Untitled Absurdity

Monday, July 8th, 2019

Awww, I missed a day to write my diary here. 

And here I am.... 

Have you ever felt the hanging feeling when reading ongoing stories? 

I feel it. And it is such a really frustrating feeling when I spend whole day to read and then at the end I just got cliff hanger, it will cause ruckus in my brain after over powering just for the sake of reading.

My day passed slower than snail. It is so boring that it is too good to be true. And so l tried some online chatting website, the free one of course. But again, why the heck it is that difficult to find a good stranger to talk to. Like most of the times, I end up talking with horny people, and I mean, really? Come on, people. They are better than this. You are human beings that have this so called little slimy mushy thing called brain inside your skeletal bones that can produce complicated abstract things called ideas to exchange and build communication rather than dominantly depend to the so called liquid like stuff called hormones too much. 

Not even a proper hello and introduction, humanity? What are you doing? Even animals recognized the natural steps that need to happen before getting into the more steamy and intimate stuffs. By all means, I am not a person that shy away about sexual and intimate topics. But, everything has the procedures to happen. I know, maybe people would ask me to just never visit that kind of website anymore. Isn't it unfair for people like me who are in search for friends to talk general things, that thrive for a lighthearted conversation instead of the sexual stuffs. 

Is this what I can call mental degradation? Because mostly things nowadays are about physical prowess, how sexy and hot people can show off themselves to public like it was nothing. Well, that's not that worse I guess compare with people who out of nowhere and suddenly proclaim about the sexual needs to a complete stranger. It is truly embarassing and so sad. For me as a woman, sex means emotional bonding, and not just for fooling around. And I guess, this is why I am still single AF. I need it, but somehow why it feels so wrong to see how the morale gets so different, I mean like human beings become less humane than we should be. No more chivalry, manner, proper escorts, proper dates before deciding love or not, compatible or not. And sadly women, I know because I am a woman too, mostly, I hope not all, just keep spreading the legs in exchange, hoping for emotional comfort and ends up getting hurt. It happens not just to women, I bet for men too. 

I miss the days where men are true gentleman, they treat women properly, the age when men chose their women as their representative of their taste, as their half and not just for migrating the tadpoles called sperm. This modern trend somehow makes me feel more insecure mentally and biologically because if I followed the trend, it would mean I just have very slim probability to meet an honest and proper gentleman that would accept me as human beings and not just for the migration destination of the tadpoles, it is even near zero. That's quite sad. 

Mostly the medias just keep providing the stuffs that will make both men and women keep fantazing about it, I mean the physical stuffs, so people would get more people that thirst for them. The world turn into such a lonely world, and I just realised how helpless I am when it comes about this stuff. I should not visit any online chat website again, I guess. Maybe there are still good people who still value good lighthearted conversation out there, too bad today I didn't meet them that much. 

I guess I am not that lucky with communication now, both in physical and online world. Is it because of the Mercury retrogade again, or because the eclipse that happens in Gemini, I wonder... There my astrological side just kicks in again. I wonder what happened in the past that made people decided for 2 different styles of astrological reading. Zodiac usually used for agriculture and navigation purposes, I wonder when did it start that people start using the sky objects to read into people's life and predict stuffs to happen. I wonder if there exists a one astrologer that could read the zodiac of this earth and could predict what would happen, wouldn't it be cool? It would mean that we could predict the doom's day, right? Or any zombie apocalypse that could happen, or other scary but somehow people got addicted to spend their time and money to watch. 

I guess I am just exhausted from all of my work today and caused me to get delirium (is it even a word?) and keep talking nonsense. I feel like this is a drawback effect of forcing and surpressing my so called affection, obsessive infatuation over Emperor Tsundere. Is this what happened to people who are trying to quit nicotine, alcohol and narcotic? See? The feeling that I have for him is not healthy both for me and him. I feel such a pang at the center of my chest. 

It hurts so much. But he is not mine. I cannot do much about this. My ego tries its best to keep the balance equilibrium between my logic and my super dominant emotional side. I wonder how long I can survive and keep this emotionless facade. I still want to scream that how I miss to hug him, that I want to kiss him so badly, that I am doing all this for the sake of peace and pride for both side. How jealous I am to see him smile and talk in such light happy mood with others but not with me. 

My ego prevents me to chase after him. My brain is confused if whether it is good feeling or not. I am too scared to face another rejection from him again. This unexplainable feeling is getting more bothersome and troublesome. But this time I chose to face it by myself. It is such a lonely life in lonely world for me. Missing a person who never miss me, that I could never say freely that I miss him. I lose. I lose my pride, I lose my feelings... Nothing left anymore. I feel a big hollow hole inside me. 

Weird, right? We didn't even share that good collection of happy memories together, but hence I feel I already known him for so long that makes me prioritize him, but now it hurts me but I must regain back my self or else I could not function properly to continue my life. But they said it is not love. So what is this? I even don't even have any courage to face him anymore, no matter how I miss to look at my favorite clear and honest eyes. The eyes that are so strong and deep that made me feel like I have known him for long and so I decided to stop facing him properly when I must talk to him about working stuffs in church, or else I will break again shamelessly. 

If only you would know.... If only I could say to him how lovable, addictive and unique he is that I want to exchange my life time just to be with him and treasure him. 

I am just a helpless woman, what else can I do other than whining here over my shameless self? And how fragile the equilibrium of my logic and emotion is... One day I could be so strong and composed and unbothered and the other day I would be so messy and moody. That I also wish I could be loved back. That his eyes would look at me too, that he would smile to me too. That at least I would feel nothing about him and so I can face him properly when I talk to him. I am such a helpless, hopeless train wreck. 

To the you who already rejected me, who I wrongly translated your kindness for many times, who I just can see from a far and pray for, who is so lovable, addictive and warm, if this is wrong, I want to be wrong, my time had been stopping to move, and it became broken clock since I met you, that my life got turned upside down, and I must face all my darkness, to you who I already shed so many tears in silence or even hysterically alone because of this desire to meet you soon....I miss you that I spend 2 sleepless night already since our last meeting last week. 

Emperor Tsundered, you didn't know right that Hiro is not that so called my man? It is I who is so despicable and shameful that chose to carry that plan in hope of taking back my dignity and pride. I get my pride, but is that really pride, why I feel nothing, not even proud of this achievement? 

Just for a moment, God, please let me free from this shackle... It hurts so much already, please just slap me and tell me that this is it, the end. Please give it a rest for me, I already walked away this far from him, but why I cannot move freely and keep getting pulled back and ended in the same gutter. Mercy please God... If you say stop then things will get stop, if you stop me, I won't be able to move and stay still, if you say go, I will go. I want a happy ending too, God. My brain is too slow to comprehend all these complicated stuffs called emotions, feelings, love and human being and connection. What am I? Who am I? Why did you make me meet him? 

I am in swamp again. I lose the battle again, huh....