Untitled Absurdity

Tuesday, July 2nd, 2019

I love hug, I want a big warm hug. 

And I wish men could have a week in every years to experience menstruation. 

Today I had quite an arguments of whether my dream last night about Emperor Tsundere is because deep within my heart I miss him, and I said no, why the hell I miss a man that never think I exist.  Last Saturday was such a big eye opening experience that after all these 3 years, I am truly not in his friendship circle at all.  He and one of his concubine arranged a gathering, and I was the only one that didn't know it, until his brother accidentaly said and I got curious and I asked and bam! Welcome back to earth, dear me.  

It hurts, and that's why I thought that it is time for detachment.  And I just cannot accept it that the Moon Lady insisted that I still miss him. By the love of pancakes how is that even possible?! I don't know for future, but for now, over my dead body if I would want to extend my self, or being vulnerable again around those people. It is such a devastating thing when I tried my best to lower my guard, being vulnerable in a quest for good and long lasting friendship and relationship and then the thing that I got is some cat shit rubbed on my face (read: pity from his concubine and it hurts my ego a lot). 

Like really? 

I was quite disappointed though that the Moon Lady said something like that, I know she is always right in most of our arguments in our 8 years friendship.  But not for this one, I am honest enough to admit my own emotions, if I miss, I will say I miss, if not then it means it I don't.  I don't need to tell me what is deep inside my heart when no body ever entered it other than God because He simply can.  I regret to tell about that shitty dream to the Moon Lady.  That dream doesn't mean anything, it is simple just a coincidence that I dream a baby and Emperor Tsundere at the same time, and it got repeated twice, nothing big there. 

I am so in tune with my emotions now.  That is my super power and my weakness at the same time. And I don't want to get myself overexposured again by getting tangled with others and their emotions.  My own vulnerability got taken for granted by those women and men.  And I guess it is not just me that experienced this stuffs. I know people say that keeping the victim mentality is wrong, but at the same time, inside my own emotion atmosphere it is a valid one. Because I would never harbor any resentment over innocent people even the bad people, I would still try to be polite and nice enough, but once I got stepped down or I felt I got treated like a shit, even if they never feel they did that, I will still say, they did. 

Because what they think they have done good for me usually is just from their own perspective. They never ask about how would I feel or think, they just don't when I am the one that try my best to consider their feelings and thoughts.  This is also is one of the reason I have good friendship with Moon Lady, because we exchange thoughts about how things would affect us in good or bad way, so we can do the good one and avoid the bad one.  

I am not a person that can deal enough when things got screwed up, in other words, I lack of personal development. Because the older I become the more scared I am to open up myself again, not after all those unhealthy rivalries, competitions, self comparing, being left out, alienated, gaslighted and other stuffs that actually, they are minor problems that as an adult, I should be able to handle those things, but when those things got repeated again and again, I wonder am I the idiot one, or are they the toxic one? I am not good to be a judge here, it will be biased of course. 

So, instead of judging here and there, I would just take steps back, and detach myself.  Let them do their stuffs and I do my life here. Enough is enough. I need time to regain my self confidence back and deal with people again. I am too disappointed with them. To think I get this shit from them who actually are the one that should support me and help me, I guess expect too much from them and projecting my own weakness and wishes to them. Expectation is my biggest crime and disappointment is the punishment, life long punishment. 

Ahahahahahaha... Another good day, I just had a call with the Moon Lady.  And deal with the issue I just stated above.  Takes 3 hours of call, and we discussed many things. One thing for sure is we agreed that everything is fair when it comes to war and love. For this case is I don't want to lose anymore in front of Emperor Tsundere and his concubines, I am desperated to show that I can be happy without them.  And for that reason, I already utilized a plan to use my senior when I was in high school to be my decoy or fake male friend to show that I have someone now and I also have life outside their circle. 

And it is funny though, when I realised that my face and this senior of mine, uhm let's call him Hiro is similar.  We both have almond shape eyes and whitish dusty face complexion. I really wish this plan would work. This is not to get Emperor Tsundere's attention, but to show him that I can be happy too when he already rejected me and busy with his harem. I don't know whether this is a wise decision or not. I just know that I want to save my pride and dignity. My last stand as a woman who are exhausted from the chasing, and already admitted defeat. Now, with my last pieces of dignity, I must stand again and be strong. 

And I am happy that the Moon Lady will help me. She is a meek lady but when this time comes she can change into a really completely different person, a badass witch, I must say, with her supreme power and experiences in the battlefield, this will be a fierce war. Because it is not only me who live in black sun island that suffers, she also experiences the similar case at her place, on the moon. Well, I don't mean to generalize, but most men, wherever they are in this universe shares same treat which is they all can be jerk (Except God, because well He is God). 

I want to see their faces when they know that I am in close relationship with a man. How they will react, I wonder, I bet that shitty concubine of Emperor Tsundere would be delighted and feel free to stick to him like there is no tomorrow. Whatever. I realise that he will never be able to fulfill my expectation of a true man for me, and I cannot lower my standard again. I don't want to settle for less. 

My dear readers, no matter who you are, man or woman, please, never ever settle for less or lower your standard to attract a person or to make them stay, don't give the power over your happiness that easily, let the time test be passed, and that your happiness is your own responsibility, be willing to walk away if you are not treated with respect, love and care, just walk away, show your worth, you can do it, only we ourselves that can help ourselves from the shitty heartbreaking situation.  

You are special, one of a kind, God never settle less for you. So you also must never settle your value lesser than others, no matter how deep your self hatred and self insecurities about like mine, if not you that love yourself, who else can do it first? (Warning: self love and egoist is a 2 similar but very different things, so be careful, don't be swallowed by the environment)