book about my insanity

coming out

This will be a serious update. Feel free to skip if you really don't want to read it.

For almost six months now, I've been asking myself a very important question: who am I?

As of the time I'm writing this, it's July 4th, 2019. I'm turning 16 in 26 days, and I'm so excited to reach this milestone. I'm ready to drive, ready to go back to my boarding school and see my friends.

Yet six months ago in late January, I went to an event that my school was hosting. They were playing a movie, and me and one of my friends went to go watch it.

The movie was Love, Simon.

I thought nothing of it since I already supported LGBT+. I was ready to watch a cheesy romance movie that just so happened to be gay. Little did I know that the movie would cause a shift in me. By the time the movie was over, I was in tears, because it really just opened my eyes. Being gay is no different than being straight. It's just falling in love.

For the first part of my life, I was like every other Christian: homosexuality was a sin. "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." We took a trip to Massachusetts when I was 11 where I was exposed to same-sex couples. Seeing those couples for the first time on the streets of Boston, I didn't know what to feel.

Maybe that was the start, it didn't feel any different. They were couples that were happy together just like a man and a woman could be.

But I was in a very religious family. My mom and stepdad continued to complain about it, talking about how "God will teach them" and "bless their hearts; they don't know any better." I listened to these words and took them in like any other child would.

I wasn't exactly homophobic, but I wasn't supportive either. A friend of mine came out as gay, and my first thought was, "Oh no." It wasn't in a manner of my friend being "sinful," I just knew it would cause trouble.

At my new school, I was really exposed to people of different types. I was exposed to people that were LGBT, and people of different cultures. At this point, I was supportive, because I realized being gay is just like being straight but with a different gender involved.

I met my two best friends, and we instantly clicked. One friend was gay, and the other was bisexual. I didn't care. I knew these two were the two people I was waiting for. I never knew what it was like to have a best friend, let alone two. Another close friend of mine later came out as gay, that same friend that I went to watch Love, Simon with.

The night we watched that movie, I returned to my dorm and immediately took to Google. Is homosexuality a sin? I read so many articles, and I started to come to a realization.

It isn't homosexuality that is a sin, it's lust in general.

It's a common misconception in Christianity. Homosexuality was never written in the Bible. The word arose in the early 20th century. It was never written as a sin.

The Bible, while never justifying homosexuality, never condemns it either.

Christians, please understand where I'm coming from. I am a Christian. I believe all of my worries and concerns are in His hands. Perhaps that's the reason I'm writing this. I've placed this in his hands, worrying and crying over my thoughts for so long and I've finally received an answer.

Homosexuality is not a sin.

For six months, I have been consumed by these thoughts of my identity and who I am.

Now I realize, this whole time I have been bi-curious.

But now I want to come out.

I'm bisexual.

This is the first time I've admitted it to myself.

I'm scared to come out in real life, because my place in the friend group is "the hetero among the gays." I'm worried everyone will think it's a stunt to gain attention. I don't know what people will think.

That's why I'm writing it here.

Today is the day I'm going to finally admit who I am.

I'm not sure what made me come to this realization. Maybe it's my obsession with K-pop girl groups, maybe it's finding myself saying "wow they're gorgeous" about strangers I see, whether male or female. I don't know. But I do know how I feel.

It's July 4th, Independence Day here in America. The Land of the Free. Where anyone can be whatever they want.

I just want to be me.

But the thing that breaks my heart is that even if I fell in love with someone of my gender, it could never happen because of how religious my entire family is. It's terrifying.

But yes, I'm bisexual.

I don't know if I'll publish this. I'll have to find the courage. The moment I share this with the world, there's no turning back. I'm fucking terrified.

I understand if you don't support LGBT+. That's entirely your choice.

I'm not asking for you to support, I'm just asking for you to understand.

If you read this, thank you. Seriously, thank you.

I'm ready to begin the rest of my life.

~•~•~•~•~•~

today is august 21, 2019.

i have been in school for a week and a half, and have finally been able to accept who i am.

in the month and a half that passed between when i first wrote this and now, i came out to my four best friends and a couple of other good friends of mine. i've received nothing but support, and it makes me incredibly happy!

i'm super glad to be back at school where everyone is so sweet and understanding. but i'm not so ready to tackle junior year sskskskssksk

anyways, i've officially gathered the courage to post this. if you read it, thank you, and i love you ❤️

au revoir!