Untitled Absurdity

Thursday, July 4th, 2019

I am so exhausted on my first day to work again as a teacher. And I am so grateful that I chose to cut my hair short. All the movements and talking, it dires my energy so much. But I feel happier in comparison with my mood when I work in the office. It is so different. I also bought a pair of new black flat shoes because apparently it is a requirement in this school. I still prefer snickers though. 

Ugh, my anxiety just kicked in again. I wonder if the students would like me and whether they could understand my teaching or not. Oh, this last half of this year would be thrilling and exciting. Well, that's my pure intention which is to work myself beyond mercy to the point that there will be no space for me to think about all the sentiments and resentments that I have. To be unbothered, to show that I also have a life and that I am happier now compare to the me before who is so desperate to be accepted socially. I am still desperate inside though, but this would be my secret here, no one will know, right? Just internet, not a big deal, right? #akwardlaugh #wink

When I feel tired like now I feel somehow homesick out of nowhere and missing my granny's cooking. I miss to eat the hot and spicy clear soup, tofu fritters, cassava leaves with papaya flowers sauteed with onion, garlic and chilli, sauteed banana flower, jackfruit chowder, tofu curry, sweet coconut milk with banana, shaksuka, eggplant shaksuka, and mung bean sweet porridge, wew quite a lot. I am such a big eater, I wonder why people keep telling me that I am malnutrition and that I am too lazy to eat when actually I could eat quite a lot. Maybe the problem is I am such a very nitpicky eater and very slow too. I gave up one of my favorite meal which is rice, because it takes hours for me to finish my meal if I have rice with me, I love to savour every sweetness of rice and its combination with the other dishes, bite by bite, it is an experience for me and not just to sustain my life force. 

The meal tasted great when we could enjoy every last bit of it and have people to share, the real dining experience that becomes rare nowadays. I always dream to enjoy meal together with my family or with people, laugh together or share something, such a blissful moment. Emperor Tsunder failed to understand this value, I guess. We had an argument before when he agreed to treat me, I picked something cheap and he disagreed with it, and asked me to have other stuffs, and I got mad, why didn't he let me chose my own meal? Cheap or not, healthy or not, why must he had an argument like that, and it was just a moment before we would have the meal, and I refused and cancelled and went home. I wanted to enjoy something simple and so I could spend more time with him. I know, it sounds absurd. See? It just cannot work between Emperor Tsundere and me. 

I agree to the fact that man is somewhat created to be more dominant than woman, and I prefer that way too. But, I disagree with how most of men treat women like their prey instead of a human being that will be their life partner. The dating stuffs, love stuff, for them mostly it is all about the thrilling feeling of curiosity and chasing after the woman, but and then they will complain that women are too hard to understand or too complicated, but then when the women started to speak their mind, the men said that it is a turn off for them. They love the game of hard to get by women and then mind games, just to protect their very fragile masculinity. Like, I mean, really? Gentlemen? Why would you guys be like that? 

I bet most of us had ever watched the videos by dating coaches with their big rule is women must act unbothered, hard to get, don't be too available and make the chasing game exciting, and then I thought, after the chasing game, what's next? How long women must be this so called irrational emotional creature, when we actually can function properly, because I experienced before, after the men get their target, they lose all the excitement and there comes the boredom, and mostly the infidelity will follow after that. 

I think this phenomena happen to many people and relevant for men too. The phenomena that comes after the chasing game which is the boredom, when one side (both men and women) shows their vulnerability side, love and being devoted, than their partner would complain that it is suffocating, or their partner is too clingy, unhealthy codependentship, like really? They should never try to come in and make their current partner to show their soft under belly and after that hurt them by leaving them with that kind of reasoning like boredom, too clingy and so onand so on. Don't chase, don't feel curious if you are not strong enough to know the real person and his or her emotional baggage and intensity, just don't do that, please treat the relationship properly and not just something shallow to pass the time, especially if money and sex already involved, and the emotional investment too. Things will be so ugly when one of the side of the relationship wants a break up. 

I am a sour, salty, bitterish person. I experienced things with deep and heavy intensity, I wear my heart on my sleeves. Few people said that I am too easy, and it hurts, that I must play hard to get, and then push and pull and then never love a person for 100% and always be willing to walk away and keep my options open, and then be sincere, and that women just need to wait for men to chase, are we still the underdeveloped cave men and women? 

I know all those tricks above work well for others, but even so, I refuse to do that, I refuse to just be the lady in waiting, I speak up my mind and heart out to the world. And that's my dear readers is the very sole reason I am single AF, maybe, I guess, does it even make sense? I don't know, but I just dislike the passive agressive game in the name of love that actually it so toxic and confusing. Why people must make it hard, why cannot people just say like is like and don't like is don't like and just keep moving instead of being an idiot like me that trapped myself with the romanticized idea that love must sacrifice and endure all things, like hell no! That kind of act and service should jusy be done when there is a physical manifestasion called commitment from a trustworthy person that lives his words truly. 

The tragedy is that I am such a fool to fall into same holes many times. I overuse my emotional gear set and coming up with delusion that I love a person. Because here is the case, the hardest part is not falling in love or chasing the love, it is the other opposite of it, the hardest part about love is the very passive and boring one which is to stay in love with the person that I choose even to the point that I realise that it is a wrong choice. I must carry the penalty now that the feelings, emotions and memories are things that I cannot undo. Even when I already stated my new verdict to leave things, there will be the remaining things here and there, and that's just hectic. 

I guess I am not that wise and smart enough deciphering human behaviours and even my behaviours. I wasted years of my life time to choose and stay in love with a person that never even realise that I exist, my existence for him is simply just for helping him when he doesn't have that many people to work for his music projects and stuffs. I am not even in his friends' list. And here I am foolishly thinking by being a martyr and always support him and be obedience, one day he will realise my true value. 

You see the paradox? I insist that I don't need to play hard to get, indeed, very true because I see it from the wrong perspective. It is not play hard to get, it is to be wise enough to filter people and see if they are decent and worthy enough of my time. Because mostly women use emotional gear set more often than men. Well, this is not just for women though, it is relatable for men too. The thing is we need what we call friendship, without being trapped in friend zone of course. A healthy boundary between self love and the love for others. To keep our brain clear from anu excessive chemical reaction and hormones that will cause us to justify everything that our crush do to us and pathetically sacrifice our own happiness. 

Like stop it for a moment, and ask, am I happy with this person? Can I handle this for long term involvement? And be brutally honest, stop making excuses. 

Open your eyes, IoriRain, he never looks at you. He doesn't understand your deep devotion, he translates it as obsession, he is happy without you, he invites all the girls except you! So stop tarnishing your very own image, and get a life, IoriRain! Stop crying! He doesn't deserve your tears! The ideal one is a pseudo one, you fell in love with your own wish and imagination. You deserve to be happy, IoriRain. Your eyes are beautiful, your lips are plump, you have slender body, your hair is pitch black, your nose is cute, no one can be more you, than you. 

Talk to yourself too, my dear readers. Pursue your own happiness in a healthy and fair way, and don't involve yourself anymore in toxic relationship or people. Don't be afraid to live and die alone, keep living your best and pray. Somehow, somewhere out there, there is a person that is also praying to meet you soon. So take care of yourself so when you meet this very long awaited person, you are in your A game, best looking version, and you will be all that the very person need and it will work the same way for you too. Love is created to make our life felt better and not the other way, miserable. 

Go get a life, a hobby, or start writing your frustration like me, my dear readers, who knows maybe you will be great author, and so we can be reader for each other, yay. 

No matter how absurd you are or your life, it will never be too absurd for that very special person that will come in our life and be absurd together, hehehehehehehehe.... After all, love comes or grows from the familiarity over a pattern of absurdity, hehehehehehehehehe there my absurdity goes again, does it even makes sense to you, my dear readers?