Untitled Absurdity

Thursday, July 11th, 2019

Do you believe in fate and destiny? 

Have you ever thought about them before? 

Strangely the theme of my day today is fate and destiny. And I stand on the fence, I couldn't really believe about them, because in Jeremiah 29:11, James 1:17 and Romans 8:28, the Words said that things already designed and wonderfully crafted by God, but at the same times, there are moments when as a human being I just cannot help myself but to think about destiny, so I just made up my mind and decided that destiny or fate is God's life mapping for me, there are plenty of routes and destinations and things would somehow end up at the places their supposed to be after following our route of choices and decisions. Kinda confusing, right?

I was tempted by my emotion to romanticize this very idea of destiny, especially when it comes about love, wew that's pretty sick and toxic, I mean for the end result. I am standing at the crossroad now to decide whether I will stay and see what will happen or walk away and leave things completely behind about my feelings. I feel idiot and hopeless, I wonder if I already made the right decision and not just an easy decision to work in school as a teacher with a lower salary than the one that offered by the company and triple the workload. I wonder what my heart truly desires and wants, have I chosen the right one? Have I done my best? What am I going to do with my life? I am striving for an easy life but I keep ending my self to have harder life than before, what kind of idiocy I am doing now? 

It makes my heart quivers in anxiety whetherI I will walk away from him or stay. But I think it is a different matter and not valid enough to be compared to each other. I keep boasting here and there how prideful I am with the decision that I made, but actually deep inside, I wonder if I decided the right one. Maybe this caused by my insecurities that constantly comparing myself to others and only see the 3D stuffs in front of me and fail to see things beyond. 

The more I strive and hunger and desire for money and love, the more I lose them and the grip of myself. Is this the effect of having Ketu in my ascendant house and Rahu in my seventh house for my lagna and rasi chart, Rahu in my first house and Ketu in my seventh house, together with mercury in my navamsha chart? 

That's very weird of me, right? I study Christianity religiously but at the same time I do research about sidereal astrology. Will I end up be like the shaman that got visited by Saul to ask her help to invoke Samuel's spirit? Well, I don't study necromancy and dark magic though, so I think and feel that I won't. My sole purpose is actually about sow and reaping calendar in the past that mostly relied heavily on the sky objects which in the case are stars and moon, oh and for navigation too. And then I got swayed around and end up read things about sidereal astrology, I never think that it will be that complicated to learn about the birth chart just like how complicated it is to learn about the prophecy in book of Daniel and book of Revelation in the Holy Bible. 

If the story of tower of Babel didn't happen, and human beings' language and communication were not scattered around, will we get a better picture about stuffs here and there including religion? Because seems like nowadays, people don't really take religion and spiritual stuffs seriously and just do the things that can ensure their convenience and good image, mostly, not all, and it just projected massively in the social media. I guess my faith is the one that lacks of fire to keep lighting inside me, and I must say that it is not a good fact that I just realised it now. 

Maybe I am still scared about my future. 

Maybe I still cannot fully accept my defeat when it comes about my idiocy in love matter. 

I am really such a spoiled ungrateful brat, right? 

I wish I could cover my senses and just pushing myself forward. 

I know my current workload is triple the amount of the workload in the office, indeed I am exhausted beyond repaired, my sirkadian rhythm must be resettled again, and here I am wondering when I can meet those youngsters again, and whether I could do my plan with them to organize a ministry and cursing myself in my room when I rewind my performance in class. My days slowly becomes more vibrant even with the financial worry that remains the same. My brain and heart are too weak to handle this hardcore confusion. 

So let just things be...  Whatever will be, will be. Everything is useless under the sun. 

Que Sera Sera 

Gypsum fibrosum and calcitum are the basics to build building and here I am that so hooked up with this cooling drink that I found in minimarket to cure my heatiness. I was surprised when I knew about these two, thanks to my toxic curiosity, and I am still breathing without any heatiness. Same effect like when Sodium met Chloride, right? Oh and, my favorite flavor for this 3Leg drink is Lime. It tastes nothing sweet at all, and without any marketing intent, I here witness the effect on my body which is as what written on the can: help to ease the heatiness, sore throat and friends. Because here on the land of the black sun with its high humidity, over heat here and there, heatiness is something that can happen frequently especially for a person who likes spicy hot stuffs and sour one. I learn that this Gypsum fibrosum mainly deals with my Qi energy, I don't really understand how, but that's what it said in the website. And yes, my body feels somehow more balanced and the body temperature also feels cooler and that happened not after I read the website, it happened before, I read the website because of my toxic dangerous but wonderful curiosity to learn about this new drink that I barely and currently and frequently drink it. And I love it. 

Hahahahahaha from talking about destiny, and then my self doubt, and moves to zodiac and my birth chart  and after that closed with my new found favorite drink and my research about it. 

It is just absurd! 

What a day I just had, right?