Untitled Absurdity

Monday, July 1st, 2019

Owwwww yay, finally I could make another story today.  Lately I am quite obsessed to read arranged marriage stories, and I think hey why don't I make my own version? I like the formula of most of the arranged marriage stories here, there will be mega ultra rich people, the lady dislikes the gentleman, and there will dispute here and there, things get steamy and intimate, and tada they fell for each other, and suddenly there will be problems whether from the past or family or secret financial problem but things got handled miraculously and then there the lady will get pregnant and they get kids, and they live happily ever after.  

All those stories really make me sometimes wish I could live in their world of romcom and fantasy, I like the stories but at the same time I envy the main protaganist no matter how relatable her character with majority of women and their characters are.  Like wow, when they are in a pinch, somehow a very sweet prince charming would be there and save the day, that's very sweet that it could cause for overdose of sugar and makes me get diabetes and even if I know it, I would still read it. 

And as usual after the last chapter, I would end up being empty and miserable again because I realise I am still in my reality, and I am not that lucky protaganist with cinderella luck.  And I must deal with all the adult shit alone without anybody beside me.  It makes me want to try a little bit of my own version to mix it up with the usual formula and I want to see how it will go, it will still full of imaginary things though, after all we write story mostly to escape the reality, right? Movies, songs, dramas, personally for me are my escapism.  Just like a lie, the more advance a liar can mix between the true lie and the truth to their own golden ratio, the more perfect the lie can be to be believed or trusted, and there goes with stories too, the more advanced the author mix between a life trend/society issue with his or her own fantasy, the better the story will become, because the true delight for a reader like me is when I could feel some familiarity or I could feel relatable and then join in to fantasize together with the author of how the story will end, will we have similar taste or will the author choose different ending, that's my joy when I enjoy stories/movies/dramas. 

Have you ever had a feeling that you don't belong to the place that you are living now? I personally and constantly feel it, and I think it becomes my fuel to write some stuffs here. My depression become my muse to write? Does it even make sense to you, dear readers? Well, I read from internet that great artist like Van Gogh produced his masterpieces when he was in the middle of hard time, one of my favorites of his work which is Iris painting that was painted when Van Gogh was in asylum.  He survived during his hard time and turned it into amazing works.   

Isn't human being a great creation by our Creator? We are created with a built-in survival kit inside us to adapt to our life that constantly changes, even for the person that is so allergic to change like me, somehow one way or another, I also adapt myself to the changes around me.  Because I can accept it or not, I am still alive.  And no matter how many times I wish I can be excused from this life, I still want to die with a death situation that somewhat I can be proud about (hahahahaha it is quite an impossible wish, right? How would I feel proud if I already died, right?) 

I mean in a way like I know I am a coward, but I don't want to die because of drugs overdose or something like that, if I am allowed to choose how I meet death, I want a natural death because of aging or gloriously died in saving others or helping others like a hero, hahahahahahahaha I am really such a too idealistic person.  As I already stated before, I am full of ego and pride, indeed I quite romanticized the victim mentality idea, I love to do self pity, but at the same time I despise the feeling of being pitied by others, suicidal death or hurting myself is out of the list, because if I was born as a pheasant at least I could die in glory of achieving something good that the generation after me would be proud to tell about me (whether my students or my kids). 

That is also my reason to separate myself from the social circle around me, let's say I choose to be arrogant and snobby, but my hardcore insecurity, victim mentality and self concious would just make me as the disgusting clown in the group, and I will never be healthy and reach my glorious heritage and death goal if I stay and communicate with those people.  

They are good enough with themselves around.  I am the one that is kinda kinky, dorky and bad in socializing and very nitpicky that chose to leave, it hurts a lot but I realise that my mental capacity, my love capacity, my overall capacity cannot deal with that many people in their level.  Shallow conversations, following trends lifestyle and other stuffs that I don't understand why people do but they do, I must admit I cannot follow their steps, whether my way of thinking that is too old, or I am a late bloomer, or just over sensitive person, I don't know.  I will be more lonely now, because of this decision, I know I am so pessimist and easy to give up, but it is part of me.  I am tired to fight it off, I am trying to admit what I don't have, what I have, my insecurities and then deal with it as much as I could, and being with those people would just make me keep comparing myself. 

It is time to back off and takes some preventive action to save my heart from another wounds. 

Because the world would not give a shit when I get hurt.  Life will still go on with or without me.  

I must decide my own timeline, my way of doing things, and throw it to the world and its people, take it or leave it.

I know somewhere out there, there are still people that kind enough to slower their pace and take sometimes to interact with me, but maybe later, not tomorrow or next 6 months. 

I must accept it now, the evidences are more than enough for these past 3 years since I arrived on this island and entered the church, that I am an outcast, odd ball, weirdo.  And I am tired to fight to be approved and gain some attention or get a good place to belong.... 

My worship should just be focus to my God, do the right things of what I know, killing myself inside so I won't have any bad feeling to take revenge and being petty, and work hard on it, and focus to work to be paid, and pay the bills, pay my debts to my family and starting to prepare for my retirement plan because who knows if I will ever meet a man that will accept me and my standard and be faithful to me in marriage, in case I couldn't find, or I choose for abstinence because I don't want to lower my standard and I am tired to believe in true love and its sappy happy ending, or I cannot find a man that can make me feel familiar enough, then I must prepare to live whole life alone. 

I must admit it is indeed scary and sad.  But life nowadays is even harder to have true sincere person to be with.  Unconditional love just happen in Holy Bible, everybody has their own agenda here and there when they will enter a relationship and for a person like me who  don't even know what is my list of categories for a man in relationship, it is scary to enter one.  

I cannot deal with complete stranger, I need to be friend for quite sometime to build a feeling for a man.  But well, my experiences told different stuffs, most of my male close friends would think me as their sister, best friend or even their mother, like really guys? And I end up to be the matchmaker for them.  I can read people but they mostly cannot do the same for me.  

It happens again and again and again, many times already, therefore I start to lose faith in love, and relationship. 

True connection where a very raw, passionate, intense but sincere feelings can be put on and I can get the equality, I can get the same amount in return.... I wonder if such connection ever exist for me.  I wonder what is in God's blue print when God created me.