My dumb self

love

since u know a little bit about me, im gonna start typing bigger paragraphs and sharing parts of my life in chapters in this book. its kind of like an autobiography, but not a serious one. like im not that much of an important person to call it an autobiography, bc usually people like celebrities or people higher on the social chain are considered relevant. no one wants to read a book by a random girl called "my dumb self." people got other things to do than focus on someone who has no idea what she's even writing about.

i mean, i don't need to consider myself relevant in order to write my feelings and express them in words, bc anyone is able to do that. but no one would share all this with the world, about all their deepest darkest thoughts. their status on how broken their mind or heart is. the things that keep them up at night, or the things that make them feel worthless.

everyone's mind is filled with the illusion of being truly happy with things that make you empty in reality. like social media. nobody likes it, to see how many "likes" they get on a picture of them at the beach. they thought they looked cute, so they thought the more likes, the more pretty they actually are. if they don't get a certain amount of likes, they'll feel self conscious and think to themselves, "am i actually what i think i am?" they'll probably delete the picture later bc it doesn't fit their "theme." or it didn't reach 100 likes and comments in under an hour. enough is never enough when it comes to yourself. the more likes the better! the more heart eye emojis the better! the more filters and make up the better!

its all a fucking joke. seriously. not one person on instagram is happy all the time. everyone is their own person. when u look at people generally, we all want the same 3 things. we only want love, happiness, and attention. a good life. just to make it count. there are the people who don't desire sexual love, just wholesome love, and the people who only want sexual love, but over all; its love.

there is the type of love that is nonexistent or forever. there is no in-between when it has to do with that. you could "love" someone for the time being, but if ya'll end up parting ways and never crossing paths again, it wasn't real. you would feel a need for them to be in your life, to hear their laugh or feel their hugs again. you would forgive them as many times as it takes until your heart is fully broken. your heart can withstand so much. you could be so broken to the point of you not caring about yourself anymore. but still being able to have a full heart for someone else. you could give someone your entire heart and trust them with your entire being, but i'm warning you. there are people in this world that will do anything to tear you down, make you feel your lowest, and completely wreck you.

guys. you need to stick up for yourself, know that you deserve THE FUCKING WORLD. YOU DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING LESS THAN THE FUCKING WORLD. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS, A LOVING PARTNER (IF YOU WANT ONE), YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU THINK. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WILL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE HARD TO LOVE, BC OF UR PERSONALITY, UR LOOKS, OR UR ATTITUDE AND DESIRES.

let me tell you something.

everyone deserves love.

it's not a good thing to wish death to someone, sadness, or anything negative. everyone has reasons why they act the way they do. every person on this earth has been thru times that has DESTROYED THEM. yeah, there's people who will be mean to you, talk shit about you, or hate you. there's reasons, and always 2 sides to a story. you need to be understanding as to why this person is thinking these things. are you doing something wrong? or are they just completely wrong and you have nothing to do with how they feel? be real. there are ways to fix situations quicker, and ways to prolong them. figure out what you are doing wrong, and act on it. turn your anger into understanding.

i could go on forever about that.

for a dumb person i have a lot of life wisdom. i read somewhere that depression make people mature faster. idk if its true or not but looking back at everyone my age, i think im real fucking mature (for some parts.) like i'm still a kid, i can have fun and do stupid stuff that wouldn't be considered mature bc thats how kids are. but when it comes to my thinking process about everything, about life, people, emotions.. im very intelligent in that field. i never learned it in school or online. i just see patterns in people and associate them with feelings and actions. maybe i learned it from my childhood, or movies. my childhood is a completely different ballpark from what you would expect. i'll get into that later. this chapter is about love, not hate. but movies,

i've always had movies. i love them so much, they are where the roots of my childhood basically started. i would try to block out the fights and loud words. i would watch movies about princesses all day. wishing i could be one when im older. go to balls every week with my knight in shining armor. have magic fairies who would come and fix my problems. i was a spoiled child. i had a lot of things to comfort me from everything else. its just that none of it completely helped.