Untitled Absurdity

Tuesday, March 10th, 2020

Whoaaa after so long of my laziness, I am still lazy though...
Like an incurable disease.
Ehehehehe

Owww but I must keep writing something for the sake of keeping a record for the activities of my debilitated brain, so when I will grow older and older and reach my end, I can have something to read and laugh about on my dying bed.

First thing first, I finally ended the innuendo with the too good to be true man. Well, he is not that too good to be true though. He already got engaged with a woman, been in relationship for over 5+ years (I forgot the exact number, but who cares) and still has a thing to throw himself to me. Funny, right? Because for the first time in my life, a guy threw himself to me.... Even after many times of rejection, because of my pride, I don't want to divide any attention for myself.... And my instinct told me that he came to me just because he was in the middle of facing something in his current relationship.

So in other word, he couldn't fulfill my primitive wish: building a relationship- a family.

Sad
But somehow this kind of sadness is not that bothersome as I thought first it would be like all of the old chapters in my life.
But indeed it makes me feel more empty.

I think and feel that I want to give up another primitive wish of mine....
Maybe I am not proper enough to be in any healthy relationship.
And living alone is not that scary as I thought first.

I enjoy my self more now.
And currently developing new addiction to skin care.
I don't want to look that old.
I want to look even more and more flawless.
Reaching perfection for my skin for my standard, hehehehe
In other words, developing new obsession about myself.
Quite healthy, eh?
Obsessing with myself, getting more selfish, more crude and reaching towards my end goal: to be cold and heartless.

Sounds like I am taking revenge against myself.
Maybe

But I feel quite good. So i guess it is fine?

And finding new hobbies...
Should I try embroidery? Or baking? Or getting serious about writing?
Or maybe trying to find a scholarship.
Having a secluded isolated life but still producing money of my own...
That would be my new goal.
Dealing with people.... To be precise: adults is troublesome and a pain in my ass.

I don't want to live a life where I must explain myself or fit my self into some standards...
Sounds kinda bad for my current profession as a teacher, right?

I am truly such an entitled person...
Full of entitlements around me.
Yup yup...
I become more and more hateful and dark.
Am I still me?
Yes, I am still me
But in a more different frequency.

I question the need of human beings for relationship and social life.

How far? How deep? How much should a person be invested in a social circle/relationship/community?

It is so tiresome when you keep considering things here and there for others but no one really can understand how to be considerate for me.

Well, this is not the first time for me to be judged as an anti social person at my workplace though...
Because I simply don't want to be nosy about people.
I talk just when it is needed.
Faking smile and expression are kinda tiresome and bothersome and annoying.

Hmmm...felt like a deja vu....
I keep repeating the same cycle.