Untitled Absurdity

Friday, July 5th, 2019

The Moon Lady asked me to correct my writing about her height because her height is not 159 cm but 156 cm, she is even more tiny than the last I remember, she has done some great reverse aging and growth, I guess, just how powerful her supreme anti aging power! 

I am so dreadful and weary today. My new flat shoes are quite painful. It is kinda hard for me to find shoes that big enough for my feet, I want to cry! 

I love cute shoes, or floral pattern shoes, or ballerina flat shoes and I love high heels, no one could predict it people see me with my usual working attire (I leave to your imagination, my dear readers)

I am so thirsty for lime water and yes, I love sour like food and drinks so much like raw manggoes, lime, lemon, sour pineapple, green apple, blood orange, 7-up, uhm... Lemon pudding, lemon cheesecake. 

I love sweet and sour dessert and fruit a lot. 

And I am happy that my menstruation this month is not that hellish like usual, thank God. And somehow both my mom and I are having our menstruation at the same time, we laugh when I told her I am having my period and she said "me too". I am happy that lately when I grow older, my communication with my mom is getting better. I had worried that I could never build the bridge to my mom and her heart, but slowly, things start to fall into their places. Takes almost 2 decades for me to be this close with my mom. 

I have big parent's issue here? Because I grew up away from home. I was grown up with my grandparents, maybe that is the reason I didn't know my parents well. Thankfully, when I grow older, they realised the fact that they also don't know their daughter that much and it caused friction in our family because of how rebellious I can be against them. Now, we are trying our best to listen to each other, it is hard but doesn't mean it is impossible, it just takes more time. 

I wonder how I would be when I will be a mother, will I be loved back by my children or not? Will they be proud and happy to have me as their mother? 

I cannot wait to meet my future children soon, I guess even more than my eagerness to meet my future husband. Hahahahahahaha I just lose my faith that I will ever meet a man that can love me and make me choose to love him back, and marry me and have kids together with me.

Awwww that sounds so sappy and cringy. I am quite a traditional woman, I still prefer the nuclear family core value, once again even though I am quite vocal about equality, I still value the traditional value that men needs to be more dominant than women in family, both for their ego and because men are created to be in that way by God, because the one that created first was a man and not a woman. 

What I want is a man that won't abuse his authoritative nature from God to hurt or abuse or rule or women as something, like an object, instead of a subject as human beings. A man that worthy enough but humble enough to gain my respect and loyalty and devotion and not just for fun, God perhaps forget to put some fun in me when He created me, He poured too much seriousness and done, maybe because heaven is running out of fun potions when He created me, I wonder how created my male counterpart, what is in His mind? Will I get a very jolly person as the opposite of me? Hmmmm... I mean jolly doesn't mean flirtatious, because most of jolly men don't realise that they are natural players by being funny and easily ask out women, because it will be very bad for my heart, I cannot stand it. I am a person who is easy to feel jealous, and my jealousy is ugly. I cannot stand people who don't know their borderline, their limit and who cannot make a difference between the treatment for friends and for the significant exclusive one, that's a red flag for me. 

I don't want to cause more harm to myself by increasing my self insecurities. So, yah, better not rather than be sorry. 

Hmmmm.... No wonder, I am still single AF, I am too cautious and absurd with how high I rise my security level to guard my heart. Because saving my own heart is one hell of a task, so now I am in preventive mode, I am doing self healing now. And I will keep do that, even though the progress is not always that positive, but well I guess my strong point is perseverance or maybe tenacity or resilient? Whatever, this time it should be better. This time, I must be different and unbothered. Ignorance is bliss.