My dumb self

paths pt. 2

(trigger warning: sexual assault, self harm)

i will love you more if you take a picture of this. please sierra. you're not helping me at all.

tf bitch?

his words and obvious sadness toward me refusing started affecting me more and more. i finally said ok fine. i sent him a pic. he reacted very happily. and by very happily, i mean disappointed. he seemed kind of disgusted. he carelessly took my confidence and shattered it on the ground after asking multiple times to see what i showed him.

when he sent pics it was gross bc at the time i turned 14 and didn't really want to see that. but i still was nice and complimented him many times. his confidence grew while mine plummeted.

but its ok. its ok. im probably just sensitive. its ok.

NO IT WASN'T OK.

on Sundays my dad went golfing sometimes and my mom worked. if i didnt go to church i would be home alone. i invited him to come to my house in the morning bc my dad comes back at like noon.

that morning my mom woke me up to get ready for church, i lied and said i felt sick. she believed me and said to get some rest. i gave him my address and he skateboarded to my house. i have a big dog, he was jumping all over him and scratching him up. pepper brought me a blueberry slushy. it was melted by the time he got to my house. we sat on the couch while i drank up the sugary liquid. we started talking, he put his arm around me. he told me to look at him, and he said i was beautiful. i said thank you, but in my head i didnt accept his compliment bc i knew he was lying. we started kissing, then making out. he said "we should step it up and take our shirts off" i declined. he tried to like french kiss me but failed at it. we switched positions and stuff. it was really weird.

he asked me to grab his ass and i didnt LOL.

this was getting boring to me. its been like 20 mins.
pepper stopped for a second and started talking again. i asked him, "what do you want to do? watch a movie?" he said "no." i asked him, "then why did you want to come here?" he flat out said, "sex" i was flabbergasted. tf? i replied, "is that the only reason u wanted to come?" "yes, i want to have sex." and thought he was funny. it wasnt funny. he showed me how he brought a condom in his phone case. he really showed me how worthless i was, thinking i would say yes to that after what he's put me through.
he then asked me something. he said "lay down" and i reluctantly did, i was very nervous. he started to lift up my shirt and i said stop! he said,

(pepper: please sierra.

why? what r u going to do?

pepper: just trust me.

no!

pepper: babe, please i promise you'll like it.

what are you going to do?

pepper: you'll see, trust me sierra.)

this lasted for several minutes of me saying no and him insisting. i finally gave up. i didn't want him to be mad at me. i wanted him to be happy. i said,

fine.

he quickly took off my bra and put his hands and lips in places i didn't want them to be.

i lied there, motionless. wishing it wasn't happening. i had no feelings. he took complete control of me. manipulated me do something i didn't want to do.

sexual assault.

after he was done, he said "see? it wasn't that bad." i nodded. my feelings have completely changed from what they were before. i wanted him to leave.

i said get the fuck out.

i wish i actually said that.
i was nice. i told him my dad gets home early sometimes so he best be leaving soon just incase. he seemed disappointed again. well what does he expect? im not an easy girl. he can get the fuck out and never come back if he really thinks thats how i roll. i actually loved him a lot. but i was not going to give up my virginity to him after 2 fucking weeks. we made out one last time and said bye. i watched him leave on his skateboard and i immediately texted my best friend, paiton. i told her everything that happened except for the part where he made me do that thing. i looked back at the couch we were just sitting on and i was like damn. i invited him into my house, snuck him inside, at a time when my parents weren't home, and then he starts telling me what to do. he brought a condom just in case?? who the fuck does he think i am?

im probably not gonna have sex until marriage bc i really would not want to be pregnant at such a young age. my life would be over, he would have left me anyways if i got pregnant. i just know it.

when it became our first month, it was going more and more down hill. when i sent him the picture he wanted, he didn't screenshot it. he doesn't have any pictures of my body other than the ones with clothes on. bc after he wanted more, i didnt know if i could trust him with owning those pictures. people's shit gets leaked all the time. i would be fucking dead if mine got leaked. im so glad i didnt do any more than what i chose. i chose to give him what he wanted once. just once i gave him that part of myself that no one else had ever seen, except him. he pressured me so much into doing things. it made him depressed that he never got what he wanted, and made me depressed bc i knew it made him sad. i felt like absolute shit when i knew i was the reason he was sad. its my fucking choice to send that stuff to him. but i blamed it all on me bc i was insecure. i was insecure and i never wanted to send pictures like that to him. it made me wonder if i was ugly. he responded in a way i didn't expect. he said "oh nice ###s" lol i love how i can say "fuck" in this but i wouldn't say the body part he was talking about. its such an ugly word. no real boyfriend would say something that low.

it made me wonder why he wanted to be with me if i wasn't like his other hoes. not that he had hoes, but i felt like thats what i was so him, and not his girlfriend.

during the first week of the school year i met a lot of people. they were all nice and funny, sitting next to me and not making me feel alone. there seemed to be so many people there for me. pepper wasn't who i thought he was. he was a completely different person than when i met him. he put on this mask, his caring loving, funny, sweet mask. what he does is attract girls that get no love. then he lures them in and tries his best to give the illusion of him truly loving them so he could get what he wants. girls who haven't been loved don't know how they're supposed to be treated during a relationship. i thought being treated the way i was, was ok.

i went to sleep crying. instead of smiling at school, i wore a fake one. i went in baths for hours at a time. and showers too. my parents would check on me and ask me if i was ok when i was in there, and i said yeah every time. im just shaving my legs thats why its taking so long. my dad would say "ok just checking if ur alive" i wish i wasn't.

i couldn't take it anymore. the way he made me feel. i wanted to die. i had no outlet for my pain. no coping mechanism.

i started burning myself. i still have scars. there was nothing else i could do.. if you've ever been in the situation where you had to self harm, it's a complicated feeling of why. why do i need to do it? can't i just use another way of coping? i don't know. it was feeling. i felt something after being emotionally numb. now that i felt physical pain, i remembered what feeling was like.

i could never tell my parents about how depressed he made me. my dad would kill him. i knew the relationship was toxic from the start but i never payed attention to it. he cheated on his girlfriend with me. i stole him from her. what if, after all i went thru he does the same to me? what would i do? i often thought about suicide. i was his puppet. to him, it didn't matter whether he gave me love or not, it only mattered if he got what he wanted. he used me. or attempted to at least.

i met a boy, jose.