My dumb self

paths pt. 3

we met in science class at the beginning of the year. i was kind of by myself in that class. he always talked to me first. he made jokes and we would laugh. we became friends after the third class we had together.

he has black, straight hair. deep brown eyes. taller than me. darkish skin. has the cutest laugh. plays guitar. i love when he talks Spanish.

once he heard i was dating pepper, he grew kind of sad. i knew he liked me the moment he saw me. we became best friends.

during science we would sit together and i would be happy. the longer my relationship with pepper proceeded, the more my happiness would fade. jose asked me what was wrong. i denied that the pain was coming from my boyfriend, i thought i was just depressed for some reason. jose and me were alike. we were both depressed in our own ways. i'm going to give him respect and not share his reasons why. we both helped each other thru our times. we were so alike..

when me and pepper were together during school, which was all the time, he would look sad. i said, you seem happier with your friends, you don't have to always hang out with me. he said, i'm happier when i'm with you, i feel love when i'm with you. paiton would be with me during school and robert always wanted her gone. he never liked when she was with me. he wanted me all to himself, not even my friends could be around me. he especially started to get jealous of jose. giving him stank looks whenever he could. i didn't like it at all.

at homecoming, we wore matching colors. black. he saw jose in the distance having fun and said, "sierra look, it's your boyfriend." i was surprised he thought i liked jose that way. i reassured him that we're just friends. he didn't believe me, and seemed mad the rest of the time. a slow song came on, paiton was standing with me and pepper wanted to dance. he told paiton to leave so we could have alone time, and he said it very harshly. she said why? he gave me an angry glare and told me to tell my bestfriend to go somewhere else. i really didn't want to. he made me. i tried as nicely as i could to ask if she could talk to maddox, her friend for a little bit while me and robert danced.

we slow danced. he gave me the smile of a devil. he looked into my eyes and said "i love you." i said it back.

a week later, it was Friday. tomorrow started a 3 day weekend from school. pepper and i were on a video call. he was masturbating. he said i should take off my shirt. i said no. he kept asking me for things. i typed dirty texts so he would shut up and stop asking me to take my clothes off. he then had the audacity to say,

"sierra, you're not helping me at all"

thats it.

i was done being his object. i hung up the call after i read that. he immediately started spamming my phone saying "sierra im really sorry please come back please i didnt mean that" after some time i said "if i wasn't helping at all why do you want me to come back?" and it escalated more and more. he said how he wanted to spend his life with me and how he loved me so much. i told him how i never make him happy bc all he wants is nudes that i never send. i didnt want to feel like my only purpose was to be used when he was horny. he can have many other girls while we dated, i wouldn't care. as long as he didn't make me feel this way. he refused and told me i'm the love of his life. and that he's never going to leave me. i said how he's better off spending his life with another girl. i said it harshly. he took that to heart. he didn't answer me for some time. then I was the one spamming his phone. i was saying i was sorry and to please answer. i didn't mean what i said.

toxic love is a different feeling. it's when you feel like you have to be with that person. they're the only one you've ever felt "real" love from. you don't want to be with them, but there's a magnetic feeling toward them. you keep crawling back after getting hurt more times than you can count. you feel like you would be nothing without them. all that fake shit feels real to girls who haven't felt love before.
like me.