Untitled Absurdity

Wednesday, July 3rd, 2019

I just realised that my right armpit is more smelly than the left one. 

And I also just realised that I have a tendency to be a covert narcissist. Wait, what? Because after I reread my entries here, I keep playing the victim mentality and from the perspective that I am the right one. It makes me worse than all those people that I judge guilty that because of them I experienced mental breakdown. I don't really understand actually, but I guess this is some kind of intagible spectrum that hardly can be detected by myself or most people generally because mostly the famous narcissist or bully shows in physical way like in movies, like cinderella's step sisters and her step mother, or mean girl movie. 

When actually, the covert one or the intagible one that is deeper and harder to be handled. Usually the covert narcisisst will be the people that somehow would willingly play the martyr role, or the other side, becomes the victim, the right one and no body ever can understand. This is very close with a true victim and people like me that will always feel as a victim, like it is very rare to hear good news from person like me, because I am not good in handling good stuffs and news but am really advanced in handly shady and gloomy side of the life. 

And this personality disorder is dangerous because there is no medication like there is for mental disorder. And because of this fact, that I promise to myself I must diligently write things here as my preventive way to give a space for my chaotic emo crybaby self so it won't explode out of nowhere at wrong time and that will make me regret it. 

Self pity, self hatred, victim mentality are demonic trio that will trigger something bigger like sociopath mentality. And it all start from loneliness. I don't want to judge anybody here, but based on my personal experience, human being can be cruel when they discover or meet or find something or someone who is different from the rest of the communities to protect their own happiness or safety. Hence people that have something different whether they will accept it and stand against the stream or camouflage into the society but still the result will be frustration if they cannot find a source or a person that will accept them as the way they are and adore them. 

One of the trait for covert narcissist is also the feeling of one self to be specially unique that deserve special treatment. Well, maybe if it is something really rare like savant syndrome, photographic memory, good singer and other things that really deserved to be treated different. For the case of covert marcissist like me, I don't have high IQ score, my voice is not like Celine Dion's, my body is not like Victoria Secret's models, I don't have any supreme power, unique hobby or skills, completely ordinary from a humble pheasant family. But because of lack of social interaction skill, I demand different treatment from people as the hypersensitive person, weak and fragile person and the worse is I can blame others for my failure in surviving the life in community that make feel left out. 

Well, no one wants to be in fault, right? And I will strive myself to always do good things in the community to cover for my biggest weakness which is my lack of social skill. I am a hypocrite. I truly care for my image, especially when I am still the love slave these past 3 years, I keep forcing myself to look as a good lady, different from the common so Enperor Tsundere and his parents would notice me and think that I am decent enough to enter their family. When actually I am big mess that is beyond mercy. I become martyr too, to the point of selling my private informations to the public in hope that I will look relatable, approachable and weak like what I usually watch in drama and movie. When actually I gain a complete opposite of result which is the situation that I become a pick-me woman, the always available woman, and the worst it I sacrificed my life healthy boundary and become people doormat, in order to gain the favour of the community, at the end I gain nothing but heartache. 

And after that, I started to grow resentment against people. But later on, after I feel exhausted with all the negativity I project here and there, I learned that how idiot I am to sacrifice my value, dignity and borderline when no one even asks for me to do that. I, myself that come up with the idea to be the ideal good lady, when actually it is not ideal at all. Instead of getting love, I fall deeper into the rabbit hole of resentment, hatred, jealousy and pettiness. I suffer a lot, but no one would give shit about it, particularly no one in context of the community here, and not my family or the Moon Lady. I mean for those people who I chase and sell myself so I could gain a position inside, but then it backfired me and now here I am, I suffer from personality disorder, not officially though, because I don't have that much money to pay the psychiatrist and the test. 

I just can feel it, that my mental breaks slowly, and my heart becomes rotten. 

The art of forgiveness and forgetting is truly difficult for a person like me that love to nurture the wicked and fickle hatred and jealousy, to settle the score. It is truly better for people whose anger is tangible rather than intagible like mine, I will save every memories and the hostility that I feel because of people and count them one by one, it is scary. Have you, my dear readers, felt scared over yourself? About how your jealousy, hatred, resentment, frustration, irritation incarnation is more scary than the devil, himself? 

I feel it now. 

I am in constant fierce battle to surpress the things under control and start to build healthy boundary. I need to save my heart. Things lately get out of control to the point I can feel physical pain when I must sit around or near those people like Emperor Tsundere and his concubines, and the bigger communities, and it is very uncomfortable. 

The fear of missing out is so real for me. But I keep trying to put mental shackles and chains to prevent myself from engaging with those people, because I am not ready emotionally. I will overthink every informations that I have or gain in order to foretell or predict future events because of my fear of missing out and my fear of getting hurt. 

Well, things that are over limit will always be bad for our well being

 And my first step to balance myself from all these overwhelming and suffocating stuffs is by admitting everything about how idiot and shameful but relaxing this series of bad habits of mine. And so, it will be easier for me to change and transform myself. 

I do this because well, human being will never want to change something that they don't acknowledge. When we acknowledge it, that means it exists, and so it can be changed. 

So, my dear readers, how about you? Do you have something that you always put at back of your mind to make things easier and faster but now you realise it grows in rapid fashion and unhealthy? Wouldn't it better if you start to acknowledge its existence and so you can start to fix it and ask for a help. 

Don't your secret will be safe here and I won't judge you.