book about my insanity

i sad

so recently i've been in a bit of a battle with my weight

when i was kindergarten, i had surgery for something called itp in order to remove my spleen, and as a result i was put on high doses of steroids. bc of the steroids, i gained a massive amount of weight in a short amount of time

and since then, it's always been a struggle for me to control my weight, and even more to get it off.

but recently, i started adjusting my diet and exercising 4-5 times a week.

for the past almost two months, i've been keeping this routine up and managed to lose a good amount of weight.

but yesterday was a rough day

i was just 1.4 lbs away from hitting 30 lbs lost, but i went to weigh myself and found that i had gained weight instead of losing it

it really upset me. i've had body dysmorphia since 7th grade, and i've gone through phases where i love my body and suddenly hate my body.

the body dysmorphia really hit hard last night, and i suddenly went from feeling as if i was seeing results to feeling as if my brain was fooling itself and there were actually no results.

and i know just because i gained a few pounds doesn't mean it's over for me, but it's just discouraging bc this is really fucking hard

i always wish i had been born in a different body. i was i could be naturally slim and have a body that i didn't feel ashamed in. i wish i could look at clothes and feel comfortable just trying them on and not being scared to even take it to a dressing room.

i want to get to that point, and i know it's gonna take time and effort, but this whole process of losing weight is not fun. at all.

i'm gonna keep going. i don't intend to give up just yet.

bc i keep trying to tell myself that maybe it's just muscle

bc i keep trying to tell myself even though i gained 4 pounds, i still lost almost 30

it's just not easy.

i just want to get to a point where i can be happy in my own skin.