conflict || jjk x Bts

chapter 4

Jungkook pov :

The horrible thoughts got the best of me, as my mind clouded with only self-hatred towards myself, and I ended up hurriedly rushing to open the small hidden drawer that was located to my left, where I hid my precious razors in a basic old box.

Most of my razors are dull because I used them plenty of times before, but I did save a few that were still sharp.
I inhaled sharply the moment my hand made contact with one of the razors, my palms felt sweaty and my fingers danced to the hectic, uneven sound of my heartbeat, my frail and tired figure kept shaking as well but I decided to blame it all on the fact that it might be the side effects of relapsing, I wanted to convince myself no matter what that it wasn't fear taking its toll on me.

I ended up taking a moment to stabilize my breathing and proceeded to gaze at the small blade as if I was holding a completely foreign item.

I was fully aware of the drawbacks of self-harm and to be honest, the mere thought of having to limit myself to only wearing long-sleeved shirts gave me a headache.

I felt like I was being controlled like a mere puppet in the taunting hands of my pent up emotions, I was desperate to feel something and I guess the daunting, manipulative voices were the final stroke that pushed me to solely focus on getting rid of the suffocating negative aura surrounding me because although it's a horrible habit it's the only thing I can resort to, to relieve myself from the pain.

No one has any idea what I'm going through, no one, I've been feeling depressed for a long period and the toxic life that I'm obliged to maintain as a worldwide famous idol only causes me more damage, and unfortunately none of the hyungs or anyone else in a matter of fact have any clue.

I always end up spilling my heart's contents in my diary, hence it's the main reason why I'm overly cautious all the time whenever anyone's around or if there's a mere opportunity for one of the hyungs to find it.
I don't want any of them to pity me, nor pay any unwanted attention to me, because I'm sure if they do, they'll instantly recommend me a therapist and I don't want that.

Two months now, I haven't self-harmed since then, but the itchiness of my wrists became even more unbearable as time passed by, that's why I had no choice but to resort to hurting myself on account of numbing my overwhelming emotions. The voices inside my head just urged me to do it, and I decided to follow everything they demanded of me.

It's not like I can be blamed, I had no other choice but to give in to the manipulative incoherent ramblings that haunt me almost every day because there's no one by my side to protect me nor stop me from fucking up.

I stared longingly at my face in the mirror, contemplating the miserable state I was in; puffy bloodshot and swollen red eyes adorned with traces of dry slick tears that stuck like glue to my face.

More tears kept spilling out of them but I didn't want to feel even more pathetic and ended up hastily wiping them off
I decided to look at my wrist instead and quietly muttered to myself " here I go ", and I pressed the razor blade close to my wrist, flinching at the sight of my old scars.

I prepared myself to make the first cut and finally gained the courage to drag the blade along my smooth skin hissing quietly as I enjoyed watching the way my blood trickled down my wrist, I was brought back to reality once my mind screamed at me; "continue you worthless piece of shit no one cares just keep going ".

I nodded to myself as I haphazardly moved the blade to create several more cuts making sure not to leave anything untouched, my mind was going crazy as I watched, one cut, two cuts three cuts, four cuts, cry for a while then cut some more.

I made sure not to press the blade too deep though because I had no intention of committing suicide at that moment, I can't help but fear death after all.
I dragged the blade once again on the only intact skin left on my wrist and watched it flood with blood, I then proceeded to stop and dumbfoundedly look at the mess of blood that I made on the floor.

The sides and the inside of the sink were coated with red, so I hurriedly washed my arms in hopes of soothing the overwhelming amount of pain that I ignored earlier because of how engrossed I was in inflicting pain on myself.

I just kept tending to my arm and used the band-aid kit to securely bandage my arms and make sure no blood would seep out of the wounds, then I proceeded to clean the bathroom, making sure to leave no traces of what I did.

I walked out of the bathroom, sighing loudly as I went to my closet to get a long-sleeved black shirt to wear.
Then unexpectedly my stomach grumbled which led me to conclude that I fucked up real bad because today I just had breakfast which only consisted of an apple, and because of practice all of us didn't have the time to eat lunch.

later on, though all the members bought some snacks to relieve some of the hunger except me, and even though I was hungry I still decided to skip lunch in hopes of enjoying jin's promised special dinner.

but to my luck, I had to fight with him today out of all the days, and all the members are all mad at me and I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't want me eating dinner with them.
Hence, to punish me I'm sure they won't even leave me my portion so I can reheat it afterward.
"huh, I'm doomed," I thought, adding to that no one knows I didn't eat anything since the morning because I went home first after practice with the manager. After all, he asked for my help, I couldn't refuse and object just because I was hungry, so now I only had to lay down on my bed and think of something to do.

Suga pov :
We were all so mad because of jungkook so we all gathered in the living room to talk about his behavior and that's when jin came up with the idea of depriving him of dinner

Everyone went along with it under the circumstances of what he did earlier today, none of us wanted to talk to him which led us to assume that he had had already eaten when he came back home first. That assumption sure helped us not worry about him the slightest bit.

So we just went with that and prepared the table for dinner while we talked about tomorrow's packed schedule.

Jungkook POV:

I was still laying on my bed hoping silently that they would at least think of my well being and bring me something to eat if they didn't want to see me but that didn't happen and I became more certain that it wouldn't happen when I heard their loud laughter erupt from the kitchen to echo through my walls.

I let a tear drop thinking that even if they were only six, my existence wouldn't change anything in their lives, and after pondering for some time looking for a way to ease my hunger, I came up with one holy effective idea.

And just like that I wore my favorite sweats and rushed to the gym that is located the farthest from all the rooms in our house, knowing damn well that it would just make me feel weaker and undoubtedly lead me to pass out but I couldn't care less, not now anyway.
After all, I can't resort to anything more effective against the negative thoughts that consume my whole being. working out is the best way to get distracted after all.

Opening the door to the gym door had me feeling slightly queasy Because of the sudden adrenaline rush that I felt, which had me smiling weakly to myself for the first time that day.

A/n: I'm so thankful for all of my readers honestly and this chapter has 1433 words, I hope u support my story and don't be shy to deliver ur thoughts through the comments .❤