Untitled Absurdity

Tuesday, July 9th, 2019

I am freaking exhausted today but at the same time happy too. 

Working as a teacher doesn't really give me that much money buy the dynamic in every classes that I teach surely give me something else that make me continue to wonder what will happen tomorrow in the next class meeting. Isn't it wonderful? I don't mean to brag about being a teacher but truly it is a big challenge for a person like me in presenting myself between being a smiley comrade and the wicked dictactor in class. It is an art in maintaining the atmosphere in class. 

I think personally that all teachers can win Oscar for their sleek acting skill. Because teachers must always be fit and alright all the time, no matter what happen at home, when the teachers enter the class, they must leave everything behind and play the role as the teacher with smile. It is more hectic than office work, I must deal with bunch of human beings that are unstable under the trial and error process called learning, every possibilities can happen, there is no single absolute formule to guarantee a smooth sailing in a day of teaching. I must brace my self and stay calm and composed in all situation like a fire fighter who is facing the fire or a surgeon who is in the middle of working to save people in operation room. And the results will always be a surprise that come later after years passed, whether the students grow into decent adults or another garbage that need to be maintained by the society. The effect is long lasting. The time consumed is like working with a bonsai tree, but the effect is fatale, just a single misconduct can cause a lifetime failure. The risk to be a teacher is so real. 

I want to sow seeds of survival skill and broken hearted aid into my kids. Watching human beings grow day by day is so fascinating. God never stops in surprising me, I am so amazed by human beings, of how delicate God created .the human beings, and the effort into growing, developing, nurturing, consoling, protecting, and the list go on. The struggle of parenthood is real. The 8-10 hours that get trusted to teachers around school time makes me realise how hard and challenging is the role of a parent. Will I be a good parent for my kids? Will they love me? Will they hate me? Will they forget me? Will I be there for my kids? 

I guess this the very first time that I am being grateful I am a woman. Only women that can experience the life and death situation called child labor or giving birth, from the morning sickness, unstable emotions, look ugly, drowsiness, some even give up their carreer, and so much more. I never think about this before about what kind off things that my mom must give up when she was having me. How did she feel when she gave up those things? And after those things, gave me to my granny, and of course my granny struggle too, and after all of their struggle, many times we end up in arguments and brawling, I wonder how did they feel after those times passed. 

Will be good enough to be a mother?