? Should I pretend that I'm still positive! I never was fake, but you can say I am trying to get back myself.

   I really fear the looking eyes to my body, will they think "this body got raped" or "she deserves that she showed up her body" and more of these ill thoughts? I don't know how I'm seriously going to handle that.

   All I know is that I need a break. A break from everything and everyone that may let me blame or hate myself and make me feel guilty for what I was the victim of. Stupid people. Micheal and the community. I trust God, and yeah I started taking more religious lessons to get back more faith that I lost.

   I felt suicidal, every time I look at my body, scars, and remember my reaction when I just discovered I was rapped laying on the ground and him telling me I am a slut and I deserved that just for rejecting being "a slut". How come I know I didn't deserve death but I felt I did, because I saw my coming distorted future and how I will suffer more and more knowing how weak I am and not going to be able to face it.

   Is that because I am a woman and he is a man? Just having a different gender can put me in this dark life.

   I hate how people judge us, women, by virginity, and do not judge us as humans. Yes losing your virginity whether you're a woman or a man before marriage is one of the greatest sins. As it is judged by God to both of them. You human beings chose to judge women on earth. The world would change if it judged all of us as human beings, not genders. A sin is a sin, and the punishment is the same.

   Micheal used me because he knew he was created stronger and I am weaker. Yes, I hate that I am a woman. I hate how my body is different and I hate myself even more if it was like his. But, I think again. No, I love myself and my body. I know I didn't deserve that or less. I knew I deserved to stay happy, not emotionally distorted, and have a body full of scars.

   I thought several times to go to a cosmetic surgeon to remove all the scars. Yeah, I won't move on, but at least I will not face a reminder. Wait, what a joke tho! Are the scars all over my body is the reminder? How about the stuck memory? The voices? The screams!

   I won't deny that what made me feel better is my brother Jackson since he is a Therapist and my supporting Mom and my Step-Dad.

   Yeah, where is my dad? My Dad if he were with me in this situation his opinion on me wouldn't differ from Micheal's. We will discuss this later.

   I hope I can sleep without crying. I hate seeing these awkward dreams and nightmares. Sometimes I dream about people laughing sarcastically, gloating on me. Sometimes being told I deserve to die. Other times I see the scenario. The worst nightmare of them all is that I see how he actually rapped me– although I have actually fainted. I hate this life.

   I'm scared to face people since I am the victim. The community chose to make me the sinner. Expected to find support? Nah! Hate? Yes!

   My mom thought I was missing. Ugh, I even feel bad for making her feel unsafe and threatened. I just went to the bathroom. Can you imagine how much I made her feel? She didn't even think about me being in the toilet before I might be attempting suicide.

   I remembered how I tried to commit suicide. I sat down on the window, thinking, Do I deserve that and Why me? Would I change the world! My mom and my brother still need me. They never left my side. No, I cannot take this anymore. I ask myself, Are you ready to complete your depressing routine till death? Come on you can kill yourself! NO NO NO NO NO never do that go back! You can face that! God chose this for you because he knew you can take that and you will move on. God never put a burden on someone who cannot take it. I wiped my tears, got into my room, washed my face, and went straight to bed.

   I found my mom opening the door, checking on me, hugging me, and spent the night sleeping next to me.

   I wondered how would the scenario differ if my mom opened the door, searching for me, and once she finds me, she finds me dead. She also didn't deserve that.

   At that moment I was sure suicide wasn't the solution or the right choice. I should start my life positively with my negative memories and my smile and try to forget tears. Instead, to be heartbroken, I should start to be inspiring!

   And the battle goes on!...

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I am very sorry for being late! I was busy these days. But I promise to try not to repeat this again. I hope you enjoyed reading the story.

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