My dumb self

intro

hey, its me again. i forgot to introduce myself to new people who want to know more about me.

i'm 15 years old but i think i have the mind of a 20 year old. i don't feel the need to think i'm special in any way. but last time i checked normal people aren't supposed to think how/what i do. i feel like everyone i meet understands me, so i'm probably just like everyone else. or they're just pretending to understand and not let me feel like i'm different. feeling different is a thing i've felt several times in my life, it's not the best feeling ever.

it makes u feel like theres no one u can talk to without getting judging looks, or have an outlet for your sadness or anger. or any other bad emotion that has to be let out. when i don't have an outlet for those feelings, i can't write them down on a piece of paper or something. my parents would find it and read it like last time. it's dumb to express ur feelings on a private snapchat story bc literally nobody wants to hear about ur problems when they have their own to worry about that are more important. that's what it's come to for me when it comes to letting my feelings out. every one of the trusted people that see it reassure me its going to be ok. i take those words to heart, but it doesn't change my outlook on life.

im religious, so i believe there's a god, there's life after death, and some other controversial stuff i don't want to get into. i'm not the stereotypical HARD CHRISTIAN THAT HATES GAY PEOPLE AND THINK PEOPLE WHO HAVE ABORTIONS GO TO HELL. haha sorry. im accepting of everyone, including their religion, race, sexuality, identity, and just everything. everyone believes in different things, have different opinions, and i am perfectly ok with that:)

i was gonna say my outlook on life but i just had to clear that up first. ok.. my outlook on life. i remember times when i really loved it. most of the time i've been here it's been emotionally draining in various ways. i'll get to that in another entry. it's been so hard to live up to now. for a future warning: there's going to be pain and sadness behind every word i type when i get to that topic.

i'm putting this on the internet bc i don't feel like keeping my feelings to myself anymore. all of it is true, and it's going to have some content in it that not all people want to hear about. this book is going to have my experiences, my happy/sad times, and i'm not gonna lie, some illegal stuff.

when i was a young girl, i would always be like,
"i'm never gonna do drugs!"
"i'm never gonna smoke!"
"i'm never gonna have sex!"
"i'm never gonna drink!"
"i'm never gonna cuss!"

fuck that shit.

i've done 4/5 of those things, and i'm genuinely disappointed that i can call that an accomplishment for my age. but it was fun doing it, so i have mixed emotions about it. i mean my feelings about doing that stuff, do whatever you want that will make you happy in the end. an example, i smoked weed. i was happy! just know the difference between feeling joy and fake joy.

joy:  a very good feeling

fake joy: addiction, you try something new and like it too much.

having to rely on an addiction can become an expensive habit, and a very, VERY, hard one to break. while you are enjoying your habit, it has those downsides and can make you depressed in the future. just like drinking, you get hella drunk and ur all like woah bruh this is so cool hahahahahahaha, and then the next day ur hungover and ur like "fuck that i'm never doing that again"  and then u keep doing it and it becomes a cycle.

sorry

i got carried away again im supposed to be introducing myself not giving lectures.

another thing about me. i change topics very quickly in my head and i can talk forever if i wanted to. i used to never do that and idk what caused it but its an annoying thing i cant control.

i'm an only child. i've suffered thru the pain of a hostile household by myself, 15 years. maybe thats why i can do everything by myself. idk lol