Untitled Absurdity

Saturday, June 29th, 2019

My gosh, my underwear almost fell down shamelessly when I walked back home, and I wore a skirt. 

I didn't realise my underwear seams already old enough, I kept it just because of the cute cat picture at the front part of it. 

I went home with defeated and jealousy feelings. 

I am defeated because I am moneyless and so I cannot join the group that will watch movies together in cinema tonight. 

Why? Just why people keep making plans when I am in broke situation. 

That makes me feels even more lonely and left behind. 

Jealousy keeps growing in my heart in unhealthy rate. 

This life is so harsh for me today.  

After I just had holy communion in church, just what kind of blessing is this that I am tasting now?! 

I do have few money left, but that's my granny's sweats finding here and there and sending it for me so I could survive for this month until I could get my proper salary. 

I feel like I was born to just enjoy misery and negativity. 

You know, dear readers, that kind of feelings when you watch people happily in their group without you planning here and there, going somewhere and enjoying the weekend like proper social creatures should be and you/me/us got trapped in our own room wondering how would it be felt like if you/me/us can join those people, because somehow they look so happy, bright and free. 

Like uhm the feeling, when will myself become the main role in my own life?! Seems like even in my own timeline and own story, other people keep becoming the main casts. 

Will I ever be happy? 

Do I feel happy now? 

Do you feel happy now? 

I somehow gain this supreme power called fakeness, I keep faking everything, that I am happy, and I am strong. 

I know I am a hard core introvert, but somehow even as an introvert there is a time when I long for a hand that reaches out to pull me from my misery and enjoying what is called true connection, as human being. 

But still, it becomes a wish that grows further away the more I try to achieve it. 

I must admit it, my dear readers, I am not the cool kid, I am the living being that live in black sun island.

I feel nausea when I saw the pity look of one of Emperor Tsundere's concubines that offer me a chance to join them, but straightly I refused because I don't have enough money. 

I feel lonely, but my ego and pride are such a deadly poisonous combo that makes me feel disgusting for people to feel pity about me. 

I love to do self pity by myself, but I despise pity from others. 

This kind of contradiction is really draining my life energy. 

I know I am not that kind of interesting and attractive people. 

I am too serious, strict, and heavy and salty and sour and bitter. 

It is a miracle for me that people like my family members, and moon lady can survive and still be close to such a wicked, fickle and negativity incarnation like me. 

Oh at least, today few people told me that they think I am beautiful with my new style, and less boyish, yay thank God, I truly tried so hard for this new hairstyle. 

I got disappointed once again in people that used to be called as my friends/family relatives.... 

I guess I cannot really let my guard down. 

Because without me, those maggots will still enjoy their time and continue their life. 

Have you ever had a wish to be needed, to be wanted, to be important for someone and his or her life? 

Basically, I feel my existence in that social circle is faded in such a shocking way.

Wake up oh dear me....

Dear me, you can be happy too.... Loneliness is not that deathly, it is just painful. 

You are you, they are they. 

Let go, and let God

It is a fact, no matter how hard I try to please people to be accepted, I would never be truly part of their group. 

Dear me, IoriRain, I am an outcast/alien/by stander/lonely audience that just can watch from outside line. 

Accept it, and swallow it and enjoy it, or else I will start from square zero again for my mental health matter. 

Dear me, you still have I.... 

Because there is no "I" in team but there are five "I"-s in IndIvIdual BrIllIance (by Mike from Sorted food club) 

Be happy and love I, because no one could do it other than me. 

Doing self love therapy for  a walking pletora of self pity, self hatred and jealousy is such a hard time. 

I wonder if I could ever do something about it...

Phew... Another untitled absurdity of mine