Untitled Absurdity

Sunday, June 30th, 2019

And here I am spending my sunday lazily on my bed doing nothing but going back and forth to open my phone and close it, and open again and close it with a painful wish inside me that anybody, somebody that would miss me and text me or call me, I am in need of humanely conversation after last night tragic left behind moment. 

I sound overboard, right? I proclaimed I am an introvert but at the same time I scream that I need attention too, what walking paradox I am! 

Is this the risk to be an INFJ person? 

I need people in my life, but at the same time I am still confused in how to maintain a safe and healthy boundaries to protect me from being people pleaser and attention seeker but a sincere person I wish I could be. 

Indeed doing something good for people feels nice and gives good effect to be a human wholly.  But and then, I cannot help but screamed inside my heart when people takes for granted my existence and good will and left me behind after I served the purpose they need me to do in their life.  

I need people but at the same time I get scared that I cannot become sincere anymore and keep suspecting people all the time or being hurt because of their being dense about my being and feelings.  The irony when I try so hard to consider others' feelings and thoughts and I get treated differently from my effort for them, to be precised by those adolescents and adults around me.  Here I am trying my best to do the golden karma Bible verse from Matthew 7: 12 and Galatians 6:7, but I feel bad and somehow I get scared I cannot be sincere anymore, and turned myself like those people who I had badmouthed or will badmouth about their treatment to me. 

Like this urge to be accepted and to be needed and to be important are like rotten cancers that consume my whole being slowly but surely. 

I wonder if those people ever think how would I feel when they treat me like that.  

Am I being oversensitive? What is wrong to be oversensitive when I am the one that always bear the resentment and all painful feelings by myself and suffered inside? 

I never ask or want people to change, why would they ask me to change? And when they stop asking me to change, they just give up and leave.  And it gives such a result that makes me question my birth and existence? Am I that bad? Am I that disgusting? Am I not fun at all? Am I joke to them? What am I? 

It is such a painful thing when I treasure people to an extent they are more important than myself and then I realise that I am not in the same position in their life.  I know they never ask me to over value them, or treat them nicely, but even just an ounce of consideration of my feelings and well being won't hurt them if they do it, right? 

Not all the people in my life like that though, mostly but not all.  The thing is the people who are nice to me live so far from me and the people whose existence are an eyesore for me are the one that live around me or I must meet them periodically.  And my jealousy keeps growing and growing because those eyesores look happy all the time in front of me, they have the love life that I want, they have the stabile career life that I want, they are accepted in social circle easily when I am not..... What have I done wrong? I have tried those things they did but I gain nothing, I achieved nothing! 

People may think or say that I keep looking to others and their blessing instead of focussing to myself and what I have.... 

I am trying to do that, I swear I try.... 

But loneliness is such a creepy addictive cancer to me.  

It gets worse when a close friend of mine who exactly knows how hard I pursued a man and she even mocked me and my choice, is now having good time with that man that she already mocked in front of me and said that she will never like that man.  Now she is over heels to that man.  And that man who rejected me, after all my attempts and honesty, enjoyed the same things from that lady (I cannot call that woman my friend anymore, it hurts me).  And the worse thing is I must see them every week in church!!!